Help, please? How does this poem sound?

Question

This is a poem I mad about a battered child. Feel free to throw in some comments (whether bad or good) and/or suggestions.

Despite the blissful smile you see on her face

Fragments of her bleeding heart still linger within

Memories she thought only time could erase

were still there, consuming her from under her skin

The pain she suffered only God really knows

For He has felt it too, the day of His death

How she wishes that she would die of his blows

So she would no longer feel what kills her every breath

She had lost faith that He could still save her

For she felt like the child the Lord has forgotten

and, of a rich man, the unwanted daughter

On his foot she helplessly lays, beaten. broken.

Yet here she stands, looking at me and smiling

As if nothing happened. no! no sign of regret.

She came closer, embraced me tightly saying,

I will never forget. I will never forget.

Answer 1

who did write this poem? he has some depth! i would like to meet him...

Answer 2

Rhyming by roll-of-tongue rather than line-to-line has always been my preference. Overall very nice though, you got some talent ^.^

Not sure if the Lord/He reference will help the focus of the poem. Steer that portion more toward a reference of the parent/guardian who did the battering. I'm not a poem buff though, I'm not as good as you so I'm not sure if my opinion helps much ^.^ but there ya go.

Answer 3

This is a good poem. It could do some revision. I usually write fantasy; however, I do occasionally, write poems. One thing that I have learned from writing is that it is helpful to develop meter. It helps the reader stay tuned to the writing.

"is this the face that launched a thousand ships" Dr. Faustus. The piece above is good to learn how people have used meter to their advantage. Now, not all poetry should be x's and y's and math. Personally, good is determined by the audience; however, I think it is also determined if you just spit it out. Something that is coming from your fingertips has an supernatural, better yet, mythodical providence. It is as if by writing, the soul is speaking. You are your best critic. In psychology: the patient knows his own solution; however, it takes a physiologist to retrieve it by asking him questions he knows the already knows the answer to. I think you know what needs to be done with your poem; however, It helps if someone else reads it. I say it is good. I like flowing poems. I would not read this otherwise. I hope I was of help. check my blog at http://thehowlingcrossroads.blogspot.com...

I have a few poems there.

Answer 4

it was good tells a sad story and need no work.GOOD JOB!

Answer 5

Hmmm I just recently read a poem so I am in the mood to rate yours.

5/5 Great word phrasing. Much better than what I can do. XD I'm assuming that you are into Christianity or some other group.  

Answer 6

I like it :D

Please read mine :D

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 7

I see where you are going, I think.  Maybe not though.   I am confused about something here,,,

"Fragments of her bleeding heart still linger within

Memories she thought only time could erase

were still there, consuming her from under her skin"

That quote from the opening does not jibe with this one from the closing,,,

"She came closer, embraced me tightly saying,

I will never forget. I will never forget. "

She wants to forget, is certain the passage of time will aid her in forgetting,,, then she proclaims she will never forget, twice, with a smile even ?  That just does not make sense to me.

Since this has a religous overtone, why not inject that in the opening lines ?   No beating around about it.  Grab my attention right from the start, make me want to see what you are talking about.

Despite the ( painted ) blissful smile (upon) her face,

fragments of her (battered,) bleeding heart linger still.

Memories she (once prayed ) time (would) erase,

still (burn deep), consuming her (soul) from within her.

It's a good basis, you need some editing to clarify a few places.

I'll look forward to seeing this again to see what you do with it.