Help for a seven year old adoptee?

Question

DD wrote a letter to her mom a few weeks ago. It was a simple letter and started of with Dear Mom. She told her about what she likes to do for fun and her favorite color. Who her favorite bedtime animals are. Who her best friend was. She also asked to see her brother and sister. As I sent off the letter I prayed for a response. DD can not wait to check the mail everyday to see if a letter from her mom arrives. DD is very sad and I really do not know what to say. I am still hoping that a letter will come. What should I say if it never comes. I know the address is correct. Should I send a letter too?

Answer 1

Send her a letter, tell her how her bdaughter is feeling and ask her to send some kind of note in response. How could a mother refuse?

Answer 2

poor little girl... oh man....

I don't know what I would do in this case... Has she had past letters and contact? Or is this rare?

In addition to the great advice in the answer above....

My kids write letters and send pictures--but they know it Goes into a file that thier mother can't access until they are 18... so...it makes it easy for them to not wait and expect...

Maybe see if you can get other family members to send her letters and cards from them to help take her mind off her mothers missing letter and give her Something Fun to find in the mail box....

Answer 3

Explain to her that sometimes adults do things, and because their emotions are so mixed up, they don't respond back, even though they should, and they end up feeling guilty, and then really don't know how to respond.  Also explain that even though you've sent the letters to the first mom, you can't guarantee that she has gotten them, if she moved and the post office no longer forwards letters.  Also, she might have gotten married/divorced, and changed her name.  Also tell her that it is nothing she has done, that it is all on her first mom's responsibility if she doesn't get back to her.  We also have a saying that I used to tell my son when his father dissappeared before he was born.  "If he had ever met you, he would have loved you."  At age 17, they were re-united, and his dad had changed into a better person, and wasn't sure how to re-introduce himself into Brandon's life.  Good luck!

Answer 4

Wow.  She wrote the letter a few WEEKS ago...and still no response?  That is a long time for a 7 year old to wait.  I think I would write a short, to the point letter informing the bmom of the situation, DD's expectations, and the __ (joy, relief, comfort, etc) that any response from her would give DD.  And, I'd send my letter registered, return receipt requested so you know that it did actually arrive.

One of the things that I feel is important to help DD understand is that you do not know why the bmom has not responded.  Her lack of a response could be for any of a gazillion reasons...and you and DD simply can't know what the reason is until you do finally hear it from her.  Sorry, the truth hurts sometimes.  But, even a sad truth is better than a good lie.  And, DD might have to deal with this sort of disappointment for the rest of her life.

Answer 5

I'm just crying for your little adoptee.

That's the same way I felt - at 35 - when I sent my first letter to my  mother.

The waiting is unbearable - and the anticipation of rejection is almost soul destroying.

Wrap her up in your arms - and cuddle her like crazy.

Cry with her - let her know you feel her pain.

Be there for her.

Tell her she's not alone. And you'll always be there for her.

Tell her you're sorry that she's heard nothing in return yet.

Most likely - she just wants to know that her feelings are understood - even if she doesn't understand them herself.

Perhaps a letter from you would help.

Send it receipted - so that she has to sign for it - then at least you know she got it. (makes the waiting a tiny more bearable)

UGH - just crying here.

Hugz for you both.

ETA: some great advice from Torrejon.

Sending some Aussie hugz through the airways for your daughter right now.

Answer 6

That breaks my heart. I still remember my best friends daughter sitting in the back seat of my car one day, she was 5 or 6 then. and she said "Why my dad not like me, why he never call or come see me" the words still ring in my head.  I told her honey it's not your fault. He is the one missing out on seeing you and being with you, loving you. He's the one that isn't enjoying you and seeing how much you are growing. Then I told her how much we all love her and that her dad was just confused right now and one day hopefully he would wise up and be a part of her life. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have to make her understand that it isn't her fault, and that she is very much loved and wanted where she is. Cause the sad part is you can't make them have contact with the child. I don't think they sometimes realize how much things like that hurt a child. Their so wrapped up in their own selfpitty that they forget the child's feelings. You can try to write her a letter yourself but I really doubt it will make much difference. Hugs for both of you.

Answer 7

Dear Angelcuddle,

We have been thru this.  What i told DD was that we can not pretend to know how her first mother feels.  We can not pretend to know what is going on in her life right now.  What i do know is that she loves you.  Maybe this is just too hard for her right now.  

It was rough.  Give your DD extra hugs and cuddles.  She was very angry.  She took that anger out on me.  She rejected me for months.  I just kept reminding her that i loved her and i would never leave her.  

She would ask me odd questions like if there were a fire would i save her?  Yes, I would give my life for you.  

If a robber came to our house what should she do?  I told her to run out of the house as i would distract him.  She said you could die.  I know, I would give my life to save yours.  Would you really?  Yes!

If daddy died and you had no money would you put me up for adoption? No, Never. Under no circumstance would i ever let you go.

******

I did write a letter.  With no response.  I took Christmas as an opportunity to send a card and photos and a quick note from me again.

DD's first mother wrote back.  She had thought it would be best for DD if she was not involved.  I responded that i did not agree.  First Mother had some concerns.  I addressed them and reassured her.  I raised our daughter to love, honor and respect her first mother.  First mothers are just as important as second mothers and there is room for both.  Six months now and wonderful:)

It might take longer than you want.  First Mother might need your support to feel comfortable enough to establish a relationship.  It took 3 months before DD stopped going to mailbox.  You, DD, and FM are in my thoughts and prayers.

Email me anytime for support:)  Best wishes.