Help, I don't like my son's girlfriend.?

Question

I have an 18 year old honor student son who has never been in trouble and has always been our pride and joy. However, this summer he started seeing a 25 year old girl with a 2 year old son. She has bought him alcohol and he has been lying to us all of the time. Our relationship with him has really deteriorated, which just breaks my heart. I know I can't choose his girlfriends but I could use some advise.

Answer 1

Try to get along with the girl (I know that's hard), but if your son really likes her, your relationship with him will continue to fail if you don't accept her.  Try to invite her over and talk to her, get to know her.  Then when you get that bond tell her how much your son means to you and what you would.  The best thing would be your son dumping her, but most likely that's not going to happen soon, but keep reminding him about how he is a good boy & he should try to uphold his reputation.  & If all fails, try to hook him up with a good girl yourself!  lol Good luck, I know how upsetting that can be!

Answer 2

Lynn, when I read your question my heart just SANK.  I wish I had advice for you, but I don't.  I also have an 18 year old honor student, so can empathize with your bewilderment and grief over this.  I can only imagine...

The only thing that I can think that might rest your mind a little is that YOU have raised your son for 18 years - and all during that time you tried to teach him to be a good person.  It may take a while for the light to dawn in his head/heart, but surely it will.  God bless and don't give up.

Answer 3

he's 18 so legally a adult so nothing you can do.

he might be doing this causes hes tired of being the perfect son. he wants to come out of his shell. have a long talk with him about this. tell him all of how youre feeling.

Answer 4

The only thing you can do, Mom, is to hold your tongue.  

Fortunately, this will pass and probably very soon.  Your main concern should be keeping him at home.  At 18, kids are fond of letting you know that legally they can leave your house and live on their own.  

I don't really know what you should do, but I know what you should not do.  Don't get on his case (he already knows what you think), don't mock the relationship (he knows she is too old for him), don't make any threats (it could be the catalyst that moves him out of your home), don't talk bad about her (he *loves* her).

Do give it time!  Do be patient!  Do let him know that you love him!  

And if you really get to the end of your rope, have a talk with him.  Tell him that you're glad he found his soul mate and that you think he should make an honest woman out of her and become a father to the child.  Tell him that he should marry her before she gets pregnant.

And then you go to your nearest church and you throw yourself at the mercy of god and beg him not to let your son do any of the things you told him to do.

Answer 5

WOW! I would had said back off let him be with his own girl and stick up for him but 25!!! GEEEZ! i dont think so. Be a parent and tell him to cut it out. he is going away from you and trying to make you feel bad because he knows you week. But seriously i think it is time you pray! NO joke!

Answer 6

There's not much you can do. I don't know about your state but in most sates, you're considered an adult at 18. Here's something else to think about, the more you hassle him over this girl, the more likely he's going to rebel just to prove a point. That happened to someone I know. Parents, sister, no one liked this girls bf and the more she was hassled about him, the more she did exactly what people didn't want her to do. As for the lying, your son probably lied, because he knew you weren't going to approve of the situation. Unless, he starts doing drugs, getting into trouble, or drinking...which he's already doing...I'd leave it alone.

18 is a really great age to do dumb things. Suppose he goes over to her house one night (the two of you have just had a n argument about her) and he starts in with, "He just doesn't understand us. I wish I could get out of that house but don't have any where to go." Here's your worst nightmare, she says,"Well you know you can stay here." and he does.

Hope I given you some help.

Additional Details:

Whatever you do, don't say, "It's my way or the highway." because he just might leave. Hopefully, if you don't say to much about the situation, he'll get over her. Good luck.

Answer 7

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Keep in mind, the more you make her look bad, the higher or a pedestal she is going up on, and when he fights with her, don't bad mouth her, listen to what your son has to say, and suggest nice things they can do to work it out because two days later they'll be all "chummy" again and then your the bad guy....my suggestion, try and talk to your son and see if he'd agree to have her and her son come over, your son sounds like a smart boy and is he sees something in her, I am sure over time you'll see it as well, I mean children live what they learn and if you taught him good morals (which it looks like you have) you'll see what he does, and either way you'll get closer to her should she end up being in your life long term....well good luck!

Answer 8

you can only hope he sees the light and decides not to stay with her or that she changes her ways...

Answer 9

tell him how u feel

Answer 10

sounds to me like your son may be getting into drugs.

but regardless, you should try to be friends with his gf and her child...invite her over more often...let them hang out at your house with no disturbances. After that its basically just inviting her to do family things you would normally do with just your son. If all else fails atleast your son will see you making an attempt to accepting his gf.

Answer 11

He is 18 there really isn't much you can do. You can talk to him until your blue in the face. But you can make sure he is using birth control. Give him some space and hopefully.he'll see things differently. If he has never had a girl friend he must think this is great an older women. I hope he continues with his education. Really there isn't anything you can do. but don't pressure him any more about this. Unless this start to interfere with school work. Good Luck. The older the kids get the bigger the problems. We have teenage grandchildren 15 & 16 and it doesn't get any better. Only I'm not raising them!

Answer 12

hi well im 15 and if you dont like her than take it from me i hate it when my parents try and tell me about my boyfriends but if he has a close relative maybe you can ask one of them to help you talk to him....and dont try and ground him either you can also ask him to bring her to the house more often so you can supervise them but dont tell him TAT PART and sorry if this does not work but good luck

Answer 13

go on a show called parental control =)

Answer 14

Hi,

I dont think there is much you can do at this moment in time expect advise him. Whatever you say he will proberly do the opposite, and dont worry the relationship will not last. He has to learn by his own mistakes....And at least you are here to advise him on this one. It may not seem like your opinion matters but at the back of his mind, im sure he remembers ur negativity towards the relationship.

