Help finish my story, I'm stuck part 1.?

Question

Help finish my story, i'm stuck part 2 is the next part. I couldn't fit it all in one question. So check both parts out please! :)

"Don’t move and you won't get hurt," a smooth, deep, voice whispered into my ear. I felt the person clamp their sweaty hand over my mouth and then shove something against my head.

A gun.

"If anyone dares to call the police or," he paused, "try anything, this girl dies. Her brains will scatter out among you."

I could tell that this amused him. I watched in horror as all the other people in the bank watched their own faces mirror my feelings. I felt my forehead start to sweat and tears prickle in my eyes.

"Clean out all the money you have," the guy barked, pulling me tighter towards him. I watched as all the workers, opened up the cash registers and started pulling out money. Their faces were frowned, and they hurried as fast as they could. Once that was done, they put it in a bag and threw it over to my captor.

"Is this all you have?" he snarled. "Go into the back, get everything."

The workers obeyed and I heard the guy laugh. If he wasn’t holding a gun to my head, or trying to choke me, I would have thought he was cute. I knew he was taller than I was, and much stronger.

"Don’t you dare try anything alright?" He whispered into my ear, his voice, tormenting me with every word. "If you do, I can promise you that I will hunt you down and kill you. I swear."

I shivered and closed my eyes, trying to steady my breathing because if I didn’t, I was sure to have an asthma attack. I opened my eyes as the workers came back in, one of them had been crying.

"You didn’t try anything stupid did you?" He moved the gun away from my head, put it up to the roof, and fired one shot, before putting it against my head. "I won't hesitate to kill her. Now, I want you to come give me the bags and-"

"Freeze! Police!"

"Oh c**p," I heard him mutter under his breath, forgetting the money; he pushed me forward and ran out the back door. As I turned, I saw the back of him disappearing followed by police officers. Everyone stood up and a lady came up to me, the one who had been crying.

"Oh darling, are you alright?" she gushed, "That was terrible. Look, do you want me to call your parents?"

I didn’t answer; I just stared at the door, thinking of what he had said. "Don’t you dare try anything alright? If you do well, I can promise you that I will hunt you down and kill you. I swear."

"Are you sure you should be back at school already?" My best friend had asked me a week later.

"I was going insane at home," I laughed. "Plus, my therapist suggested I should get on with my life."

"Alright, but if you want to talk about it, I'm always here," Meredith suggested.

"And so am I," my boyfriend, Will came up beside me and put his arm around me. "I couldn’t believe it when my friends told me you were at school. Are you sure-"

"Yes," I interrupted with a sigh, "I just want to live my life."

"Alright, How about we go to the movies tonight?" Will offered with a cute, lopsided grin.

"Deal."

Meredith, Will, and I, walked into our next class, history. We sat down at our seats, Ashli in front of me, Chris on one side, and the only free desk in the room, on my other side. I took out my book and Mrs. Caldwell walked in.

"Morning class," She smiled. "Ah, Nicole, so nice to have you back."

Everyone turned and stared and I blushed. Yeah, my name’s Nicole. I was practically named a girl, while my twin sister, got a more male name like, Adrian. Will smiled at me and I saw Natalia shoot glares to anyone still watching me.

"Now, please start off by opening your book to page, 235," Mrs. Caldwell announced, "and read the first paragraph."

As she finished talking, the door opened. Mrs. Caldwell smiled.

"Oh, Conner, I didn’t think you'd be here today," Mrs. Caldwell smiled, "please take a seat at the back."

The guy walked in, and I could believe my eyes. My heart skipped a beat. I took in his tallness, blue crystal clear eyes with dark chestnut hair, kind of messed up. It was the guy who tried to kill me. He walked down and sat next to me, looked at me, and his eyes widened.

It was that moment; I thought I was going to die again. No one seemed aware of my current satiation. Mrs. Caldwell just kept glancing up from time to time to make sure we were reading. Some students were passing notes; it was another normal day for them. No one was aware they had a killer in their class.

