Helicopter vs. B&B parenting: Words of wisdom?

Question

First definitions...

Helicopter parenting: Overprotective, always hovering around the child or children.

B&B (bed and breakfast) parenting: Hey, the kid has a place to sleep and if lucky might get breakfast.

These two are at opposite ends of the spectrum.

We are parents of an only child and have probably tended to be over protective. Plus, I was raised in more of a B&B environment and made my mind up that I was not going to do that to my child.

I think that the homeschool crowd thinks we are too far towards the B&B approach and the non-homeschool crowd thinks we are too much like helicopters.

Maybe this means we have found the right balance? We are making a conscious effort to allow our son to find his independence but it is hard for us not to be overprotective.

It is tough to find the right balance.

Any words of wisdom?

Note: this could have gone in the Parenting section, but I particularly want thoughts from homeschool parents.

Answer 1

Balancing acts are always tough.  We've been home-schooling now for 13 years, 3 children.

You have to _clearly_ identify your goals as a parent, and your goals for your child.  When you know this, you have to understand the stage your child is in, how you prefer to communicate, and how your child best "absorbs".

When you've done that, the process is almost over! :-)

Answer 2

for kids to be good learners and effective adults they need to be self starter otherwise they need to be in the Army where a drill Sgt. hovers over them to hussle all the time.

Einstein's mother didn't tell Albert to get off his rusty dusty and do some relativity work.

Steinbeck's mother did not deman he do 3 chapters in Of Mice and Men before noon.

Answer 3

It sounds to me like you've found the median, but I imagine it's hard to balance on.

I am homeschooled. I usually avoid saying the words "my mother homeschools me" because this isn't true. I think my mother found the right balance as well. She provides me with the educational materials I need, and when she thinks of a book I might enjoy reading/get a lot out of, or an assignment for me, or a field trip opportunity we should check out, she brings it up. But aside from that and the occasional push in the right direction when I show her I need it she pretty much stays out of it. I plan my week of lessons, stay on task, decide in what order to do my lessons, decide when I've mastered something and am ready to move on, play a huge role in thinking of methods of determining when I've mastered something. I choose the classes I take and play a big part in choosing materials and supplies. It works. If it didn't, and my mother saw that I was just slacking off all the time then we wouldn't be using this homeschool/unschool method. She's involved, but still gives me room to grow. It's like that in everything. My mother will always make sure there's food in the house, and now and then we'll cook something together, but for the most part I prepare my own food. She will always make sure I get to a doctor/dentist/etc when I need to, but I need to call to make the appointment, and make sure it's on an appropriate date and time. She will always help me fill out an application, say for SAT accomodations (I'm blind), or registration, or for universities, or summer programs, or whatever I'm doing if I need help reading something, but ultimately it is my responsibility to obtain the application, the information that has to go in it, and to complete it and mail it off. It is also my responsibility to arrange transportation to social events, appointments, volunteer work sites, and wherever else I want or need to go. That may mean asking her within a reasonably ammount of time from the event and getting the directions and times and such for her, finding someone else who will provide transportation, or planning my rout and using public transportation. My mom is protective of me. Don't get me wrong. And she's always there when I really need her. I can count on her for a lot. But she never overdoes it. We both help eachother out when it's asked for and really needed, but other than that my mother just lets me learn and grow naturally. So far it has worked for us.

Answer 4

Do what you think is best and don't worry about what everyone else thinks.  You need to be protective in today's society!  And at the same time your kid needs room to grow!  You're right, its tough to find the balance so just keep wobbling around somewhere in the middle and you'll do fine.  :o)

Answer 5

Helicopter vs B&B?

We have been told we fall into the helicopter category, I am not familiar with the other term; maybe because there are not that many home school parents that fall into that category.

If they do; although we have a very large home school community in our area, I personally do not know one who could be considered a hands off parent.

All of us work towards the independence of our children; that is the goal; allowing them to grow, and become capable, independent youngsters who think for themselves.

This however does not happen overnight, or by magic; it takes direct involvement of the parents, and proper guidance along the way.

Overprotective?

While our goal is to work ourselves out of a job, while we are doing so, it is also our job as parents to not place our children in positions that we know they are not yet ready to handle, may it be physically, or emotionally.

That would simply be negligent, and irresponsible.

