He wants to adopt?

Question

My husbin which is the father of my 3yr old twins. He wants to adopt my other 3 children(who all have the same father). My 7 and 13 year old are okay with it, but my 9 year old dose not want to be adopted. he says that he loves his stepdad but he think his real dad is going to want him back so he is scared to be adopted then it would make his father mad. My x has not seen or talked to my children since my 7yr old son was born. Should I let him adopt my other children and let my son be or should i not let him adopt any of them? How do i tell my son that his dad is not comeing back and he said in the beining he did not want them?

Please help

Answer 1

Listen to what your child is telling him. Do not force the issue.

Answer 2

whether his father is coming back or not, it's your sons choice.  don't do it.

Answer 3

How wonderful your present husband is.  The fact that he wants to adopt your children means he is taking responsibility for them for the rest of his life.  The 9 year old is having the same concerns all children who are adopted have.  What if my bio dad comes back?  His isn't ready to accept that his bio dad isn't coming back.  At some point he will get there.  In order for your present husband to adopt, your x will have to sign relinquishment documents.  Do you know whether he is willing to do that?  Obviously, if he is willing to give up two of his children, he won't have a problem giving up the 9 year old.  Perhaps you can explain to the 9 year old that his siblings want to be adopted and have a "real" dad again, and in order to do that his bio dad has to give up his rights to them.  Explain that at that time his bio dad may choose to give up his rights to him also.  And ask him how that would make him feel.  Let him guide you through the process by asking questions about the relinquishment process.  Ask him if he'd like to discuss it with his bio dad prior to going through the process.  This will give him a feeling of control in the process.  If your x has any feelings at all for his children he will be willing to sit down with this child and explain to him that some families grow apart so that other families and grow closer.  I believe your child will come around because all kids want parents who love them.  It would be nice if you could discuss it with your x and ask him for his help in easing this child into the separation process from him and help him transition into accepting his new family without feeling guilt over what he probably sees as abandoning his bio dad.  Kids always think the parent left because of something they did.  He needs to understand that he doesn't need to carry that burden of holding onto his bio dad.  It is OK to always have love for his bio dad, but that it is also OK to love your present husband.  I wish you the best of luck.  You're a very lucky person.  Your present husband can be of tremendous help by telling your child that he would never ask him to give up his feelings for your x.  That he is just trying to show him how much he loves him and wants him as a part of his forever family.  Good Luck.

Answer 4

i think that you should let him adopt the other two and let the other one wait.  Don't adopt him against his will and if the other ones want to let them feel permant with your husband.  He will change his mind  (maybe)

Answer 5

wow and you had three kids with this man?!?! He sounds like a real jerk to me for leaving you with three kids!! How dare him. I would tell your son that his step dad loves him very much and will always be there for him. My stepdad and I are so close and he's been around me since I was 8 months old. I wish he would have adopted me because I hardly ever saw my real dad. But to me I still loved my real dad and he would always be apart of my life but not as much as my step dad who has taken care of me since the utmost beginning

Answer 6

I believe that a child the age of 9 should have the right to say he does Not want to be adopted....  Personally, I see very few situations where step-parents need to adopt children...  Who the legal parent is doesn't always a family define...

I never considered nor would I have asked my older children to be adopted by my second husband. Their father is c**p too but, I didn't need to prove it to my children by ending their relationship with their father...Over time they came to understand what a worthless bunch of poo their dad is...and they define the relationship they have with their dad...

My personal feelings are that Step-Parents adoptions should be rare--and only for situations where the other parent had not had any involvement with the children--or the other parent is dead....  otherwise I don't get all the step-parents adoptions... There is at least one Question a day about step parents adopting... the "discover" section is filled with Step Parent adoption questions....

Either way--I say I would Not force my kids to be adopted at the ages of 7-9-and 13..... If they want to fine--if not why would anyone want to insist....?

Answer 7

I would let him adopt the other 2 children, but become the guardian for the 9 year old.  The 9 year old may never come to grips with the situation or he may in 2 years.  He shouldn't be forced to have to be adopted, but your husband needs to be able to make medical decisions as well as be able to keep the kids with him if something should happen to you.

Answer 8

I think if not all the kids want to be adopted then don't let him adopt any of them.  I think they should all have the same last name as each other.  He would feel really left out if he was the only one that was not adopted or had a different last name.  What's the big hurry anyways?  The adoption is only a technicality.  If he does not want to do it, then don't.  He may end up hating you later on or blaming you for his father never coming back all because this other guy wanted to adopt him.

Answer 9

well, i would say that the star wars movie would be great for this...talk to him about what makes a father ,,....ask him if he were a daddy what would he do with his kids...would he leave and never ocme back or would he stay to love them....ask him if he would work for them and play with them and give them allowances and such....bascially describe his step dad....and have him call him daddy if that is best....if he already does, i dont see how the conversation wouldnt work on his understanding....some people are born with their parents and some have to "find" them ..goodluck

Answer 10

There are a lot of good answers here.  I wont try to repeat them.

I have adopted my ex-wife's daughter.  We already had a child.  We talked it over with her.  She was about 8-9 at the time.  She wanted the adoption, and she had never even met her biological father.  I commend your husband.  It is a harder choice than you know.

Heaven forbid but if you get divorced, it does add more confusion to the situation.  He will be responsible for child support.  Also, you would have to deal with visitation.  I know you don't want to deal with divorce.  However, unfortunately it does happen, and you can't make an informed choice without thinking everything through.

First, I would try to contact the biological father.  See what he says.  He might decide to actually become the father he should be.  I  hope he is giving some support.  Or, he might actually decide it is for the best to allow your current husband to adopt them.  He might want the release, or even the release of child support.  If he isn't paying anything, the threat of making him pay might convince him.  That should make it a LOT cheaper.  He might even talk to the 9 year old and make him feel more comfortable with your husband adopting him.

If all that fails, I would have a family meeting with the three kids, and discuss the options.  Some have said that it should be all or nothing.  I don't agree.  See how the kids feel if two are adopted and one isn't.  I would not force the 9 year old to get adopted if he doesn't want to.  It could cause resentment.  It might even cause a rift between him and your husband that will be very difficult to ever repair.  If he blames that on his dad never coming back.  It doesn't make it reasonable, just how kids think.

I hope everything works out for the best for your family.  I will put you in my prayers.

Answer 11

you will need your ex's approval for this to be done. Perhaps he should talk to your son.