Help!!?? The ex wife will not go away! ?

Question

I have been in a relationship now for 3 years. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter who is the love of our life. Before I met my other half he was previously married for 5-6 years. He got married when he was 17 years old. He did not have a child or any attachments from that marriage so I always assumed that I would never have to deal with her.

I was wrong. I do not have to deal with her one on one but she is still very much a part of his family(my family now). I started to become close with his sister b/c our daughters are only 3 months apart and we would always talk how we hoped that they would be close cousins. Every conversation I had with his sister she would never say anything nice about the ex wife but that she "still maintained a relationship with her and had room in her life for the both of us". I found out shortly after that everything I was telling her would be repeated straight to his ex wife or sometimes his mom. I made sure to cut ties with the sister quick, which is sad b/c that is my daughters only cousin. I have not talked to the sister in a year and it's very obvious that she doesn't want to talk to me.

My husbands ex wife now has a child of her own and a new spouse. I was hoping that she would go away once she had that child but I was wrong again She is still very much apart of his family lives because instead of inviting US to family gatherings/functions/outings they invite her. My husband and his ex got divorced for a reason and that was b/c they didn't want to be in each other lives anymore so WHY WOULD HIS FAMILY CONTINUE TO SOCIALIZE WITH HER when all they ever said was negative things about her? AND WHY DOES SHE STILL WANT TO BE IN HIS FAMILY'S LIFE IF SHE HAS A NEW ONE OF HER OWN NOW?

WE have distanced ourselves from his family because I think it is WRONG that they will not let go of his past/ex wife. I feel as though they our putting a strain on our relationship b/c it does cause fights between my husband and I. My husband has asked his family to cut ties with his ex but they said "you can't tell us who to be friends with". Who does this???

Am I being insecure or do I have a justified point? Can any one give me some new advice on how to deal with this situation.

Answer 1

I can't believe that the family would choose the ex-wife to come to family events and not their own granddaughter.  That would make me think all kinds of crazy stuff and I can understand and see how you would feel this way.  I'm sure at this point you have tried all kinds of ways of dealing with this.  I think I would have to make sure I was to "drop in" on one of thoes "family" events.  Just walk in all normal, say hello to everyone (including the sister in law) and them when you get to the mom or h**l the ex-wife say (all dumb founded like) "Oh I thought this was a "family" event what is the ex-wife doing here?"  Then when everyone just stands there looking at you stupidly say to the ex-wife "Oh I'm sorry I forgot you are unable to get a family and life of you own, I feel sorry for you.  Would you like to talk about it with me honey?"  Then it will be all out on the table for everyone to see right in front of their faces that thats not what should be going on.  Then everone will still be standing there holding their breath waiting for the next thing, turn to your daughter and say "Sweetie dear I would like for you to meet you daddy's ex-wife who doesn't seem to understand that she needs to build a family of her own."  Then sit back and give your man a big kiss and smile like you have no idea that anything just happened.

Answer 2

Hi, if his family doesn't see how wrong they are they never will. Have you ever said to his mom, that's okay if you've invited "her" we will still be there. Let her make the choice as to whether or not she still attends. If she does, so what, as long as she's polite you be polite. You have to remember you have your husband not her. I don't see anything wrong with them still having a relationship with her. The problem is they're putting her first. That's very immature and just mean. Have you ever had a good relationship with them? Aside from this are they mean or inconsiderate about other things too? You have a normal insecurity. They aren't being loving or considerate at all. If you call their bluff like I said and decide not to let her bother you, you'll come out ahead in the end. You don't ever want to be called the one who broke up the family. I'm in no way saying that you are, but your husband loves his parents no matter how much trouble they cause. Don't let him ever have any bad families against you for making him choose, and don't be anything like them, always do what you know is right even when your angry. (which is also normal)

I am very close to my ex inlaws. So are my 2nd husband of 17 years and two children from that marriage. It did not happen overnight. I would never have visited them on a holiday or important occasion when it was his time to be with them. Over the years we've all become friends and enjoy all being together when possible. She may have become very attached to them during their marriage. She is young and making bad choices too. Hopefully with time things will get better. Don't forget what I said, tell them you're coming and don't show any anger no matter whay they say. Then you're being the bigger person that they are capable of being. Good luck

P.S. Be nice to his sister, but never trust her. Show them all that you won't be the one to be blamed for "breaking up the family."

Answer 3

I feel you anguish and disgust, I am dealing with a similar situation (only a million times worse) and you don't understand how people have no respect or loyalty towards you. I don't really get it either, but if you get a good answer please let me know. All I can say is over time it bothers you a tiny bit less each time it reoccurs. Try to ignore them as much as possible and focus on your beautiful daughter, all the real joy in life comes from children anyways!  

Answer 4

I don't see why she would want to be a part of his family anymore. I have learned that no matter what the most important thing is to make sure that no matter what our family does to us or how we feel about them that we never get to the point of having them out of our lives. It only makes it more difficult to put things back together in the future when they are needed. It is obvious that you have nothing to fear when it comes to your husband as it seems it is the rest of the family and not him that are keeping ties. This should make you feel secure at least that you and only you are the love of his life. Make sure that in a calm and reasonable manner that you let the family know how you feel. Make sure that you nicely tell them that it makes you uncomfortable and brings up thoughts of him in the past that you would like to leave just there... in the past. Since she is obviously an important part of their life, probably since they knew her for quite some time and learned to like her, they feel that they don't want to completely cut ties. This is also understandable and should be respected. If you respect their decision they should in turn lessen their communication with her and spend more time with you..

It's all about good, calm, reasonable, open and honest communication even if that is uncomfortable at first.  

Answer 5

Get over yourself. u act as if she still wants him, she obviously has moved on. u cant stop his family from socializing wit her! who do u think u are. its a shame that the kids have 2 suffer 4 this, becuz of ur selfishness.