Help! My relatives/friends are always asking me money!?

Question

here's the story:

I'm engaged to a kano and we are planning to get married anytime as soon as I get my visa. I hope everything goes well for us. :)

The bad things are:

* Why do people think I have a lot of money? My co-workers, when they found out that I have a kano fiance they always tell me "hey libre ka naman dyan, mayaman ka naman diba?" (hey why don't you treat us out since you are rich right?)

* I have a friendster account so my fiance and me are the main profile picture, I always get a message like this from my 'friends' and 'ex-coworkers' "wow, siguro di mo na kailagan magwork kasi mayaman ka naman na at may sustento, libre mo naman kami" (wow maybe you dont work anymore because you have a monthly allowance, treat us out")

edit: I resigned from work about a year ago because I had an open heart surgery and needed a lot of time to recover. All of the bills were taken care by my mom.

* then when i asked them if they can join me sometimes and hang around with me. They always tell me "sure pero libre mo kami ha" (sure, but you get to treat us ok?" )

Why are they acting like that? My fiance is far from being rich and he is working his *** off to make ends meet. Just because he is a kano, it doesn't make me rich.

I feel like I can't be with someone else right now without telling me to treat them. Sometimes I go out alone and didn't bother to call them. I feel like I don't have a real friends anymore and they don't want to be with me If i don't treat them.

I can't invite them now because I'll always hear "libre mo kami" (treat us out) I did it once.. and now they expect me to do it over and over again. Even some of my relatives expect that I have more money and that I won the lottery. It's freaking me out sometimes!

* then one time while i was still working. We had a farewell party because we got assigned to a different team. After the dinner, some of them told me "kaya na ni Melissa yan" (Melissa can pay that) I know they were joking but i didn't feel right.

How can I tell them that we're not made of gold? Should i just brush them off? Now, when i want to do strolling... I just do it alone. I don't tell them anymore. When I say "no, i don't have money so i cant treat you" they say "oh you are being cheap"

This is totally frustrating.

Answer 1

Poor thing. I'm an Singaporean chinese and I have a filipino girlfriend.

Yes if you are foreigners, most filipinos expects you to be rich. I really do not understand why. They do expect us to pay for everything, asking for pasalubongs.

Well, I always tell my girl not to send so much, I scrutinised what she sent and for what reason. I know she has to send but I make sure she do not get used.

Its true that true friends will not say this kind of things to you. Even if I go out with my buddy who is so far richer then me, I also paid for him sometimes. He can afford a brand new BMW and I don't even own a car. I never expect him to pay for me and I definetly do not ask him for a treat.

Well my girl she goes back once in a while, I think giving a treat is of no concern but as long she don't overspend.

Well your friends are really so unfeeling. It embarrased you and give you stress just because you have a kano fiance.

I suggest to you just be frank to them. You won't be able to put them off without offending them. If they are your true friends they will understand. Just mention that last time was your treat, why not this time our outing lets go DUTCH. Or say how about its your treat this time? Then they will know the idea then you don't like the idea of you being made use of.

Well when I'm in the philippines two weeks from now, we can be text mates and share ideas and information since we both have foreigners half. Your fiance is American and my fiance is Filipino.

Lets just hope you really have true friends around you.

Good Luck!  

Answer 2

huwag mo bigyan, sbhin mo na namimihasa na cla, kya pla poor ang country ntin, dhil sa iba asa ng asa, no offense

Answer 3

I truly understand where you are coming from. I am not married but somehow the predicament of being married to a foreigner and working abroad are somehow the same. Every time I come back to the Philippines for a break, most of my family and friends are lining up as if I have won the grand prize for the lottery.

Like the rest has recommended, try to learn to say NO and set your priorities. I don't think that those you described are actually your friends. Try to focus on yourself and your future husband. You wouldn't be living with your relatives and your friends anyway. Focus on the family you and your husband will build.

People usually treat you that way out of ignorance and envy. They would usually think that others revelation would be working for them too. You have created your own revelation...maintain it, embrace it, and improve on it. Those are the things you would need to worry about...nothing else.

---

To Aref : HAHAHAHAHA....I thought you suggested to take the relative to a darker corner where no one will see then beat them up!=P

Cheers to you Pare...I hope you have/had enough drinks in Saudi in your birthday!=D

Answer 4

I've never been in your shoes because I don't even have a partner yet (lol) but maybe the best advice I can give you is to already establish a reputation now. Learn to say no and don't look like you'll get carried away easily by pity for your relatives and friends. We're all here on earth to work for our food so they can't expect you to provide for them just because you have a foreign boyfriend. If you are already known as someone who gives in easily to "peer pressure" or someone who gets flattered easily by such praises (like, hey, you got an American as a bf...you are so lucky) then the more your friends and family will abuse you! So...you can't be known for that.

