Help! I dont know what to do with my screaming Banchee!?

Question

How am I going to sum this up in 1000 words? My son will be 4 in September. My husband and I are at are wits end. Since he was born, he has been so fussy and impatient about EVERYTHING. Just different stages. If he can't get a toy to work properly...he throws it across the room. If you tell him no, he is on the floor throwing a fit. He hates doing anything on his own that isn't fun...big example:dressing himself or finding a lost toy. It turns into a big ordeal. And like I said, this has all been since a very young age. Not something sudden. Discipline doesn't seem to work AT ALL, just makes it more chaotic and the he could care less about the reward system. I will have to add an edit to give an example of this.

Answer 1

Wow, work it kid!

  First off, that gagging thing is a trick...ignore it and stick to your guns. Get him up earlier in the morning and give yourself time for the fights. He's smart, it's time he started acting it.  If a toy is thrown, it's yours. Put it away and KEEP IT AWAY till a reasonable amount of time has gone by without his little tantrums. Enforce your rules as quietly but firmly as possible. He has to learn how to deal with his anger in better ways than this. Give him different ways to show anger. If he's so smart, start teaching him to tell you how mad he is! My sons had to tell me phrases like, "I'm mad enough to spit nails!" or "Madder than an ol' wet hen!" (and tell me, who can say that at that age w/out laughing?). After they calmed down, they also drew me pictures of their "mad"...other ways to calm down can be the old count to ten routine, sit/lie down, or whatever you can think of....anything but throwing or fighting....

Answer 2

Discipline only works if it is used very consistently.

What I will say with our three year old son is that in addition to discipline, diet, sleep patterns and consistent routine have a huge effect on his behaviours.

Children have little biological tolerance to sugars.  They are a good thing to aggressively curb.

Consistent wake-up times, nap period (provided he still naps, nap should have a scheduled beginning and end) and bed times.

More sleep.

Once you've got that stuff down pat and you may already be doing it, set behavioural goals.  What is really important to you?

We chose zero tolerance to violent behaviors: hitting, biting, throwing things in anger, agressive name calling.

These behaviours get no warnings but rather instant time outs.

Next priority items: temper tantrums, obeidience

He gets a warning first with these items that explicitly states the consequences.

ie. Time out, Parent will do it for you, toy will be taken away, ect.

Then a count down 1 to 5 to allow time for compliance and rationalization of compliance.

Finally: co-operation... At 2-5 children are asserting their independence.  This is normal and very healthy.  

This is where we find we have to pick our battles.  This is were we reward with stickers, hand stamps, praise, treats,.. The reward has to be immediate but one of the good things about stickers and stamps is that you can show his sticker to others and explain what the reward was for reinforcing the good behaviour.

Co-operation is where parents need to get really creative.

eg,Tidy up games, toothbrushing with flashlights to check for alligators, getting dressed songs.

We find for co-operation it is best to use punishments only as a last resort.

Finally, don't be afraid to get professional help if nothing else seems to be working.  Books, doctors, councillors.  Sometimes there are medical issues contributing to behavioural patterns.

My brother in-law for example was diagnoised with diabetes at a very young age.  His mom couldn't believe how much nicer of a person he was once the diabetes was controlled.

I'm not suggesting your son has diabetes but there are lots of possible medical reasons that children can contribute to behavioural troubles.  It doesn't hurt to talk to a pediatrian.

Parents have the biggest hope for making a positive impact on a child when they are really young.

Answer 3

He is confused. are you sticking to one schedule?  Is someone hurting him and your not aware?  He is trying to communicate but seems unable to get the words out.  How is his vocabulary?  Maybe ask your doctor, he may have other problems.  If it helps boys are wild in their young age but they are a treasure in there teens.  I have 2 grown boys

Answer 4

have you thought he may have dyspraxia? look it up on google.

Answer 5

He is more like a confused personality

But he will improve as he grows up

I think this a politician type of personality

Answer 6

Another thought would be to look at sensory integration dysfunction.  The tantrums and difficulties with finding a reward systems that works reminds me of the children with sensory modulation problems.  Check out:

http://www.sensory-processing-disorder.c...

Answer 7

Because you state that your son has been "difficult" from infancy, he may have a physical or emotional problem related to touch, sound, etc.  Some children are just not wired for discipline and he may be one of them.  You may want to have your pediatrician refer you to a specialist who can evaluate him.  

However, there is also the possibility that you and your husband may have to change your parenting style. Discipline does work, but it is learned.  In your case, it may just take a lot longer or maybe you have no idea how to discipline a child and may have missed the mark.  Do not despair, just get yourself organized and thoroughly discuss a plan with your husband as childrearing is exhausting and should be shared.  You may have to work in "shifts", use signals for cues, but both of you must be consistent and never ever yield to a 4 year old.  At almost age 4 your son may think he rules the roost and you and your husband will have to change that around.  A loving home where parents are in control is what makes happy successful children.  You may have to rework your work schedule or practice on weekends to get your son accustomed to behaving and following your orders.  Your son is almost school age and will be expected to have certain behaviors in order to attend school.  You mentioned he doesn't like doing anything that is not "fun".  Even very young small children have to learn the benefit of discipline, being quiet, folloiwng rules, etc. although it is not play or fun.  You may want to incorporate games that actually teach good behavior.  Ex: "The Quiet Game", where your son stays quiet for 10 or 20 seconds.  He can learn to count and understand time using a timer while being quiet.  Or you can ask him to play another game incoporating putting things away ("Sweetie, how fast can we put these things away?") and play with him acting silly or running around.  You may also want to take him outside and let him run off is aggression chasing a ball or racing.  Tired children go to sleep early and expend a lot of their pent up energies in a positive way.  It is extremely hard exhaustive work.  Read up on the internet what other parents in your situation have done and explored as resolutions.  I had success with a 3 year old when he had to stop using his binkey/pacifier.  We talked with him for a few days about not using it.  Over a long holiday weekend when I had time to focus on this, he took his binkeys and threw them away.  We had a little celebration.  Two days later,  I had to ride in my car for 45 minutes with a screaming child but did not give in.  It was torture until he gave up and fell asleep.  

