Help Me With My Poem?

Question

Hey I was wondering if someone who has knowledge in poetry could critique my poem. I was going for a theme of determination. Tell me if you are able to critique. Also feel free to help out with new thoughts/words.

Best answer gets 10 points!!!

Thanks

My oxygen intake vanished as my hand grabbed the side of the slippery peak,

Desiccated air filled my lungs as I pushed my boots

Into the thick snow covering the icy side of the crevasse.

Thick white clouds vanished my team from my sight

Little steps at a time were an arduous effort requiring more oxygen then was inhaled.

Vertiginous sprawls of icy slopes surrounded the team,

Barbarous cold winds flew past my mask as I looked toward the dangling ropes near my feet.

Up high in the vista of primarily sky,

Flocks of puffy inflated cumulous clouds raced beneath the sun,

Imprinting the gradient with a surreal matrix of shadow and blinding light.

Coiled with a nimbus of gale-born condensation was the summit close above.

My cerebral blood vassals were starving for blood,

Slowly my motor and mental skills were deteriorating as I continued the trudge.

Unlike the thick, rich, and voluptuously drenched oxygen filled air at base camp,

The air near the summit of the mountain was clearly taking a toll to my body.

Soon my subconscious mind was telling me I had to stop,

Eventually I was unable to feel my lower left side of my body.

Inside my mind I told myself that I couldn’t give up now

I had toiled so tough for weeks to arrive at the summit.

Why? Why must body give out now?

I stood still, giving enough time for my lungs to recuperate their oxygen ingestion,

Finally I persuaded my psyche to trudge on and struggle my way up the peak.

My determination to make it to the top was the only element which kept me progressing.

I apprehended that if I could obstruct thoughts and pains of my body

And only focus on taking one more step, I would reach the summit.

Shortly after, my two numb feet stepped into the crunchy snow on the peak of the mountain,

One foot in China and the other in Nepal.

I stared at the spectacular sight that I had been dreaming about in my sleep for years.

I was filled with joy but could barley summon the energy to care.

The willpower which took place only hours passed had facilitated the feeling to be on the top of the world.

Answer 1

I get your point in the poem, however it seems at times that your word choices are taken from a thesaurus which has an impact on the flow and can be a bit distracting....it's alittle too wordy for my taste but you are definately a very descriptive writer....National Geographic would hire you for sure!

Answer 2

It is just to long and it is not compelling enough to stick with.  Edit yourself a bit.  Narrow in on your objective and then execute.  

Scanning this I see a lot of big words, big words do not make the poem clever, they make it annoying.  Think of your favorite song, or favorite band/bands would they ever use a word like Vertiginous (I don't even know what it means, what is more I don't feel compelled to look it up).  They never use those words, but we find that they produce incredible poetry.  

I am convinced that real genius is writing a poem with small words.  

Answer 3

Why don't you just write this:

when the moon shines bright and the earth is so still and the cold december nights still gives me the chills i go under the covers and i cry myself to sleep for i know that the birds songs will awaken me if you don't like it or it won't work go to www.superpoems.com for more information they list poem ideas famos people poems and also 3 easy steps to write a poem