Hello, I have a four year old son who likes to let's say behave his own way at preschool, he pushes he ignores

Question

yes he ignores teachers, while running around a bit. He is clever. but for six months now the teachers have tried to control his temprament. Now for my part i have been to soft in the disapline no smacking no time out etc basically he does what he wants. Before the holiday an assessor came to the school and said he is impulsive and hurts other kids. they even suggested a behaviour plan where someone comes into my home question is shall i let them come i am uneasy about this. The preschool are aware that i have been stressed after losing my mother etc. This week i have been giving out disapline and he has changed so much as i carried it out everytime. My son says he pushes kids because he likes spiderman. I TELL HIM NO NO. He has a good imagination. he also is bullied by another child at the preschool. I feel i want to take him out and correct him my way. When i asked the assesor if he had a behaviour problem she said i cant tell you. so what was the assesment for?

Answer 1

It's very simple, but you need to pull yourself together!! Children need boundaries. They need to know where they stand. They will always try to go beyond their boundaries, but they are much happier, feel safer and comfortable when they know the rules and that they mustn't break them.

You are not doing your child any favours by allowing him to behave badly. You need to set ground rules and the best way to do that is to work with his nursery and set them together so that you are all consistent with each other - the worst behaved children are those that have two or three sets of rules and never quite know where they stand.

From what you've said, my guess is that the assessor came in and said that there's nothing wrong with your child except that he needs some serious boundaries setting - not necessarily discipline, just rules to follow and sanctions for stepping outside the rules eg. timed time out etc.

I can guarantee that your son is not being bullied. Children at that age are too young to bully, it's much more complex than that, so please don't give him an axcuse to behave badly eg. your mother's death and allowing him to say he does it 'because he likes spiderman', these aren't excuses for not setting boundaries.

I hate to say it, but you sound like a very poor mother, sorry, but that's how you come across. Your son cannot be part of a society where he 'behaves his own way', no one would learn anything if all children behaved that way. Surely you must see how unpleasant he must be. Do you want adults to dislike your son? Do you want other children to avoid playing with him? Of course you don't. Do him a favour now, otherwise, when he's 17 he'll still be behaving like a four year old. Teach him that when you say no, you absolutely mean no and will not change your mind. Get a grip before it's too late love.

Answer 2

The assessment is most likely to see what his behaviour is like at home, and how you are dealing with it. They may also be looking to see whether you need support to deal with his behaviour. There are agencies out there that will  support you, as challenging behaviour can be extremely draining. You need to take whatever help they give you for your sake as well as his. If they diagnose ADHD ask what alternatives there are to Ritalin as this is definitely a last resort.

Good luck and I hope everything turns out OK.

Answer 3

get intervention QUICK! mine is 11yrs old & is still impulsive & kind of aggressive & acts out! it does not get easier! good luck!

Answer 4

Don't panic especially infront of the child. Let him calm down, perhaps letting him cool off, in a part of the house wher is most quiet, maybe even with a stuff animal or a comfort item. Give him a couple of minutes, then approach him and ask him if he's ready to tell you what's wrong. Tell him that when you are angry or sad you don't hit people, and explain it to him. Try to use Don't, because that creates negativity, which will make him more prune to not doing it, instead say help me with this, can you please clean up your toys when you are done. Be firm, but not harsh, and never hit the child as a means of discipline. You ar just creating a barrier. And if you are teaching the child not to be so aggresive, remember that what he will learn is that its ok to hit someone smaller than you, and he will only obey out of fear rather than learning that that is wrong. Establish a quiet time where you read him a story, and let him take part in choosing the book. Spend more time with him. DOn't push him, let him progress slowly, and at his own pace. CHildren at this age have a big imagination as well as adults, except that adults, learn to keep that inside, whether the child likes to play. Remeber that children learn through play. MAybe that can also help, let him play out his frustration, maybe he is playing to fight of the monster, or the bully, well let him be the bully, and you the victim, and maybe tha's how he will express his fear.  Be patient and encouraging. Also remember that children at this age are beggining to learn self regulation, meaning that sometimes they take out there feeling physically, but they need to learn how to take them out verbally. Think if his mother's death has affected him in some way?

Answer 5

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Answer 6

i think u should have a white board on your fridge and every time he acts out you put and X and every time he behaves well you put a + and if there are more +s than Xs you reward him, but if it is the opposite you talk to him and tell him about the consequences of being a bad boy

i'm a baby sitter and i know little kids and they like it when they know that they did a good job on improving and you can keep doing the above until he behaves well on his own

Answer 7

You are not being fair to your son. If he is to integrate happily into society, he needs discipline. My Mother used to teach 5 year-olds, and she was strict with the children, believing children need the security of boundaries for behaviour.

