Hello All: please answer, I want to do foster-care, but I am a very emotional person plus I just went to a?

Question

depression phase, and I think I am in a better condition now, my Mom and my husband think will be too stressfull for me, but at the same time I cant have more kids ( I have 1) and I think this can be a good solution to go for an adoption. what do you think?

Answer 1

sweetie, i can see that you want to do something good here and that it would also do you good to have someone to look after or to focus on.  but i have to agree with your mom and husband on this one, please hear me out.  its not so much that it would be stressful on you which obviously i do care about but also a child needing to be fostered if going to have issues of their own.  your not only needing to deal with your issues and emotions but also theirs.  they will probably be very demanding and will need a lot of understanding but they also need stability and a secure role model.  they don't need another person letting them down (speaking from my own experiences) so get yourself well first, maybe make a contribution by fundrasing or joining a 'big brother' style scheme where you offer less of your time.  there are plenty of kids needing help and i'm sure you have a lot to offer, good luck! :D x

Answer 2

Foster care is a VERY stressful situation. If you aren't 100% up to it -your whoile life can be impacted, as well as your child's life. These kids are emtionally scarred. Some of them molest, destroy, run away and try to tear apart your family. I know - I adopted one. Reactive Attachment Disorder is a bugaboo to deal with & treat.  I suggest you think long and hard about it before making a decision. Good Luck.

Answer 3

foster care is probably difficult b/c you can't necessarily teach a child and ensure their well being by having them in and out your home..and out elsewhere ..w who knows who......adopting has a looooot of challenges. I am very emotional as well and have come across this same issue...I am interested in adopting..eventually. I think, you should outweigh the benefits and negatives...it isn't going to be a cake walk...the child is giong to be in major emotional and maybe physical distress....it takes a very special person to care for them......really only u can decide if you ar ready or can step up to the challenge...you can't just return the child if you don;t like em....

Answer 4

There are so many children needing stable foster care that it may be a good idea to test the waters of your emotional state by joining a Big Brother/Big Sister group first.  There are also big differences in adopting and providing foster care and a lot of organizations out there that promote and lend support to both so educate yourself. Another idea might be to volunteer your time with children's activities.  As a adoptive parent i believe it paramount before deciding to getting educated on all the issues that will follow your decision.  good luck

Answer 5

There are two ways to adopt from the Foster Care system.... Some people become foster parents with the option to adopt a child if that child's plan is changed to adoption...

or

The way my husband and I adopted was to consider only those children "Legally Free" for adoption and have them placed into our home as Pre-Adoptive placements with very Low risk that the adoptions would not take place.

During the home study process your mental health and emotions--past expereinces and family history will be evaluated....  Some families are asked to have more Psychological evaluations done especially if there has been any history of depression or any other traumatic life expereince. In some cases if the state views the Risk of the parents being unable to emotionally tolerate the role of Foster or Adoption as a major issue that family will either not be approved or they may be a delay of a child being placed.

If your family, and your husband don't feel you are able emotionally to handle the role of fostering and WORKING first toward Reunification of the Foster Children with their families or with another family selected to adopt a child you might be fostering then it is likely to come out during the Home Study....

The foster mother who had our children had a very difficult time allowing us to transition the 1 year old to our home--She wanted to adopt the younger sibling and not the older one... They attempted to split the children up and then had terrible problems when they were Not permitted to adopt the baby they had cared for from the age of 6 weeks.... Due to her inability to handle the states decision she was ordered to take more classes and have therapy over the whole situation before future Babies were placed....

If your only reason to Foster is to Adopt then my recomendation is to approach the state and Only ask to be considered as a resource for pre-adoptive placements. The wait for the child to move into your home will be longer... But not any longer then a child placed as a foster child and waiting to find out if the plan will be adoption--and then if you will be permitted to adopt.....

****ETA: People who have suffered Depression "can" Foster and Adopt--However, the REASON for the Depression, the way the parents has managed that depression and the overall history for the emotional or medical condition will be VERY closely considered.  I was Diagnosed very young as "Clinically Depressed" and it did require several additional steps and a good deal of extra time to have a full picture about the depression I have suffered....  Because My personal history showed I was always pro-active and got help and support during the times of my own depression--I was actually viewed as a Parent who would be more compassionate and proactive with the emotional and mental health needs of our daughter.... My personal history showed that I did Not lock myself away and cry and that I took steps throughout my life to recognize and manage my own depression.... What could have been seen as a negative was actually a postive....5 years later and I am still Managing My own depression...and still actively recognizing when I need to seek help to maintain my own emotions in order to be a good parent to a child who has had a traumatic past and her own emotional issues.... It is all about HOW the parents have managed their own lives in the past and what they do when Trauma or depression enters their lives.....

Answer 6

mayeb wait until you are feeling much better and can be sure you can handle it. there is no point rushing things.

Answer 7

Hi

I've been in the same situation as you.  Except I did foster care for 2 years, the kids were sent home and then I was diagnosed with a chronic disease.  After 3 years of illness and struggle - I came through it.  The first thing I did was sign me and my husband up for foster care training in our new area.  Four months later we were fostering again.  We have 2 in care now and 1 in pre-adopt mode.