Learn to say no. If they get mad at you for saying no sometimes then they are nothing but immature babies (lol, considering they are your parents and peers). Who knows? They will even give you more respect for knowing how to handle "peer pressure" and to being disciplined.

But of course, a little treat to your friends/famliy somewhere sometimes won't be so bad. Just teach them and yourself how to control. :)

Good luck and...congratulations and best wishes in advance to you and your fiance! :D

Answer 5

Welcome to my world melissa, I have they same experienced as you, thanks God I'm over with it, I learned to say "NO" you should learn that also, they are not your true friend, now I have no friend except my husband.  As for my rela(thieves)tives, they are still making tsismis about me, but I don't care, I am not affected anymore.

Maybe we can become friends lol.

Answer 6

It sounds like you've learned to say, "no."  This is good, because your future husband's ability to tolerate this kind of thing is likely to be very low.  Most divorces between Filipinos and Americans are caused by this demand for money from family members and friends.

Answer 7

Since you refer to your fiance as "kano" is it ok if he calls you his "flip"?

Answer 8

Keep saying NO and firmly all the time. Don't let your relatives and friends bleed you dry.

If they are really your friends, then money shouldn't be an issue. Life is so hard sa PI, people resort to begging or sucking balikbayans dry. Expect some to be offended, pinoys are generally too sensitive, but its better you be frank with them, rather than find yourself broke all the time.

But if its your parents and siblings, it'll be all the more tricky, the "utang na loob" factor may even come into play. So talk to your parents, open the subject of money and your feelings. They should protect and support you from other feeders.

If you'll let this go on, it will break your marriage apart.  

Answer 9

My wife and I get the same when we visit the province but in Manila its not that bad. In Manila they know if we can help we will but if they ask then 'wala pera' (no money). Treats are always expected. Its amazing sometimes how many want to go shopping with us "to provide protection"

Learn to say NO and mean it. Filipino's really believe that every foreigner has bottom less pockets. This can probably be blamed on the movies as they often depict a distorted picture of real life.

Answer 10

dear, we're on the same page and i don't really know now who's my real friends kasi everybody needs a treat all day long. its hard.

Answer 11

I have this Cloak of Invisibility, if you are interested.

Sometimes, this Harry Potter guy borrows it from me.

Added Later:

I have a great idea.  Just came to me.  Why not for every relative of yours who comes with this line, in jest or not, have a ready line yourself.   Gently guide them by the arm to a secluded spot, and very seriously tell them you're in dire need of help, and with no money even for a decent meal, and ask earnestly for money to tide you over!   That would not only get them to think twice before adopting this attitude with you, but get you a free meal!

Answer 12

Welcome to my world.  I am American and my wife is Filipina.  We face the exact same problems.  We learn to say NO.  Those people who only want something are not your friends.  They are bloodsuckers.  Let them call you cheap or tight or whatever because if you don't or can't control it, your husband will make sure you do not handle the money.  Its a matter of self preservation.  Those family who expecting to have a share of your life will make stories about you and do everything they can to make you feel guilty.  You have to choose if you want to have a American husband or Filipino friends.  Its a sad choice but the greedy bloodsucker attitude of most Filipinos makes it that way. If you cannot control it your husband will grow tired of it and you will be back to where you started.  We support my wife's Mother completely and also give some money to certain people we care about when we can afford it.  Those people we help never ask for anything. As for the extended family, they can wish us well or go to h**l.  I know its difficult there but its also difficult to have money in US too.  Its not given to us we have to earn it and its not easy.  You just concentrate on being a good wife to your husband and I'm sure he will help your family to his best ability. You have to be always on his side on this matter.

Answer 13

There's nothing you can do to change this mentality. Philippines is mostly poor after all.

Look at it this way, at least now you will learn who your real friends are. I think it's time for you to move on and have a change in friends. Real friends will try their best to learn who you are and what your situation is and not assume too much about you.

...and yes, even family members would betray you...this goes the same all over the world.

Live your new life with a change of people who will really stand by you and what matters most and definitely that's not money and material things.

Even if it means turning your back to everything that seemed to matter. It's your life. Start living it.

Answer 14

tell them 2 get a job

Answer 15

you give because you have something  to give, but how about putting into mind this  song i heard from the catholic church

Panginoon!

Turuan mo akong maging bukas palad.

Turuan mo akong maglingkod sa iyo

na MAGBIGAY NG AYON SA NARARAPAT

na walang hinihintay mula sa iyo.

it is you who has the problem on self control

if you are really weak with this, how about always having in your presence something with the color green. Examples would be green gemstones,bracelets, green bags or shirt. No need to be fully in green, just a part would do.

Answer 16

I think you should learn to show the real score. Show them right here, right now. You're Melissa and the fortune you've got are definitely theirs. If they are real friends, they will not abuse you or make you frustrated in any way.

When I married my American husband, I literally go distance, in a place away from them, if they are true friends, they would visit me no matter how far I am.