All right, so it's a little unfair. He didn’t kill me, but what about someone else? Was he a cold-blooded murderer? I shake my head slightly and try to concentrate on my book. After reading the same line thirteen times, I put the book down and rest my head on the desk.

Answer 1

One thing this is good.

Perhaps you could go along with the idea of Conner staging another similar bank robbery, but Adrian could be caught instead of Nicole with the possibility of her being shot. And perhaps Nicole could try and uncover Conner fo who he is.

I don't know those are just some ideas that popped into my head in two minutes, feel free to email me if you need any other help.

Answer 2

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzz....

uh, huh ???

Number the pages and call it a day !

Answer 3

you had my attention by the end of the first sentence.

that should be worth something :)

uhm, "Her brains will scatter out among you." a little gruesome.

i dunno about this chick. but when a dude is holding a gun up to my head, nothing at all is cute, lmao. specially the captor....

"Don’t you dare try anything alright? If you do well, I can promise you that I will hunt you down and kill you. I swear." -that should be italized. she's thinking it. he didn't literally speak the words again.

and cops should have ran after the guys. whether he escapes or not...

the transition is way too fast. like, what happened. you go from her being in a life/death scenerio to her being at school in one sentence. didnt make much sense.

idk about the rest, but it's interesting :)

good luck :)

Answer 4

that was really good. maybe the next thing could be her being like omg hes choking me in front of the whole class and then she wakes up screaming. nicole realizes everyones eyes are on her as she runs out the class in tears. Will and meredith run out after her and ask her whats wrong. and she jus says nothing, i jus fell dozed off when i put my head down and dreamt about that day at the bank. class let out a few minute after that, and she seen the boy again. he quickly glanced at her before rushing off to his next class. will, merdith, and nicole went back into mrs caldwells class to gather their books. "sorry mrs cladwell, i jus dozed off and dreamt about that day at the bank" "its quite all right nicole" mrs caldwell said soothingly,"if u need to take time off or need someone to talk to jus lemmy kno" i hope this helps, good luck!!!

Answer 5

i really like what the last person said.

make the bank robbery longer.

the first chapter.

then in the next chapter make it before the bank robbery.

if you have to put a date at the beingning of each chapter.

then at the end of the book the robbery happens again, but write it so that you can tell shes a fake hostage.

i like it, though.

its a good start!

:D

also i added you as a contact.

i'm going to put up some of my stories that i've written.

:)

feel free to check them out and tell me what you think.

Answer 6

Alright, first of all, you continue to jump around. Focus on her feelings in the first part. The begining really catches the interest, however you need to discribe what she's hearing, feeling, what she smells. You need to put in more details, while keeping the reader's attention. Also, you cant just all of the sudden say, "Oh and a week later..." no, how do her parents feel about this whole situation, that she was practially held hostage. And the Killer? You need to discribe him as a young man, he's in her CLASS for goodness sakes. If it had been a real hold up, he would have been wearing a mask, or else the camera would have caught him on tape.

So, Here's what I have. She is being held hostage by some mysterious guy in the bank, his voice sounds young, and at some point she catches a glimpse of his stunning blue eyes, that are intrancing, and that captivate her. He has a very unique scent about him, like fresh fallen rain, or cinnamon. If she hadn's been so terrified, she probably would have found him intriging, and mysterious. When the police question her, for some reason she has a need to defend him, and tells the police she never saw his face, or anything that could be recognizable. Then the week rolls around, and her almost murderer enter's the room they both recognize each other at once. alarmed, she begs her parent's to allow her to change schools, they refuse. they get placed as partners, and have to do a report together. She soon finds out more about him. They become really good friends. They both pretend that they dont recognize each other from that first day in the bank. Apparently, the young man's mother is dying, and the insurance refuses to cover the surgery. so, when she finds his intentions were honerable, they plan to rob the bank together. She pretends to be the hostage, once again, everything comming full circle, and they succsessfully rob the bank together. In the end, they end up falling in love. The End.

Something to get the juices flowing! Have fun!