Help, my mother in law to be hates me, even worse I am...

Question

I am losing my mind. My Fiancee's mother is evil incarnate. Sweetest woman you will ever meet at first, but behind closed doors do I seldom smile here. Worst of all, Amy(my Fiancee's name, changed for whatever purpose) is too afraid to question her authority. Amy is 21 and letting her mother dictate decisions that not only affect her life, but mine. Amy and I were supposed to leave early Sept, we had plans to release our apartment, take care of our schooling, work, etc. Now it seems her mom has made a huge deal about, asking me what my problem is that I can't spend 1 week apart from Amy. My response is this: It's not 1 week apart that I am concerned with Wendy(that's her actual name), it's 28 days away for no apparent reason. Amy wants to leave with me, but is scared of not making her mother happy. Wendy and I are in a battle of tug-o-war with Amy and I don't think it is fair at all. Thing is, I don't know what to do, Do I let Wendy(the mother) win or do I keep asking Amy to tell her mom the truth and fix our flight dates. This situation is causing lots of problems with the relationship and we have been having a lot of fights. I love Amy very much and don't want her to ever loose contact with her family, but I also want her to choose if she wants to stay her family right now or make a new family with me. Is that fair to ask? I wasn't involved in the changing of flights at all, in fact I had no say in it what so ever, when I tried to speak up, her mom ranted about how immature and disrespectful I am. I was a little mad that Amy didn't stick up for me in front of her mom, it saddens me to think that her mother could ruin our beautiful relationship. What do I do, could anyone shed some light on the situation? Please. =P

Answer 1

The dad loves you because his ex, the mother hates you. I think you need to tell your fiance that you are going to be leaving on this date, and she's welcome to come with you or not. Then take the pressure off of her and leave her to make her own choices. Whatever the reason, the mother is controlling the daughter and if the daughter choose to allow that to happen, then you get a really good idea what your future is going to be like. You cannot force anyone to do anything, you can only handle yourself.

If I were you I would be taking a good hard look at these dynamics and reconsider a few things. Is this how you want your life to be? Are you perhaps too young to be thinking about marriage? Is your fiance too young to be making her own way in the world? Is someone trying to get the message through to you that this is a bad choice and you will deeply regret it?

Frankly a whole bunch of red flags would go up for me if a guy tried to make my daughters choose between me or him. That speaks of trying to control them, and perhaps that is what the mother is responding to. After living with you in her home for the summer, I imagine she's learned alot about you. Especially the fact that you would rather sleep in cat p**s than clean it up.

Answer 2

Amy should have taken up for you.  She's 21 and is old enough to make decisions on her own without her mother getting involved.  Let Amy know that you are not trying to come between her and her mother, but if she wants to be your wife things have to change.  She should be concentrating on wanting a family of her own with you instead of constantly trying to make her mother happy.  Also her mom needs to back off and let Amy live her life the way she chooses.

Answer 3

1.  Happiness comes from within.  You cannot make someone else happy.  The sooner your fiancee gets that the happier she will be.

2.  your future MIL is a control freak and she gets off on bullying her children to get her way.  Your fiancee lives in fear of her mother and is constantly trying to please her and win her approval.  This woman cannot be pleased and nothing your fiancee does will ever win her approval.

3.  your fiancee is still mommy's baby.  She's not ready to get married and be a wife.  DO NOT MARRY HER UNTIL SHE IS ABLE TO STAND UP TO MOMMY.  If you do the situation you are seeing will get worse after you are married and even worse again after you start having children.   If you want to risk a divorce and visiting your own children then marry Amy before she's a self supporting grown up.

4.  Your fiancee has to do this on her own.  You can't force her to do this otherwise you then become mama and eventually she will rebel against mama (you) and leave you.  

Encourage her to stand up to her mother.  Make it clear that you love her but you won't marry her until she's able to stand up to mama.  

Couple's counseling would be a good way to introduce this concept to her.

PS:  I take it mom and dad aren't married  (gee do you wonder why?).  Don't live in fear of her mother.  Stand up for yourself if your GF won't stand up for you.  And don't apologize for visiting her father.  He's going to be your in law too.  It's none of the woman's business if and when you and your fiancee visit with her father.  As long as either of you fear how this woman will react then she has you.  You are powerless.  You make her powerless by not caring if she cuts you off for displeasing her.  If you don't fear the result of you "defying" the hag then she can't control you.

also stop looking at this as Wendy winning and you losing.  This is your life, not a game.  

