Help I Need some advice, before I go stark raving MAD!!

Question

I am married to a man that has an 18 year old son. He will very soon be 19! The problem is, my husband lets him get away with murder!! The kid does no wrong in his eyes!! First of all, my husband is still paying child support to his ex wife when his son has been living with us for the past 4 months. Next, this kid wont work, he may work 1 day a week if hes lucky otherwise, he goes whenever he feels like it. He brings his friends over to OUR house, they eat OUR food, and even has them spend the night whenever they have no where else to go. I have told my husband Over and Over again that this behavior has got to stop, and he just tells me to shut up. His son is on Our car insurance and also our phone. He is suppose to pay us $100.00 a month to cover his part of it. He only pays when HE CAN! And if he cant, we end up paying his part. Just recently, he took off and went out of town. He called and said that his vehicle broke down and couldnt make it back. We have free towing up to 100 miles, so my husband told him to call the insurance company and get back to our town. He stated that he didnt want to come back yet and that he was just gonna "HANG" out for a couple of days longer. (He is suppose to be at work, but just screwed that off also) Now my husband cannot get a hold of him. He wont answer his phone or call back when my husband leaves him messages. I told my husband that we need to give him some consequences. I suggested that we stop his insurance (after the vehicle gets back here) and make him pay his own. Also, I suggested stopping his phone service. (And again, making him pay his own) My husband will hear nothing of this!! He says if I do this, he will just go down and put him back on. What do I do?? I am about ready to pull my hair out! My husband and I have been married over 10 years. This is only 1 part of what I have had to deal with in this time. I love my husband very much, but I cant go on living like this. Any suggestions would be helpful!!

Answer 1

o.k. i had a family member go through something similar awhile back. The husband would not listen, felt it was "their" child, and decisions. try this: find the total price of that vacation, trip, car, whatever you guys have been dreaming about/saving for. then, add up the monthly cost of this child being so irresponsible..per month... per year. then, present this to husband....that if child took responsibility for self...you could afford that vacation in 6 mos., or whatever. it worked for my family member, maybe it will work for you.

Answer 2

If your husband is paying all the bills, including yours, then you should shut up.

Answer 3

I would move out. Your husband is just helping make his son who he is, a complete loser. My husband had a freeloading sister but luckily he listened to me and cut her off.

Answer 4

You "love" a man who tells you to shut up? Doesnt care about what you want, need or your feelings? Lets his son abuse your home and disrespect you?

The problem is NOT the son, its your husband. You are an abused wife.  WHAT do you get our of this marriage? Apparently nothing, you get to run a hotel for his son, your husband doesnt care about you, obviously doesnt love you or give a d**n about how you feel.

Loving someone is about feeling appreciated, wanted, cared about, supported, and feeling safe and secure in the relationship and in your OWN home.  

Forget the son's behavior, take a look at your own, get some counseling for self esteem issues, and try to understand why you are allowing this to be your life. You need to look after yourself, love yourself, respect yourself and if I were you I would be packing my bags and leaving.  

Answer 5

Tell him to stop trying to be popular and start being a dad. Being a dad means thinking about whats best for the boy five years down the line rather than just spoiling him now. There's little chance this boy will grow into a responsible man with a bright future if his father doesn't teach him responsibility, respect, and boundaries.

Also, he needs to stop the support to the mom if the boy doesn't live there. It's child support not alimony.

Answer 6

well since he is 18 years old, and an ADULT according to the law

you can push him out the door, and he can learn the meaning of TOUGH LOVE

you dont have to put up with him

and you have to talk to your husband about this

you have to tell him that the marriage may not work out if his son keeps doing this!

Answer 7

If your husband wants to spoil his son, there's nothing you can do about it. But just have everything single little thing down financially so you can split it 3 ways. And your husband can pay for his son's share of it. You go out and shop and spend as much money as you can and see how your husband can handle that.

Answer 8

I no you might not want to but leave your husband.

you don't have to divorce just seprate. when he gets the picture go back if you want.

Answer 9

It sounds like you're kind of jealous. Why not let him have that relationship with his son? He probably just wants him to feel like no matter what, my dad is here for me. And you sound like you want to put a stop to that. I wouldn't even try. Because he will definitely choose his child over you, not to sound rude.

Maybe his son isn't responding or coming home because he feels like you're trying to pull them apart. Maybe he's felt that way the entire 10 years of marriage. Did you consider that YOU might be the problem?

Added:

Isotope- Are you serious? You consider THIS a battered woman? Please?! She should have been woman enough to say something 10 years ago, THUS, she has a huge "problem" she'll never rid herself of until she

A) Stops being selfish and accepts that her husbands life may want to revolve around his children

or

B) Is selfish enough to leave.

