Help!! Not sure what to do?

Question

My husband has known all his life that he was adopted, but recently he has found his birth mother.

His adoption was suppose to have been a closed adoption, though his adpotive parents had more information and hospital records regarding his birth mother than I've ever seen before.

Previously his adoptive mother made contact with her and she voiced that she did not want to be part of his life. Though she has kept in contact with his adoptive mother, providing her with a current e-mail account.

I guess my question is, how can I be supportive to him? I feel like I'm pushing the subject, but I'm not sure what to do or say for him.

Is it a good idea for him to contact her?? Shouldn't he be told from her that she doesn't want contact??

There was also somethings that were said to his birth mother from his adoptive mother about my husbands mental health as a child that I think were not ok for her to discuss that could have made her lean towards not talking to him..though they are untrue...

Answer 1

I believe adoptees run a risk any time they try to find their biological parents.  There's the risk of rejection, there's the risk that they're not alive anymore, that they have other families, there's so many scenarios you have to run through your head and sort out and be prepared for.  Most importantly, no matter what, he's got to be strong and you have to be strong for him.

Depending on the age of your husband, a closed adoption used to be the only type of adoptions there were.  Health departments now have a way that if BOTH the adopted child and birth parent write to the health department in the county/state the child was adopted from, they match the paperwork up and forward the requested information to both parties, along with a the necessary paperwork to have your file opened in the courthouse in which the adoption took place.

It's unfortunate that so many people assume that biological parents have a problem with money and that's their reason for giving their child up for adoption.  There are many reasons people give their children up...either way, it's better than having them pulled out from the carseat from the car their mother drove into the river, because she couldn't take care of her children anymore.  I think it takes more love to admit that they are incapable--for whatever reason--of raising their child and totally selfless of them to believe that their child would be better off raised by someone that can provide for them.

Answer 2

I love how another poster called his mother 'this woman'.  Too much!  Isn't that how Clinton referred to Monica Lewinsky?!

This is complex.  You might want to come to some online support groups/forums.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.com

Please read The Journey of the Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton and The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier.

Answer 3

Your husband's adoptive mother has told him this.  Why should he believe it blindly?  Maybe what she said was misinterpreted, based on his adoptive mother's hopes.  Even if it is true, he deserves to hear it from his natural mother's lips directly.  That's the first step.  Take it from there.

Answer 4

I agree with JustAnot...  But would like to add:  Maybe if your husband makes a list of questions that he would ask if given the opportunity, and then decide if he would like contact.  Possible medical information will be important for your children.  What would you like to know?  

If my amom had kept secrets and had privileged contact without telling me, I'd be furious.  Make sure he realizes that there may be fall-out from that.

Answer 5

Your husband may just want some closeure to everything. I know I would want to meet my birth mother, wouldn't you? And his adoptive mother is probably just trying to protect him, or she is scared that he will leave her. This is a very tough situation, you need to just be there to support him. Let him do what he feels he should do. Good Luck!

Answer 6

This is a private family matter and none of us can know what is right for your family.

However, in my opinion this woman is not family and while I can understand his desire to contact her, I don't see how it will benefit him. She obviously doesn't want to be a part of his life and this will only hurt him.

Also, you have to remember that it was supposed to be a closed adoption, according to what you said. This means that she didn't want to be found. I know why you say that he deserves to hear it from her and I agree accept that she kind of made it clear by choosing a closed adoption and her privacy had been violated. I don't feel sorry for her and I understand where you are coming from, I do. But contacting someone you know doesn't want to hear you is asking for heartbreak.

I would support your husband in anyway you can, but I would not encourage him to contact her. You risk him blaming you when it doesn't go well and you have every reason to suspect that it won't.

Answer 7

Your hubby had no control over what happened to him during the adoption.  Let him take control now.  Let him follow his heart and just be there for him without pressure or judgement.  Just be there and be supportive, whatever happens

And bear in mind what starts out as a 'closed adoption' does not mean people do not change over time.  Decisions made years ago can change dramatically - would you want to be held to decisions you made decades ago?  I know I wouldn't

Answer 8

I think the best thing that you could do is to tell him that you'll support any decision that he makes, then make sure you do.  Do bring up the topic unless he does, and if he does just be a good listener don't try to push your questions or advice.  Good for you for being so supportive!

Answer 9

Is he interested in contacting her?  

I wouldn't try to persuade him either way, just be supportive of whichever decision he makes.  

And, sometimes n-mothers have a change of heart; it took mine 10 years to come around.  His mother might not have worked through her own issues before, or had thought about telling anyone in her life now, but who knows if things may change?  The fact that she kept her contact info current speaks volumes.  If she really didn't care, she wouldn't have done that.

The best thing you can do is be a good listener, a strong shoulder, and a source of support for him.  But ultimately, the decisions will have to come from him.