Help dealing with self-absorbed mother part 2?

Question

I am fairly talanted in artisitc fields, such as: art, writing, cooking, and others. The problem is, mother was once (or at least she thinks she was) talanted at these things too. Yet she can't applaud my successes in these fields, she simply tries to find ways to tear down my acomplishments to make herself feel better about her own failures. An example of this is when several of my works were published in a school literary magazine; she feigned appreciation, yet began questioning how I got my material, whether I had basically gotten it from a book, and where I had learned to write like that (saying that I was never good enough to come up with it on my own). The same goes for my art work, while the teacher is saying that is a masterpiece for a student of my learning, she picked it apart by pointing out every flaw and called it amature at best. How do I celebrate my successes and get her to see my potential as well?

Answer 1

First I am sorry you are dealing with this. The problem is you cannot "make" anyone see your potential. It sounds as if your mother has some problems of her own she needs to work on, but what you need to realize is you do not have to make her problems your problems.

It sounds like you are talented. You need to step above this and realize your worth. The self-respect and self-worth you have in yourself is not based upon what anyone else sees in you. I realize this is difficult because usually it is the mother and father that are the sole supporters of their children. Unfortunately, in this situation it sounds like your mother is not going to change her outlook because of the root problems she has in herself. I am going to say you need to keep doing what you are doing. Keep excelling, keep up with your studies, and keep doing your best--- for you. Do not let her negative behavior tear you down. When you succeed in an accomplishment--- celebrate. You do not need permission from your mother to celebrate. Even if it is just telling yourself what a wonderful job you did. She cannot take that away from you.

On a deeper level, I think it might be time for some family counseling and really opening up to her about how you are feeling. If she will not listen to you verbally then write a letter. Unfortunately though, as much as you wish for a positive change, it is your mother that needs to work on the root to her problems before she can give you what you feel you need.

Congratulations to you on your success! Keep it up!

Answer 2

How to celebrate your successes?  With someone else.  For awhile, you do not need to share these successes with her.  Changing her attitude is not easily done, especially by a daughter.  She will recognize your talent in time, but not in a time that is as soon as you will want.  I know it is hurtful not to have her to share victories with, but she obviously cannot handle it.  I am not telling you not to love or respect her, but you do not have to go back to her about your successes when she cannot handle them.  Tell a trusted teacher about this for some extra support.

Answer 3

talk to her about it, and let her know what you think, but you probably wont want to tell her everything, because that could risk your relationship with your mother.