It could be that Amy isn't ready for marriage and still needs mama to tell her what to do.  

It could be she's picked someone who is just like mama in the hopes you will rescue her from mama, DON'T FALL FOR IT, IT'S A TRAP!  As I've already said, she will eventually rebel against the control freak, if you happen to be the control freak at the time she rebels,  then it's divorce city  for  you.

It could be that Amy is not the right woman for you.  You can love someone to bits and they still not be right for you.

Don't change the dates, leave when it's time for you to leave and let Amy decide if she's still a child or a grown woman.  Once you have clarity where she's at then you can decide how long or even if you will wait for her to grow up.

Answer 4

I would suggest you stay else where.  I do not think you, nor anyone should be subjected to sleep in a basement that smells of cat p**s.

In addition I hope you realize that your mother in law has had years of laying guilt on her daughter.  It's not easy for Amy to say no mom. Or to even disobey or question her mother.  I would take a stand and tell Amy that she has control over her own life.  That it's impossible for her to please her mother all of the time and boundaries need to be set.  Only after boundaries are set will you both be able to live life in peace.

If things are left as is your marriage is doomed to fail as you will not be marrying Amy but you will be marrying her mother as well.

Good Luck.    I

Answer 5

Looks like all this is brought on by you. Sorry, you gotta lump this one.

From the word get-go, you lay the ground rules. Be the MAN - make decisions, stick by it no matter what. It has to be a well thought out decision though.

You love Amy. Granted. You do not have to love Wendy. Agreed? You go along with it because of Amy. It is Amy who has to understand this situation and she should realize you are going through h**l for her sake. Otherwise, you are going to be in this mess life long.

Deepdown, Wendy is jealous of Amy. She can find someone like you, have all the fun, and she is afraid of losing her youth. Yes, it is the psychological analysis of the situation. Understand this predicament she is in. She is crying within herself and you are the root-cause of it all. So, she takes it out on you.

Solution? Move out. Take Amy with you. Tell Amy that she can talk to her mom and be in touch with her over the phone, but not you. This is it, your relationship stops right here with Wendy. You respect her alright, but you do not have to put up with nonsense from her.

Good luck. Get married to Amy and be happy.  

Answer 6

I do not envy your situation. You love this girl but she also loves her mom and will always try to make her happy ... as any normal person should feel. Most women are very close to their moms, asking her to choose will always cause fights and believe me that marriage and time will not make it better, only worse.

In my opinion, if she is not adult enough to deal with her mom in a positive way it means that her mom does not respect her as an adult ... which means that she is going to make this real hard on you. Think how much harder she can make it by manipulating your kids when you have them. Look at the big picture and make sure that your wife-to-be is mature enough to realize that although you are marrying into the family, there are only 2 people in the marriage that count when the chips are down. This attitude will prepare you for significantly larger challenges in life, the kind that come at you at 2am on a Sunday morning or in a doctor's office.

The alternative is to loose any pretension of control and submit to the dark side wholeheartedly. In other words, put her in place or know your place, then commit to acting accordingly. Just make sure that your wife-to-be is happy with the arrangement or it will come back to haunt you in unexpected ways.

If you want to live forever, get married to the wrong woman and you will feel that time stopped and the end will not come quick enough. Good luck.

Answer 7

If Amy is unable to stand up to her mother then this is my suggestion to you which will prove to be beneficial to you and Amy in the future.

Take charge.  Tell your mother-in-law in front of Amy how it is going to be.  Tell her right from the start; there we be no discussion about the decision.  Let her know that the two of you (you and Amy) have discussed the arrangements and you both have decided X.  Annouce it, don't discuss and follow through with it.   In the future she will not question you and/or your motives/decisions as head of the household  and it will help Amy learn to stand up to her mother.   Together you can be strong.

Go stay with the dad.  Who cares if the mother-in-law will flip.  What right does she have telling you who you can see or not see.  

Sounds like too many people have avoided this spoiled rotten woman just to escape the dreaded tantrums.  

Good luck.