Another important tool is to evaulate your son's diet and eliminate sugar or any products with sugar (fructose, cereals, juices, etc.).  Keep your home calm and quiet if possible, limiting television and films that have "a lot going on" in terms of noise, explosions, gun fights, etc.  That makes a big difference particularly with a difficult child learning how to behave.  Create a time out spot when he misbehaves. And you may have to keep a pad or helmet handy for your son when he decides to have tantrums to keep him safe.  Let him have them in safe place and act as if nothing has happened when he is finished.  Do not react because there may be the possibility that he will do whatever he can to get your attention and his own way.  If it helps you at all, my oldest was a sweet, wonderful delightful child -- until she turned 14.  I actually considered an exorcism until I talked with other mothers of teenagers who convinced me she was normal.

Answer 8

Maybe an underlying cause either physical or mental- I'm not be horrible- but has autism etc been ruled out. Maybe counciling would help? Have you tried just ignoring the bad behaviour and rewarding the good? Reward charts with stars perhaps? Be sure to try stay calm yourself when dealing with the situation- they are triggered by your emotions. All toddlers are emotional inderpendant little people but if its extreme and constant outside help might be benifical.... good luck, hope it passes soon

Answer 9

I have a 4 year old that has been a lot like this.

You have GOT to do a few things to stop this NOW.

For us a schedule is VERY important. I mean bed time is at 9pm. If she gets out of bed for ANYTHING..(excuses don't work with me, we went potty, we have had food and drink, there are no more needs except for sleep)...she knows that she will get a swat on the hiney and then be placed back in her bed without me saying anything or arguing with her.

2) We still have a down time EVERY DAY for 1 hour where she must stay on her bed and just chill out. No movie, no toys. We do allow her to take 3-4 books to bed with her to "read".

3) I am not there to be her personal servant. I tell her to pick up her toys and I also set a timer. If she does not pick up her toys in that time then I come behind her with a trash bag and they then become my toys for a period of time. She does not get them back until I want her to have them.

4) She is a nudist at heart I believe. I have taken her to the babysitter with only her panties on because she was being ugly about not wanting to wear a certain outfit (i.e. playclothes versus a very dressy dress.) I ONLY took the clothes that I wanted her to wear that day along with us and I instructed the babysitter to NOT dress the child. She was to do this herself.

You two must tell the child what you want done. How long they have to do it and then the consequence. When they do not do what you have instructed then you HAVE GOT TO FOLLOW THRU with the consequence.

I have a rule that she will get an additional minute for any times that she yells at me. That is being rude and in my opinion it is her way of telling me that she is in control of the situation.

Life will be h**l for a while but you must be consistant and you must let your child know that this behavior is not acceptable and that they are not in charge. YOU are the PARENT.

It needs to be a swift change and it needs to cover ALL areas of the kids life. If you tell them to step to the right 3 steps then you need to follow thru that they do this or there are consequences. Of course you will lighten up a lot once they get the idea that they are not in charge any more.

Best of luck. Be strong, Be united. You can do this.

It is what is best for your child. It sucks that we have to be the "bad guy" sometimes but if you do not get this under control now then you will have a child that nobody will be able to handle and nobody will want to be around, including you. Please  do not let it get to that point. You only have a few more years before their habits are set for life. Make the best of these next few years.

Answer 10

I'm not a mom, but I definitely think you should tell him what he did wrong and spank him (I definitely DON"T mean beating, I mean like 3 pops on his behind maybe) for it and let him sit in a room with the door closed so he can't come out for a little while. Also, how much attention does he get?  But you should definitely explain why he is being punished.

Answer 11

I think I would be looking into an allergy causing behavior issues if I were you. My daughter and niece are both allergic to Milk Protein. They don't get upset tummies from milk and dairy (like if it were a lactose issue), but within 15 mins of having it they threw themselves on the floor kicking and screaming. Once my sis in law and I took them off milk at ages 2-3, no more screaming and tantrums - they are little angels! My daughter is 13 now, hers is going to be 3 (been off dairy for 4 mos).

If I were you, I would take him in and request extensive allergy testing. I have seen video of kids allergic to pine trees and other things that had the same problem as my daughter - it was all behavioral. When my daughter wasn't just given dairy, she was grouchy and irritable all the time, my niece too. Very moody. All of that stopped when we figured out the allergen by doing an elimination diet. It could be wheat, wheat gluten, eggs, dairy, a food additive, a plant, a tree, etc... I would check it out - easiest thing in the world to fix!

It sounds to me (your description) that he really cannot control this behavior - no child WANTS to act like this and be this defiant at his age. Something is wrong and you have to get to the bottom of it - call the dr. Start with allergies and do elimination diet (take 1 food away only, for 2-3 weeks, then try the next.). Good Luck!