When I had my daughter, I was strict from the start, believing that a child is never too young to learn, and the first thing to teach a child is the meaning of the word "no". As she grew older, I never had any trouble with her, and could take her anywhere.

Your child's belief in his own way of behaviour infringes on the rights of the other children. You have to teach him more than what his rights are, he is going to have to learn about responsibilities in dealing with other people, too. The world does not revolve around him.

Answer 8

Now is the time to TEACH your child to behave. You must learn how to change his behavior and be consistent. Otherwise his life will be a mess and his education will lack.

Do not hesitate to hold him back in Kindergarten, its better than not getting what he needs in 1st grade.

Contact your local Child Abuse preveniton group and ask them to recommend parenting classes.

Watch old episodes of the Supernanny.

Work with the teachers, if you develop a plan meet with them to ask them to support it. If they have a plan, follow it.

Punishment is fast and effective but it tends to cause backlash and stress. Positive reinforcement can use pleaseant rewards.  

If your son sits for 5 mins then praise him for acting like a young man. If he cleans up when asked, give him a hug.

Ignore bad behavior, unless it is dangerous, or severe, in whcih case punishment may be necessary. Punishment is not just hitting and yelling. Turn off the TV, take away a toy.

Keep a journal of what works and what dosent, keep take of how well YOU do in being consistent. Watch out when you are tired or angry. Enlist the help of your family. They must help and follow your plan. If not then stay away from them.



=============================

WAYS TO PRAISE A CHILD

A BIG HUG

A BIG KISS

A+ JOB

AWESOME

BEAUTIFUL

BEAUTIFUL SHARING

BEAUTIFUL WORK

BINGO

BRAVO

CREATIVE JOB

DYNAMITE

EXCELLENT

EXCELLENT JOB

EXCEPTIONAL PERFORMANCE

FANTASTIC

FANTASTIC JOB

GIVE THEM A BIG SMILE

GOOD

GOOD FOR YOU

GOOD JOB

GREAT

GREAT DISCOVERY

HIP, HIP HURRAY

HOT DOG

HOW NICE •

HOW SMART

HURRAY FOR YOU

I KNEW YOU COULD DO IT

I LIKE YOU

I LOVE YOU

I RESPECT YOU

I TRUST YOU

I'M PROUD OF YOU

LOOKING GOOD

MAGNIFICENT

MARVELOUS

MY BUDDY

NEAT

NICE WORK

NOTHING CAN STOP YOU NOW

NOW YOU'RE FLYING

NOW YOU'VE GOT IT

OUTSTANDING

OUTSTANDING PERFORMANCE

PHENOMENAL

REMARKABLE

REMARKABLE JOB

SPECTACULAR

SUPER

SUPER JOB

SUPER STAR

SUPER WORK

TERRIFIC

THAT'S INCREDIBLE

THAT'S THE BEST

WAY TO GO

WELL DONE

WHAT A GOOD LISTENER

WHAT AN IMAGINATION

WOW

YOU BELONG

YOU BRIGHTEN MY DAY

YOU CARE

YOU FIGURED IT OUT

YOU LEARNED IT

YOU MADE MY DAY

YOU MAKE ME HAPPY

YOU MAKE ME LAUGH

YOU MEAN A LOT TO ME

YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME THAT'S CORRECT

YOU TRIED HARD

YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND

YOU'RE A JOY

YOU'RE A REAL TROOPER

YOU'RE A TREASURE

YOU'RE A WINNER

YOU'RE A-OK

YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL

YOU'RE CATCHING ON

YOU'RE DARLING

YOU'RE EXCITING

YOU'RE FANTASTIC

YOU'RE FUN

YOU'RE GROWING UP

YOU'RE IMPORTANT

YOU'RE INCREDIBLE

YOU'RE ON TARGET

YOU'RE ON TOP OF IT

YOU'RE ON YOUR WAY

YOU'RE PERFECT

YOU'RE PRECIOUS

YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE

YOU'RE SENSATIONAL

YOU'RE SPECIAL

YOU'RE SPECTACULAR

YOU'RE UNIQUE

YOU'RE WONDERFUL

YOU'VE DISCOVERED THE SECRET

YOU'VE GOT A FRIEND

Answer 9

ritalin prescription

Answer 10

Is he an only child? Are you married? Divorce? Do you work all day? I can't answer your question or give you a good advice without knowing some background...but remember children can sense everything that you feel and sometimes don't know how to react or deal with it and aggressiveness is one of the symptoms.