Follow your heart and your faith.  It is my faith that told me not to listen to my mom and husband.  God knows that I can handle these kids, he knows that they keep me from thinking about how sick I am at times.  It's my path to continue doing foster care for as long as I can.

Hope this helps,

Answer 8

I would wait till you are ready emotional. Being an emotional person is not a bad thing but if you don’t feel you could handle some things you might want to wait till your more sure that you can handle them.  Being a foster parent can be rewarding but it also comes with a lot of emotions to. From having to saying goodbye to a child you cared for and loved for a while or even ending up with a child that has a lot of emotional problems from previous abuse and or neglect.

Do you just want to just foster?  Do you want to Foster to eventually adopt?  Or both?

If you just want to adopt you might consider when your ready the Fos to adopt program. You would be placed with a foster child that would most likely eventually become available for adoption and you would have agreed to adopt that child when and if he or she becomes available.  Or as said get on the list for children that are already available to be adopt.

Answer 9

I would buy a couple of books on adoption "primal wound" "journey of the adopted self" "20 things adoptees wish their adoptive parents knew"

and start reading them.

You'll find that adoptees and foster youth come with our own feelings and we need a lot of attention and support to help us learn to live with them. Maybe when you're done with those you'll be able to see adoption from the light it should be seen in.

Answer 10

just take everything one step at a time, if you have to question if you are ready then you probably are not, just look at it that way. or wait until you know in your heart you can handle it, and i know thats hard with emotional struggles, but just something to reflect on, read books about people going through what you have.

or even try seeing a psychologist weekly/monthly and have him evaluate you and keep progress charts to check your stability and how you react under pressure and stress

good luck, i hope everything works out

Answer 11

if your emotional its prob not a good idea

some foster kids can be very messed up and very mean

and some just want love so u might start to love them and they will get moved

but you should also follow your heart

and see how your kid feels about this he might not want strangers in the house i know i dont

just dicuse it some more with your immidate family and than decide

Answer 12

First of all,I think its a good thing that you want to help other kids and maybe adopt. But rush in to it if you don't think your ready. Make sure that you are mentally, physically, and emotionally ready for it. I've thought of doing the same thing that your wanting to do but I suffer form schizophrenia. And my husband has been a foster parent before and he don't think that I would get to emotionally  attached to the kids. So we haven't done it. We are still trying to have a child of our own.

Answer 13

I don't think you will be allowed to foster if you suffer from depression. I wouldn't leave my children with someone who was depressed.

Answer 14

you need to fix yourself before taking on another human being.

don't expect a kid to cure you

Answer 15

Foster care is a great thing but can be very emotionally taxing. You become emotionally attached to these children and you see them go through a lot. (parent visits, court dates..etc.) and then they eventually leave. It can be very sad.. but if you are prepared for that it can be very rewarding as well.  A question to keep in mind also is how will your child adjust to having another child in their house that is not his/her real brother or sister... are you prepared to Handel jealousy or even perhaps slight depression in your child if it occurs?

I agree with amandaka.. some children that you can get through the foster system are very confused, abused and angry at life. They can be very abusive, aggressive and mean, but that is only because they want love and they do not know hot to show it.

My family has done quite a bit of foster parenting we have had death threats from children, thrown objects, a lot of stealing, abuse on other children and the list can go on. But that is def. not all the children! some are very sweet and adorable and just new to the world...all i can say is be very careful and be prepared emotionally for these situations that may arise. Good luck with your decision!

Answer 16

To be truthful in a depressed state, I don't think you could pass the home study. In the home study they don't just determine if your house is okay but they determine that you are okay. They ask very deep questions and you have to answer them. The social worker we work with has told us that we must be able to deal with the loss of infertility and we must be able to prove to her this, that she will not allow us to become foster parents. She said that we must deal with our own losses so that we will be able to help the children deal with their losses. Does that help?

Answer 17

Oh, I can talk about depression and foster care and adoption.  I've been there, done that, on all three.  First of all, do NOT let your depression define who you are.  It is a physical disorder which is very treatable.  Do not feel that you are less of a person because you have been through depression, and/or might have a tendency to become depressed.  The first thing I say to you, and with the utmost sincerity, is love yourself enough to treat your depression for what it is--it's just a medical condition.  Don't let anyone convince you that you are to blame, or that you should just get over it and feel better.

Now, that being said, foster care and/or adoption are certainly big things to consider for anyone.  So, just as I would say to anyone who asked about those things:  Do your homework first.  Read real stories written by real adoptees, foster children, foster parents, adoptive parents, first moms, etc... Real stories by real people.  Don't just go by what you hear from the agencies.  They have an agenda of their own.  They have way to many foster children, and not nearly enough foster families.  

Educate yourself, and then talk it over with your therapist, or whoever treats your depression.  You should not feel ostracized because of your depression.  At the same time, though, you do want to look at the picture without any rose-colored glasses on.  Foster care is stressful.  Adoption is stressful--forever.  Once you know the facts--the real truth--you will be in a better position to make the decision that is right for you.  Good luck.

ETA:  kamamsm, you have a RADish?  Me too.  They are totally exhausting, huh?  E-mail me sometimes.  I'd love to talk!