Help, please. I need advice on dealing with my parents after my first child arrives!?

Question

I have a strained relationship with my parents. I am responsible for part of it, and my parents are responsible for some, especially my mom. She is passive aggressive and a pouter. My wife and I moved to an area closer to both our parents since we are having our first child. Since moving back, these issues have been coming out with my parents again.

Specifically, my wife is now late in her due date (supposed to be last Saturday) and my mom was supposed to be one of our "support" people at our birthing center. My mom called me today and told me that she was going to the beach next week with my sister, brother-in-law and my dad for 4 days because she thought "the baby would already be here" when they made plans. It is my estimation that she is doing this so we will "beg" her to stay and help us. I refuse to do that. So now I don't know what to do. Do I let her go and forget about reminding her that she is one of our support team, or do I ask her to stay and appease her childishness?

Answer 1

Hmm, sounds similar to what im went through too. My parents too act like they didnt care bout the arrival of our baby then. The best thing i did was to ignore them. I took it positively. Im not supposed to depend on them anyway. What if they are already dead? Am i supposed to dig up the grave and still ask them to help me out? U got to be independant here. Just imagine that u are all alone in this world. Try doing all things by yourself without asking for people's help. This way, u do not owe others anything and u can be proud that u did everything by yourself, on your own feet. Then u feel better.. Remember, parents can only help us to a certain extend. Dont take it to heart if they did what they did. They've taken care of u all their life. So, why not let them enjoy back their freedom and let them have their way. Anyway, you are already married, so, every responsibility should be on u. Dont depend on others.

Answer 2

You, your dad, and especially your mother are adults. So stop acting like children.

Get together with your mom before her vacation, and give it to her straight. Let the pouting be damned. Tell her that she IS (not "is supposed to be") part of the support team. She committed to a responsibility in welcoming her grandchild into this world, and she needs to follow-through with that commitment.

Don't threaten. Don't give ultimatums. Those more than anything shut women down, just like nagging and accusations do to men. Speak calmly but firmly; tell her you're disappointed in the way she has been acting toward you and your wife lately.

Nobody and everybody is at fault. But you're welcoming a new bundle of joy into the world and into your family! Do you want to introduce your son or daughter into a family who are so caught up in a PAST grudge that they can't even be responsible for the PRESENT and FUTURE?

So resolve what happened between you and your parents. Get your dad to sit in on it. Sit down together and talk it out. Don't just idly say "Um, Mom, we need to talk" in passing. Go over to your parents' house, get your mom and dad alone in a private room together, and say "Okay, so here it is..." It gets their attention without immediately alerting their defenses like when anyone hears those four impending words "We need to talk."

This is between you and your parents -- leave the wife out until this PRIVATE issue has been resolved. You aren't leaving her out -- you're protecting her, as well as committing to making better grandparents out of your parents.

Whether or not the issue is resolved privately, make an appointment with a family therapist for you and your parents together. A psychologist will have an unbiased opinion in the matter; he or she will NOT take sides; and the matter will be resolved once and for all, and if anyone tries to say otherwise, the therapist will have the paperwork with proof of the outcome.

Answer 3

Whatever her reason for doing this, I think it would be a mistake for her to miss out on such a miracle. Bringing a baby into the world is such a beautiful thing and no matter what the circumstances are between the two of you, those should be set aside for something as special the arrival of your little one.  Labor is so difficult and rewarding at the same time, your wife and you will need all the support you can get.  Not to mention, the help that you will more than likely need when the baby gets here! In my opinion, you just need to put aside all the prior drama and ask her to stay.  Now that you are having a little one it's the perfect time to let old stuff go and have his/her grandma involved.

Answer 4

Don't keep asking for help. A child is a gift from God and more precious to him than us. He'll send right people at the right time. But do pray for help. If u can afford have a nurse.

It is better if we take care of our children. When others take part they will also start to control our children and at some point of time u will realise the gap between u and ur child.

If u cannot put in the physical demands of child rearing, understand whatever you go thru is like an investment for bringing up ur child.

If u toil with ur child, they too will toil for u (when u r old)

Answer 5

if you think this is why she going out of town, then I would NOT remind her.  she is the one being childish, a grown woman that needs her son to baby her..  

you and you alone can be your wife's support team..

Answer 6

I would simply tell her that as a member of the support team it would be unfortunate if she decided to go, but that it is her decision and you and your wife will get by whatever she decides.

Put the ball in her court, but if she decides to go there really can't be any obvious resentment on your part, if your willing to be ok with that.