I've heard of women being upset that a man isn't in a child's life, not that they are "too involved"

Answer 10

First of all, you need to sit down with your husband and lay down some ground rules about your relationship. If he can 't see that he is the one that is supposed to be handling this then you tell him you will handle it your way and will not care what he says. If this doesn't work, then give him an ultimatum; if he can't get this kid under control , then you are gone. I know you may love him and he may love you too, but if you don't do something quick, this kid is going to ruin your marriage, get into some trouble daddy can't get him out of, and then where will you be? If he doesn't want to listen to you and take charge of the situation, then tell him you will be leaving until all this is resolved. This sounds like a big mess, and the boy sounds like he is headed in the wrong direction. Give your husband this ultimatum now before this boy gets himself into jail or gets hurt real bad.  

Answer 11

Wow. Well first off your husband can't abandon his own son. I've seen it happen to my friend and he is now living on the streets. Tell your husband that you all need to come to a compromise. Maybe counseling wouldn't be a bad idea for the whole family. As for child support? That should've ended when he turned 18. I think you should go right to the source and talk to your stepson. Let him know you love him but he's hurting you and your husband and its time he grows up and starts taking responsibilty. You husband shouldn't baby him but I've seen that too. But he also can't just kick him out. He's afraid of losing his son. And he might if you both aren't careful. But if it bothers you that much then seek counseling. Otherwise blood is thicker than water.  

Answer 12

ask your husband if he loves you and if he loves his son. ask him what kind of life he wants for him and what kind of life he is creating for him. obviously he does not know what the real world is.  

Answer 13

You won't like my suggestion.  I suggest you move out.  The biggest mistake you made was marrying a man with children from a previous relationship.  His son's family was torn apart for whatever reason and now your husband is not showing any discipline because he feels guilty for not being there in the past, like he should have been.

You are a step-mother.  You are not this boy's mother.  You will lose everytime you try to fight your husband over his own child.  Nothing you can say, scream, throw or spit will change his mind, ever.  You are second in his life and always will be.  From this point on I would suggest either dealing with this situation, or leaving.  Because as I have already said, nothing you can say or do will ever change your husband's view as to who is his priority.

Good luck to you but next time, find a man with no children.  Otherwise you will be fighting a war you are always destined to lose.

Answer 14

I can see why you're frustrated. As an outsider, your husband is being completely disrespectful towards you. It's his responsability to be there and support his child, but what he's doing is obsurd. That child will never grow up and accept responsability and the consquences if he doesn't. I know you see this and are rightfully sick and tired of putting up with it.

Okay...here's the question you have to ask yourself, "Why do you put up with it?" I know you say you love him, but how can you truly love someone who completely disregards your feelings? It's one thing when a teenager is being disrespectful, but your husband needs to step up. me personally...if my husband did what you are experiencing, I'd put a plan in motion to seperate and when the time was right, I'd walk out. You've tried time and time again to settle this, but he doesn't want to hear you. You don't need to put up with it. As you well know marriage is hard work and alot of compromise, but it takes two. You've suggested very reasonable ideas to your husband....you obviously have a good head on your shoulders! We only live once and why live it feeling unappreciated or not heard. Maybe leaving the problem in your husband's hands and removing yourself from the situation will open his eyes. If not, then maybe it was a smart move.

This is just my opinion, but whatever choice you make...I wish you the best. Take care.

Answer 15

whoah! thats one kinda problem u really have to think about....hmmm....all i can say is be patient....your husband is trying to be a good father to his son....you can explain him that,hsi son will be even more irresponsible if he is not taught the right things at this age.Try finding a good movie with a "Spoilt son and a doting father" relation....tell him that , you love both of them,but want to make sure that his son can survive without your support...

If you are sharing the money for the bills on your part,you can stop contributing your part and ask your husband to pay the dues in full from his pocket.

Answer 16

k**e the spole *** hole *** i know how you feel i should something called disaplean with my friend the belt and get some order or you can talk to him or tell your huspand about sending your son in the army

Answer 17

have you considered corporal punishment?

Answer 18

Wow, good luck with that.  Sounds like your husband, though you love him very much, needs to grow a backbone and stand up to this kid, yep, at 19, he's a kid.

Without consequences for his action, this kid will go on thinking everything will always be handed to him on a silver platter.  

I could go on and on, but long story short, your husband needs to stick behind/with you.   Your marriage, sanity, and the kid will be much better in the long run if your husband "steps up to the plate"

Good luck