Help! Is this too tacky or rude?

Question

My reception venue is too small to accommodate everyone I would like to invite, namely my church members. Is it tacky to invite them to the ceremony only, which is at the church, then have just hors d'oeuvres & punch at church prior to everyone else going to the reception?

Answer 1

I think you should invite only the people to the wedding that you want at the reception.  

Answer 2

its up to you but normaly unless your not close to them you invite them to all of it if you do that not d'oeuvres and punch at least champane and d'oeuvres

Answer 3

I understand your quandry! I think the best option is to only invite the number of guests to the ceremony that you can accomodate at the reception venue, and to explain to other people if they ask why they weren't invited (which is also rude and tacky btw), that you are having a smaller, family centered wedding because the reception venue couldn't possibly accomodate all the people that you love and are loved by. But, here are a few possible solutions, all of which I've seen work well...

-so as to include everyone at a large church and family as well, my friend had a big party the night before, kind of a pre-wedding reception. Then after they were married at the church, they had hors doevres and cakes for everyone. This works especially well if you are having an afternoon wedding

- the hors doevres reception at the church sounds like a nice idea, and followed by a few sweet hors doerves, it wouldn't feel incomplete or rude. If you decide to do this, I recommend that you schedule the reception for several hours later, take photos in between or whatever, but just so it doesn't feel like you're running out on your own 'reception'.

Congrats  

Answer 4

Yes, it is rude.  You won't be able to keep it a "secret" that everyone else is going to a bigger reception and that they were not invited.  You will end up hurting the feelings of the people not invited to the reception and looking rude even to the people who are invited.  It would be better to find a bigger hall or to not invite them at all rather than only inviting them to half.

Answer 5

It is tacky and rude.  Please keep in mind that the wedding ceremony is generally open to any members of the church that wish to attend.  You don't really need to invite all the church members directly unless they are very close to you personally.  

It's very common in our church for the members who have known the couple for a long time, but may not be close to them, to show up for the ceremony itself to witness the vows.  If you had punch and snacks available after the ceremony for everyone including those folks as a courtesy, then that would be fine, but there is no need to invite them to the wedding if you don't have room for them at the reception.

Best wishes!!!!!!

Answer 6

Well since so many people chimed in and said this was "tacky and rude" I will say that I have no problem with this at all! I think that as long as there is a good time spread between the church reception and dinner reception later, it will be fine.

Give the church reception enough time to make it around and thank everyone for coming, mingle time I guess you would call it...and then an hour or so later go to the dinner reception. Just make the invitations very clear for those who are only invited to one and not the other.

I think people will be understanding about this. It is becoming more common to do things like this with weddings because the cost of planning an event such as this is so huge these days.

Answer 7

Don't do that.  You will just make everyone feel uncomfortable and they will think less of you.

Answer 8

I have seen it done where 200 people were invited to the ceremony and 50 were invited to the reception.  No one was offended, no one got mad.  People enjoyed that they got to watch the ceremony.  I've seen this a couple times actually.  Techinically, unless you have a security guard at the front doors the wedding is open to anyone who walks into the church.

You don't have to invite every church member either and if you don't invite ANY of them, I'm sure they'd understand too.

Anyways, I don't see why you can't do this. I've seen it done a couple times and no one cared.  Inf act most were happier because they didn't feel obligated to get a gift (since they weren't at the reception) for someone they didn't know THAT well, AND they got to enjoy the best part of the day with everyone.

I know I'll get thumbs down for this by everyone but I don't care, you asked if I've seen it and I did.

by the way, the ones I've been to like this didn't even have a cake and punch reception.  they just  got married and those who were going, went to the reception, those who weren't went home.  So I think what you are doing is very nice

Answer 9

How would you feel if you were at a cake-and-punch "reception" and you overheard other guests talking about "not filling up on cake before the reception dinner" that you weren't invited to?

Wouldn't you feel like you were a second-class citizen?  There's no way that you will be able to keep the real reception a secret from those not invited to it, so your best bet would be to not invite your church members.

Answer 10

No just say you are only inviting family and very close friends. There is no possible way you will make everyone happy for your wedding. You need to think about you and your fiance first.  

Answer 11

I have actually been to a wedding where this happened, since the couple that were getting married were beloved staff at a church. The ceremony was huge, then they had a reception in the lobby for the members of the church and it was just family and close friends at the actual reception.

I find it totally acceptable to do so, just as long as it is done in a discreet manner.  

Answer 12

I think since you are having a small reception after that is fine and then the official reception can be more of a private after party  

Answer 13

chill, have the wedding and that at the church and then go to the reception and get ripped

Answer 14

Yes, it is very rude. Even though you are still offering something to everyone, it is still rude to have a second reception for the VIPs,. THere is no way to keep t secret, and people will be hurt that they were handed some snacks while other people wait for the "real" dinner reception. THere is no good way to do this. Either find a different venue or invite less people.

I know its tough but everyone has to deal with guest list issues at their wedding, it is your day but there are still rules of etiquette to follow. If you do this it will look like you are just looking for gifts or people to fill the church.

ADD: Being open about it is just as bad as making an attempt to hide it, its the same concept: you are inviting them to the cceremony, and then not inviting them to the fancy dinner after. It is inappropriate no matter how you approach it.

Answer 15

RUDE and TACKY

Answer 16

I really hate the word, "tacky". If they want you to get another venue, maybe they should pay for it for you!

I think that a champagne reception, sans alcohol(you can substitute sparkling apple cider) with a cake is perfectly fine, with a separate family reception a few hours later. However, you may have to explain to the invitees that it's a separate, more intimate affair for family and bridal party. Will you have a separate cake? It stops the argument over what flavors!

We're doing something similar. We're having a buffet reception for 40 around 3:00, a champagne toast at around 4:30-5:00, and our dinner for 16 around 9:00. I came up with separate wedding favors, little keys, with the time and restaurant written on them, to be given privately to those who are coming.

Do what you have to do. You're not snubbing anyone, and I'm sure that they understand. Maybe the church will allow a  few potluck items to be served at the church?

Answer 17

RUDE and TACKYYYYY

Answer 18

Very tacky and very rude. If you can't invite someone to one, don't invite them to the other. Make an "A" list and a "B" list - whoever is top priority goes in "A" and if they cancel out, start inviting people from the "B" list. Don't make your guests confused and feel awkward! Not fun for anyone.

Answer 19

When my pastor was married, she had a huge ceremony at the church.  Everyone came.  After the ceremony people were offered cake and appetizers.

She then had a small reception with family and friends.  It was perfectly acceptable.  No one was offended.

Oh - Congrats.  Its your day.  Enjoy it

Answer 20

A lot of people don't know this (I didn't before I got married) but generally church weddings are open to the public (church policy), so if they want to attend the ceremony they can.  You could ask for a special announcement to be printed in the bulletin, inviting the congregation to the ceremony and punch and hor d'oeuvres after. But, if you send them a formal invitation, it would be rude to exclude them from the reception.