Help! I need this for acceptance into a great college and I cannot make this flow!

Question

Please! Give me feedback. Anything! I will take it if its good. :( I cannot make this flow or sound inspiring at all! Thanks!

An experience that has changed my perspective on the world entirely is owed to my family and friends with disabilities. I have a friend, an aunt and uncle (step) who are paralyzed from the waist down and live in wheel chairs for three entirely different reasons. They are my heroes.

There have been times when I had to care for or help out my friends and family in these positions. I would assist them with things such as cleaning and help them with what a healthy person might consider a “little thing.” I began to see the world from their eyes after only a couple of days while helping them. They had difficulties doing the smallest of tasks like putting on a pair of socks and shoes or washing the floor…little things that people whom are not disabled might take for granted on a daily basis.

I began noticing that there are not very many handicap ramps at some of my favorite restaurants and stores. I found out that if my aunt and uncle want to go out to dinner together for Valentines Day or anniversary, they would have to telephone in advance and ask about handicap accessibility into the establishment in which they chose to dine. I began looking at street corners to see if there were handicap ramps available for those who need them. I have gained a level of consciousness because of knowing these phenomenal people. I see their struggles often and I commend them for their superior strength. They all carry with them a positive attitude of can-do and do not accept pity from anyone easily. I see them and think to myself often how difficult it must be for them and they show me that it is simply a way of life for them, a thing that cannot be changed…and they embrace it.

I feel that this experience that I have gained is an asset to any establishment being that I am always there to lend a hand to a person in need. I will rarely turn down someone in need of assistance and I understand what they have to go through daily.

Answer 1

Alright well I'm not going to revise this for you, but let's get things started in the right direction. Everyone starts off the answer the same way "An experience.....etc." Diversify yourself, make your essay sound different. Try this, "Many things have shaped and sculpted my life, but none more than my family who has given new perspective on how to view and treat those around me." This opening topic sentence here will grab some attention and ask why is shaped into a new person? Then go into why you are the way you are. Explain why the family has given a new perspective. Dont' forgot to answer the question, why does this add to the diversity of the university. Lastly, Michigan is a tough school, if you want send me a revised copy and I'll check for grammer. Big name schools don't like to read through the BS grammer to get to the point. Trust me I'm in law school right now and they hate that c**p. Hope this somewhat helps.  

Answer 2

Vary your sentences. You have too many sentences beginning with "I."

This is an excellent choice for a topic, but you need to use conjunctions to make your writing less choppy.  

Answer 3

Also, eliminate the elipsis and parenthesis. It will make your essay a little more professional.