What happened six months ago?

Answer 11

You're not thinking about what is best for the child.  I rarely say that, but you are making up excuses to not take care of your child.  ("I have been stressed after losing my mother.")  Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother....I do have genuine sympathy for it.  That does not mean, however, that you can ignore the fact that you have a son that you need to raise.

He likes to push people because he likes to pretend to be Spider Man.  You said he has a good imagination.  Good...glad he does.  That imagination also needs clear boundaries.  Or at least carry it to the full extent....Spider man would not push his friends around.

Don't tell him "no no."  Tell him "we do not push people at all."

If he's bullied by another student, that is a seperate issue.  It's one that should be dealt with, but do not ignore this one.

Don't smack him...it's good that you do not do that.  That will just compound the behavior you are seeing.

Only a doctor can diagnose behavior issues.  The person there at your home was likely just observing so you do have something to talk to your doctor about.  At the same time, it seems like his discipline life at home (and I'm sorry to say this so bluntly.  I only do so for the child's sake) needs a lot of work.  That's not a bad thing...many parents need to learn a lot.  Just see it as an opportunity to develop.

If I may suggest a starting point:

http://astore.amazon.com/monteblog-20/de...

It's an incredible book.  Read the overall reviews then see if this book is right for you.

This is another great book called "How to talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk"

http://astore.amazon.com/monteblog-20/de...

Hope they help!

Matt

Answer 12

Hi, personally I think that the preschool teachers should have spoken to you more about this to explain what is happening. Having someone come to your home is bound to give you a mixture of emotions. But in my experiences these professionals arent coming to make you feel inadequate or to feel you are being tested. They simply want to see your son in a different environment-too see what he plays with, how he reacts to things etc without the other children, the setting etc. Sometimes children have behavioural difficulties at preschool because of the large group of children, the changes in routines and general evironment changes.

If he is clever then try talkign to him-if he likes spiderman tell him about values such as spiderman helps people-he keeps them safe and cares for them he doesnt go around hurting people. He only hurts bad guys who are dressed in costumes or doing bad things-spiderman always tells the police about baddies and lets them sort out how to deal with them...by putting it in this term is might support him if his behaviour is roleplay based.

If your child is being 'bullied' then speak to the setting as they be unaware. This may or may not have effect on your son's behaviour but for his emotional needs talk to them to get it looked into.

With disicpline make sure its appropriate eg: if you are teaching your child not to physical hit another child, then smacking him may not be an appropiate lesson to teach him.

As for 'what is the assessment for'-the person may not have been able to tell you as she may not be able to make a judgement until she has a full report. She is probably just covering herself legally at the moment. You will be entitiled to a full report at the end.

My best advice is to keep in regular contact with the setting and if you want more support as your council or LEA for the contact details of your local Parent Partnership scheme. Good Luck

PS: Ideas Ive tried in past are: diversion-make sure he is stimulated and has enough to do. Go for walks ,run around the park, dance to the radio etc to get rid of excess energy. Do crafts, cooking etc...some behavioural issues are when children are under stimulated and bored-they just dont know how how to tel you they are bored!

Answer 13

Then take him out (and keep the brat out of my son's preschool).  If you didn't pay for the assessment, then you may not get a copy.

Answer 14

Hi. You shouldn't get to worried, this behaviour is usually only temp. or he is attention seeking in some way. I have 3 boys the 2 eldest is 8 and 6 every time they watch spiderman or power rangers they immediately wants to copy what they've just seen, I've stopped them from watching these programmes for a while and it helped, now they watch it without fighting after wards or they get a warning. Also I found it extremely helpful to have at least half an hour everyday just sitting there with each one on there own either playing or drawing just some quiet time and talk about everything, you might find that something is bothering him. And you can be soft but it is also very important that he gets punished if he does something wrong. I don't mean smacking by punishment but timeout, no treats, or send him to his room, take away his favourite toy or game, harsh I know but believe me very helpful. But if you can get some help you shouldn't hesitate, just for a short while try it who knows.You say that he is being bullied by another child, well maybe that's your answer, maybe he is behaving the same way he is being treated. Have you sorted the bullying out with the school or parents? Any way sorry for boring you. Hope everything gets sorted. Good luck