Anyway, He should learn by his own mistakes, just make sure your there to advise him. Talk to him/Hope/Make sure he does not make her pregnant, other than that, You should just work on your relationship as she will not like it if you become close again. It may be hard, but work on it. Eventually you can windle your opinions and thoughts into your son, maybe enough to influence him.

Dont worry yourself, Nearly every mother goes through this. Their son dating a girl they do not like. He has not changed, its proberly just his hormones deciding his decisions at this time. He is still your pirde & joy and has not changed... You have bought your son up good enough for him to know and make his own decisions... I hope I helped :)

Answer 15

I'd suggest sitting down and talking with her.  Get to know her better.  It's possible she's intimidated, or that she thinks you've judged her already for having a child.

In the end, though, you'll have to accept that your son is old enough to make his own decisions.

Answer 16

unfortunately you cant tell him what to do. if you do, he always be hostile to you. you dont want that. not only that, he will probably see her either way. that creates more animosity between you guys, as well as more lying. just let it die down, i doubt this will work out. she will eventually want an older man with a nice job to take care of her and her son. who knows, she might already be cheating on him. maybe bring pretty young, good girls around the house. thats what i would to. cook dinner, but only do it when he is home.

Answer 17

hi, Im a 20 year old female, and most of my friends are guys. So from what I have seen with them, this whole "older girl" thing is usually just a faze, along with the drinking, at our age most of us go throught a stage were we tend to want to do the wrong things, or try things out  and realize on our own that they are wrong. anyway, my best advice is just sit it out! OH and pretend to like her ALOT for some reason this usually causes us "kids" not to like that person as much any more. lol and if he does start to see it he will realize you have been there and supportive of him and not have that "i told you so feeling"  

and no ur son isnt getting into drugs. and she may not be that bad you never know! and I agree with people about him being an adult. you raised him.  so trust him. and dont hold on too tightly because hes your son and always will be.

Answer 18

Tell her it is against the law to give alcohol to a minor. Wow this one is tough. You can try as long as you live in my house you will not see her, but he's old enough to move out!!

Answer 19

you cant do anything about it. unfortunately hes 18 so youre out of luck. but once there 18 this happens all the time. they find someone they love and change. and im sorry to hear this

Answer 20

I will say though. I was an honor student, I started drinking under the age and I lied to my mom. It wasn't because I was disrespecting her (even though I was by lying), but I didn't tell her because I didn't want her to be disappointed in me.

I don't think your son is lying because he doesn't want to get caught, I think he doesn't want you to think less of him, he doesn't want you to be disappointed.

I would sit and have a talk and let him know that while you're disappointed in his choice to drink underage and lie about it, you're not disappointed in him, you still love him and are still proud of what he's accomplished so far in his life. Communication is the key.

If the father is in the picture, get him involved as well. Father and son talks just work a bit better than mom and son for some reason.

As far as the girlfriend goes, not much you can do about that, but you still have control under your own roof. If you're not comfortable with her coming to visit your son, make that known. You're still the one making the rent or house payments and paying for your son to eat.

Answer 21

Now here is the perfect time to sit your son down and talk to him about this problem and how you feel about his girlfriend, the parents know what is best for their child.  

Answer 22

My parents made me break up with a girlfriend, things have never been the same. I don't understand them, they don't understand me... but it was okay when my brother started dating a 25 year old with a kid while he was in college... still is... don't worry. But here's what I believe will happen. your son, if he is as smart as you say he is, will get tired of having to look after the children and she will eventually put too much responsibility on him. My brother's girlfriend did that and a friend of mine is currently getting that. My brother is smart, he got out when it got too time consuming, my friend is desperate and will stay with her, but says he'll break up with her soon. So... I think leave it to him... he will be able to work it out. Don't pressure him though, he will most likely hold a grudge even if you are right.  

Answer 23

Cool. That chick will teach your son a lot. He's an adult now, leave him be.

Answer 24

I was always a good kid, did everything my parents said, until I went away to college (at 17). I drank, smoked, and dated ALL the wrong guys. I never told them about this stuff because I knew that they would be very disappointed in me.

However, I also knew that I needed the opportunity to experiment a bit. After dating all those awful guys, I really knew what I wanted in a partner, and have used those experiences to help me choose the man I will marry (a wonderful, upstanding man who treats me like gold).

Maybe your son really needs the chance to make a few mistakes so that he can recognize the right woman when she comes along. Try to give him some space to experiment. If he's really as smart as he sounds, and I think he is, then he will quickly realize that this is not the right relationship for him. But if you try to intervene, he will resent you for not trusting him.

That said, if your son starts getting involved in drugs or other illegal activity, you should by all means intervene. Until then, let him learn.

Answer 25

Your son sounds like a bright kid who made a bad choice. Talk to him about his future - does he see himself as a doctor/lawyer/banker/etc or as an adult with a criminal record (alcohol etc) who can't find a job. I know it's a little extreme but he has to understand that every choice makes a difference.

Also - this isn't a 25 year old "girl".. she's a 25 year old woman!! You could talk to her, too! Ask her what she is doing with your 18 year old son?