On the other hand when they are ready, we still need to function as the guardrail, or safety net whatever you want to call it until they let us know that we can step back.

Teens especially need us just as much, if not more so than infants, and toddlers, just in a different way.

We go from being complete providers to guides, advisers, and cheerleaders.

If we have a good, and open communication with our children; this also can only develop over time; and we  trust that the foundation we have laid is stable, they will let us know themselves when they needs us, and when they do not.

They will also be able to built on that foundation, and feel comfortable enough to ask for advice when needed; why?, because they know we care, and will not steer them wrong, because we LOVE them.

I think many feel that home school parents are overprotective because they mistake our involvement with our children as being controlling, and over protective.

As home school parents we are our children's parents, academic instructors, sports coaches, cheerleaders, 4H leaders, cub/boy, or girl scout leaders, Sunday school teachers, Awana leaders, lab partners, drivers instructors, academic counselors, prom, or summer camp chaperons, youth group leaders, anything I forgot?

Words of wisdom? Not realy, simply be full of gratitude that you have the opportunity to be all that, and then some to your child.

Those who criticize this way of life, or parental involvement may simply wish they had made that same choice; our children are worth every minute.

Quote:

"One hundred years from now, it will not matter what kind of car I drove, what kind of house I lived in, how much was in my bank account, nor what my clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better because I was important in the life of a child."

Dr . Forest E. Witcraft

Answer 6

Stop beating ur self up over what type of parent u R!  There r helicopter parents who ruin their children and then r helicopter parents who try to warn their children of potential pitfalls that can occur when they are naive and growing up.  It's not making the choice for the young person but guiding them.  For teens and young adults u help them see their options.  Help them to develop organizational skills.  

There was a news report that colleges found: helicopter parents knew what their kids were doing in college courses and checking grades.  They often told their children of valuable resources available on their campus. Found tutoring if they needed.  Found organizations and clubs to propose new opportunities to develop friendships and ease the transition.  They found that many times the young adults just needed to hear their parents voice and allow them to vent, describe their problem, asking for advice.  These kids had higher grades and adjusted to the transition better than parents who left their kids to figure everything out on their own.  So the term helicopter parent is no longer viewed as negative.

B & B parenting is fine for those children who are so independant that they thrive on the challenge and just need to eat and sleep in their parents households.  They contribute and  rise to challenges in stride.

The bottom line is you know your parenting skills, you know your children.  Kids need boundaries especially preteens and teenagers!  When no one gives a d**n it damages children and alters who they were meant to be.  Only children need opportunities to interact with others their age and younger.  Sounds like your doing a great job.

When we as a nation discard our youth or send them to jail we create a monster.  Til we work at reducing the dropout rate, work with children who isolate themselves, provide resources that even if their parents don't give a d**n... our society does we'll continue to have random acts of violence. We all need to teach kindness, respect, tolerance, and caring.  Bottom lines kids need boundaries, open communication.  It doesn't eliminate problems, stress or pitfall but everyone has better coping skills and determination to overcome a problem or obstacle.

Answer 7

Yep, I see both kinds of parenting. I have to say, if you are going to lean to one side or the other, lean toward the helicopter style of parenting. At least the kids can rebel against you and strike out on their own. If you listen to your kids, they will tell you when they need some space. What can they do about being ignored most of their lives? Those B&B kids will work extra hard for the validation of peers and I don't think I have to point out where that leads. I remember being a new mom and having other mothers tell me I needed to let my child be more independent. I didn't listen. I believe in giving kids a strong base to build on. My way seems to have worked. Being there for your kids gives them confidence. I try to walk the line, but I definitely prefer to be a helicopter rather than a B&B parent.

     Sometimes I make fun of myself. My daughter will pack up to go to Disney with the Grandfolks, out of town with a friend's family or off to an aunt’s for a visit. I'll pretend to try to talk her in to staying home with me. I tell her how much fun it will be to stay home and stare at each other, or how much safer it would be to sit home, under her bed for the week. I get as ridiculous as I can. (Think Golem from The Hobbit.) She normally packs as fast as she can, giggling the entire time. Then I sit at the window and wave manically as she leaves. So far, she's the most independent kid I know. Hovering is creepy, but it can give a kid a very good reason to go it alone. ;)

   Seriously, all we can do is our best. You already know there is a line to walk and GI Joes says that knowing is half the battle. I think you've got everything in hand.