Help....am i wrong ?

Question

my step daughter was 3 when I met her. at that time she didnt lie, throw little sassy attitudes, and she wasnt as sneaky and manipulative now she is. well her mother doesnt like me but I have never been mean to her or anything she has a smile when she sees me but she tries to call my husband at 2 in the morning to tell him shes still in love with him (mind you shes married to her other 3 childrens father but is now separated and with her new boyfriend 8 years her junior whom the kids are forced to call daddy). she tells my step-daughter that I'm ugly and she doesnt have to listen to me. before my husband and my daughter , gabby, was born (now 18months) she would tell my step-daughter that my her REAL mommy and daddy should be together. that her father doesnt love her anymore and my daughter wasnt his real baby. my husband lets my step-daughter get away with everything because he wants to be her friend rather than a parent so im left being the bad guy enforcer. my husbad has custody of her and has had her since she was 6 months old her mom by recent court order is only allowed to see her on the weekend. my step-daughter and i bump heads alot and shes only 5 i treat as if she were mine I am actually very fed up with her and sometimes wish she were with her mother forgetting its not a very safe place for her. I just dont know what to do please help am i a bad person for feeling this way?

Answer 1

She needs to count on someone to set boundaries and be consistent with what is right and wrong behavior. You are it. You are being given the opportunity to help shape her life in a positive way that will allow her to be a productive member of society as an adult. It sounds like her parents are clueless and her mom is mentally ill. She can't help who her parents are or their inability to parent but you have been placed in her life to ensure her success later on. Don't give up! I warn you, it will get worse as she becomes a teenager, but she WILL come to you someday and say thank you for being there.

At 5 she is simply too young to understand that parents can be wrong! Sit her father down and let him know he is NOT doing her any favors by catering to her poor behavior. She will become a spoiled and immature adult that will depend on him the rest of her life. It is his job to teach her right from wrong and to be self reliant.

You can block the mothers number from ringing through to your phone and make sure you, not your husband, checks in with her on the day before she is due to have the child. Once she sees that you are involved and not putting up with her shenanigans, she hopefully will back off.

NO, you are not a bad person! Of course you are frustrated and overwhelmed with this seemingly lose-lose situation. You and hubby need to get on the same page as to discipline and rules and also rewards and fun time. He is not her friend, he is her parent. And he will do the same to your daughter if not helped to see that this behavior is not going to produce a well adjusted productive adult. And that is what parenting is all about!

Answer 2

If you are showing her true love and acceptance she will love you back, eventually my 7 year old can be down right rude to me as well. girls can be a hand full. But if the unhealthy relationship continues between "the moms" your going to have a very confused Child. Although some of it i am sure is just normal boundary testing behavior. Or brat syndrome which your own children will go through too. She is also undoubtedly very confused i am sure by her mothers bashing of you. As well as the tension that you two must cause being that you hate each other so much.

My advice is to show your step daughter that you love her no matter what!! Also try saying really nice things about her mother around her. (even if it's hard). Children understand so much more than we think. She is feeding into the hostile relationship between the "moms" A step child is still a child don't let your dislike of her mom turn into you disliking the innocent child who is being used as a pawn in her mothers vendetta against you. She is succeeding at her apparent mission because of the strife she is causing her daughter to cause. Try not to blame your husband i am sure the situation is very difficult for him as well.

Good Luck

Answer 3

Listen to me!

You have the opportunity to "make" or "break" this child!

If you & your husband have custody, then you will be THE major influence in her life.  Forget the stuff about "bumping heads" with her.  You are dealing with a 5 year old!  She is a virtual baby!  

Her whole personality has been formed by this divorce-custody $hit that you adults have been involved in.  What does it matter that the mom says you are ugly?...if you treat this child with love, she will think you are the most beautiful woman in the world!  Her sister, Gabby, is a wonderful opportunity for y'all to bond as a family!  

This is your chance to really step up to the plate & be the adult in the family.  I know you can do it!  Correct the bad behavior and reward the good.

Frankly, if you do not feel that you can bond with this child, then urge your husband to either give custody to the mother; or put the child up for adoption.  You are her absolute last chance for a normal life.  Don't s***w it up!

Answer 4

You're not bad.  Just honest.

Ask your husband to be a little more supportive.  Kids don't need the parents to be best buddies with them.  They need someone to tell them that they love them.  They need someone they can look up to and rely on.  And... they need someone to tell them what's what -- what is and is not acceptable behavior.

Don't worry about being the 'enforcer'.  It's what she needs at that age and probably something she'll appreciate you for when she's older.