Help! I had my 18 month old son in a family-run daycare that teaches kids to hit each other. ?

Question

The daycare is run by my sister and brother-in-law. I found out that he tells the children that when someone hits or pinches, that you can hit and pinch them back. Or when someone takes your toy, "you have to go get it back". He says it teaches them NOT to hit and it teaches them to stand up for themselves.

I don't agree with this way of teaching children AT ALL. I haven't had a sit-down discussion with them about this because I need some advice from everyone reading this on what to say. Please give me good information, not just an emotional outburst. I need to give them a good arguement with facts and details of how this way of teaching children is inappropriate and dangerous. P.S no, my son no longer attends daycare there. Thank you everyone who answers. This has weighed HEAVY on my mind and spirit.

Answer 1

Children need to learn to stand up for themselves, in a non-violent way.  As a parent who wants to teach your children to solve problems without resorting to violence, you cannot have your child in the care of people who are teaching them to solve problems using violence.  If they are telling the child to hit back, how on earth is that "teaching them NOT to hit"????  That makes absolutely no sense.  Standing up for yourself does not mean hitting and pinching.  Children need to learn to solve problems without aggression.  

What are they going to do when a child does hit back, and the cycle continues?  How are they going to solve the problem of young children actually getting into a fight while in their care?  A fight that they encouraged - how do you explain that to parents?  And you can't discipline them for it, because you told them to do it.

Just as advice for your next daycare - ask about discipline methods, philosophies, etc. before you enrol your child.

Answer 2

Here's a script you can try:

There are different ways to teach children how to stand up for themselves.

The first is your (your sister and brother-in-law) way, but it teaches agressiveness too, which while it may suit your immediate concern, and you see it work for you in how you can comfortably run your playgroup to your liking, in the long run it can really cause more harm than good.  You are deliberately giving the kids in your care skills that may be o.k.  behavior (not really, but in their eyes it is) for a toddler, but  this is a lifetime skill that they will not outgrow. This agressiveness skill that you are teaching them will carry with them as they grow, and will get more harmful and detrimental when "just hitting etc.( normal toddler behavior) doesn't work for them to get their message across they will turn to even more agressive (and violent) behavior , because the skill of "that's the way to deal with life" that you teach them now will be ingrained in their system."

that's the argumentive point of view that you can present, and then go on to explain to her how you would alternatively discipline the kids so that they learn to stand up for themselves.

(my mind is too disorganized right now for me to detail that to you, but I'm sure you have your own ideas)

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Answer 3

Good for you in getting your son out of there.  I agree that kids need to learn how to stand up for themselves, but teaching them that the most effective way to do this is by force is a recipe for disaster.  

There are several studies out there that show that early exposure to violence leads to aggressive and violent behaviors later in life.  

For your review and to show your sister I've provided links to articles:

This one shows that even watching it on tv can up the risk:   http://www.apa.org/releases/media_violen...

This one shows that parental violence can up the risk:

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2...

This one is great and explains how a child can learn to become violent: http://actagainstviolence.apa.org/materi...

Good luck!

Answer 4

you do not hit it is wrong and you want to be a good little one and share if you hit you will get a time out in the corner no more than five min though at a time and show him how nice it is to share sorry about the daycare they need to be shut down

Answer 5

His reasoning isn't necessarily wrong, so it isn't necessarily inappropriate to teach kids that. However, most schools don't allow students to take matters into their own hands like this anymore, so they will find themselves in trouble most times should they do this as they get older.

Bottom line, though, is that they should have thoroughly explained their methods, their policies, before accepting any child into their day care so that the parents could judge beforehand whether they wished to enroll their children. Since you pulled your son out of it, then that should be that as far as anything is concerned. You don't need to make any argument for or against their methods since you aren't a part of it anymore. Debating the issue at this point would constitute pettiness on your behalf.

Answer 6

I agree with you that it's wrong.  I'm not sure it will be easy to sway your sister and brother-in-law's opinion no to mention change their actions.  Maybe suggest alternatives to them.  If a child hits or pinches my children, I tell them to walk away no matter what. To come and tell an adult.  When someone has a toy we want, we take turns and share.  They could even wet a timer that goes off every few minutes for children to switch toys.  You should definitely tell other parents that may be unaware.  I'm sure that will be hard because it is your sister.  Good luck

Answer 7

       If your son was continually being bullied in daycare, wouldn't you want him to be able to stand up for himself?

      It is wrong for your brother-in-law to directly let the kids hit one another though. My parents have run a day care in my house for nine years and if one child is a continuouse problem and another kid hits them or screams at them she will address it and almost be in favor of the one that hit or screamed because that child is letting the problem one know that their behavior is not okay.

      If I were you though I would change daycares. He's only 18 months and doesn't know better if he takes a toy froim another child and he still has to understand that it is bad behavior to hit someone.  

Answer 8

Fighting is part of being a child and in life you might not fight with your fists but in other ways (you wish to be assertive with your sister and brother in law)

Teach your children how to fight, when to fight and when not to fight. Many peopel who learn martial arts almost never fight, because that is part of the normal training.

Other people are taught to be violent at martial arts and fight everyone.

Answer 9

Hitting is very wrong, they are teaching the children to hit when they become angry, How wrong is that.

You need to report this, seriously, some parents may not know this, If they allow the children to hit, I bet they hit the children. I am glad you did the right thing by taking your child out of there. but, you do need to do something about this or you will be allowing it to happen to the others who are unfortunately left there. Think about how grateful the other parents would feel when they found out about this, imagine you not knowing and some other parent didn't let you or the authorities know. Do the right thing. There maybe other things going on that you are not aware of.

Answer 10

you need to confront your sister and tell her its insane.  she is breeding abusive kids!  and if her kids are going to behave that way then they cannot be around yours.

she's going to be in for a shock when her kids get to school and get suspended or expelled.

if there are other families involved, you need to let those parents know as well, they wouldnt want their kids in that environment.

Answer 11

This is an absolute "no-no" and should be addressed fairly quickly. You did the right thing by taking your child out and an even more nobel thing for considering confronting them for the sake of other children in care.

You can try using this approach. Children are supposed to be brought up in a nurturing and predictable environment. Hitting each other and taking back a toy is aggressive and therefore not nurturing.  You could offer positive solutions like, when one child hits another, you should let the one who hit know that they have hurt their friend and the child who hit should apologize. Adults should always intervene when physical harm is being done, especially in a child care setting. As far as sharing, suggest that the child who had the toy taken away go to an adult for rectification. The adult could then have the victim request the toy back with a promise of when they are done they will give it to the perpetrator. All adults involved should take some type of class on proper discipline. They are helping to raise wild animals who will lack trust in adults! Offer tons of resource material (you can get it on line) about these subjects and if all else fails, call the child care counsel. This is a horrible example of a parents worse fear in the child care environment and people like these, (sorry for being rude about your family) should not be in this profession. Sounds like they do not posess the patience to teach problem solving skills to children who are going to need this throughout life. Maybe other parents who have children there should know of this. You have a duty to protect these kids. It's just a moral code. I understand your faithfulness to your family, but wrong is wrong.

Answer 12

its good your son's no longer there. you should sit down with your sister and explain to her that if they're teaching kids that kind of stuff at that age, they could grow up and do who knows what because they grew up being taught that it was ok. you should also tell her to stop teaching them to hit each other, but how to stand up for themselves without being violent, like working the problem out by talking about it. if you don't give her an example of how these kids SHOULD be standing up for themselves, she may misunderstand you and think your trying to tell her something else. I hope it works out :)