He said no before I could even propose marriage!?

Question

As it's a leap year women are officially allowed to ask their boyfriends to marry them.

My partner of 8 years (whom I have 2 kids to, and am pregnant to again), is yet to pop the question.

Yesterday he intercepted a text I wrote to a friend about my engagement ring. He picked an argument with me about money. Then he said he'd found the text and 'just as a warning, don't do it'.

So, I won't be picking up my engagement ring tomorrow... and I won't be asking him.

Should I just forget about all of this? Am I being immature?

Answer 1

Yes to both.

He's obviously totally comfortable in the situation as things are - and you must too, otherwise you wouldn't keep having babies with him. You've made your choices, these are the consequences, so just concentrate on being a good mom.

(and by the way, when you do the asking, you don't get an engagement ring - one of the consequences of the situation...)

Answer 2

I don't think you are being immature or even unreasonable.

There are three options for his behavior:

He wants to be the one to propose, but he likely would have done that two-three kids ago.

He doesn't want the added commitment when he has the illusion (not to be cruel).

He doesn't feel you two are financially stable enough to marry, which is ridiculous if you two can raise a family.

The only way to find out for sure is to have a serious talk with him, and tell him how you feel. Why is he "intercepting" our texts anyway?

Answer 3

he sounds as if he loves and cares for you all.Maybe hes like many modern men and feels that outdated ring presentations and ceremonies are a total waste of money that could be spent in better ways.Suggest a family holiday instead.

Answer 4

good advice! pregnant with two kids " i would leave" wtf? do people a favour dont give advice.

if he was afraid of commitment he would'nt have one kid with you let alone three, maybe he thinks the new baby is going to cost money and all you're thinking about is marriage, the baby is more important , if you want to get married save up.

dont you think each one is expensive? and you're trying to do both.

Answer 5

Well, maybe you should propose to him, but don't get the ring yet. Maybe he doesn't want you to because he doesn't think you guys can afford a ring right now. Maybe he wants to get married but money is an issue.

Answer 6

Why doesn't he want to get married? Some people have reasons. I know a woman who's mother got divorced three times. For some reason this woman really sees no point in getting married at all.

I'd say the only immaturity is that you feel a leap year makes a difference in when you can propose. Either he's ok with you proposing instead or he isn't, a leap year won't change that.

Answer 7

It sounds as though you want to get married to your boyfriend of 8 years because you have kids together. If he was going to marry you he would have done it after the 1st child.  You are now pregnant with his third child and he sees no reason to marry you, as the situation is working out fine for both you you it seems.  You are happy enough with him to keep having children and he is happy because he has the family without the commitment.  Proposing marriage is a gamble no matter if its the man or the woman doing it, there is always a chance for a 'No' to come out.  I think you should forget all about the proposal, if he wants to get married he will propose. If being married means that much to you, I would be prepared to leave as it doesn't seem like its going to happen anytime soon.

Even if you were to propose you ever pick out your ring.  You can buy him one, but you do not buy your own.

Answer 8

Why would you be picking out/buying an engagement ring and talking to your friend about this and not have discussed this with the most important person?  Did you discuss having children?

This is important, so don't let the it drop, but approach it in a mature manner.  Calmly tell him that this is not an 'ultimatium' but let him know that before the next child is born, you either want to be legally married or see a lawyer to prepare all the documentation necessary to protect your children.  It's something any good mother would do.

Answer 9

Could it be the case that he is actually planning to ask you and by you taking the initiative to ask him you could infact be ruining his surprise. Maybe he is traditional and feels that it is his role to do the asking.

It sounds like you need to sit down with him and discuss how you are feeling, perhaps he didn't realise how important marriage is to you.

After 8 years you should be able to talk about anything especially something so important.

Good luck

Answer 10

Best thing for you to do, is to talk to him. Find out why he hasn't proposed, find out how he feels about marriage, and how he feels about getting married to you. The best start to a good marriage, even if you're not engaged yet, is open communication. You should be able to talk to the one you love about how you are feeling, and what you are thinking. Good Luck!!

Answer 11

I dont think you are being immature at all, good grief you have given him 2 kids so far and another on the way, its about time you made it legal.

In a situation like yours I dont know what the best thing to do is because I would never live with my fiance or have any kids unless I was married so therefore this problem would not arise in those circumstances.

Sorry but I am on your side :)

Answer 12

You are not being immature. Sounds like he has a fear of commitment, after all, marriage is seen as the end of "freedom" for men, even though you have children together.

He is the one being selfish.

(I think it is disgraceful the way people are making comments on people not being married and having children, seriously, marriage is a government thing anyway!)

Answer 13

I don't think you should have to ask him! You mothered his children, if this is something that means something to you, he should take that into consideration and show a little respect about it at least. His reaction seems frigid... you should sit him down and explain what it means to you and try to get on the same page with the whole thing. FInd out why he seems so unwilling. If you can't do that then you should consider why you want to marry this man to begin with. Communication is key.

Answer 14

actually your suppose to propose on the 29th feb...thats the official leap year day...i know cos i proposed and my fiance said yes...we had only been together 7 months at the time but when you know you know.  we are getting married 29th nov this year...if a guy doesnt want to do something he wont and it sounds like yours really doesnt want to commit himself to you.  sorry.

p.s...even if the woman proposes that doesnt mean you buy your own ring!  the day after i proposed my fiance took me ring shopping and when i found the perfect ring bought it me...yeah you can be modern with proposing but leave the ring bit to tradition and get the guy to buy it!

Answer 15

You've been together eight years, what's immature about wanting to be married?

How did you wind up with two and a half kids without being married? It's pretty obvious he has no intention of being married at this time, and why should he? He gets everything from you without having to make a commitment!

Take the money you would've spent on a ring, and put it in an account in your name only. Start putting aside a bit from every paycheck. You may need it some day.

Answer 16

No you are hardly being immature in hoping that the father of your soon-to-be-three children will marry you!  You may have been immature to become involved with him in the first place or to let him take such advantage of you for eight years, but in wanting him to take the responsiblilty of providing your and your children with a stable legal status, you are only being reasonable.  If he gets angry over the very idea, and if he's so controlling that he spies on your email, maybe it's time to ask yourself the old Ann Landers question:  Am I [are we] better off with him or without him?"

Answer 17

do it anyways. tell him he needs to step up and make an honest woman out of you (sorry, had to go old school here). it's been 8 years, long enough

Answer 18

For some reason he doesn't want to make your relationship legal, some guys are like that.

Answer 19

You aren't being immature. What's his problem with being legally committed though you already have 2 children and one on the way and you've been together 8 years. Honestly he sounds like he's got issues with commitment. Talk to him about it don't just let it go. Getting married is the best way to legally protect your children (& him or you) if something were to happen to you (or him), God forbid.

Good Luck

Answer 20

Good lord he is being a jerk.  He should have asked you to marry him alongtime ago.  Three kids Wow!  What's his problem...........If he really loves you and wants to be with you, where's the commitment?   Let him see this!  Wake up man!

It's time to stop playing around and commit.