Help i need answers toward adoption

Question

ok i had a son with a guy who is horrible cas was involed and at the time i fought to have sole custody of our son, he is not allowed near children so i have no help from him, i have since married, i have never felt close to this child and i seem to be resenting him more each day, i dont want to feel this way and i have had some help but i cant seem to get over how he came to be and how much he reminds me of his bio father. Should i allow him to be adopted by a family member he's almost 3?

Answer 1

It is a very sad situation that you are faced with.  It is horrible to not have feelings for your child, but in some circumstances I can sympathize.  Although the child is the innocent victim in this matter, he should not have to suffer because none of it was his fault.

If you got help and still feel a resentment towards your child, adoption is a solution.  Handing him over to a family member will only cause future pain on him and a lot of unanswered questions that I am sure you would not be able to handle since you can't handle them right now.

I know that you do love your child, and this is a difficult decision for you.  I feel that you should carefully look for parents that you feel would love your son as he should be loved. Throwing him in an adoption agency might have him sitting in limbo for years until a suitable family shows up to care for him.

I feel strongly about this situation, because my husband and I haven't been able to have children in our 15 year relationship.  We love children very much and are willing to open our hearts and home to a child in need.  So think about it and find a couple out there that can love your child like a child should be loved.

I wish you luck with your decision and may God continue to bless you and your child as you try to work on this difficult decision.  Feel free to email me and talk anytime.  God is good, and he will see you through.

Answer 2

I think the first thing to do is get some more therapy for yourself. If you just aren't able to care for this child correctly then maybe you should let him live with someone else but you need to try to deal with your own issues before doing something like that.

At the age of 3 your son is definitely bonded to you, even if you don't feel bonded to him. Placing him for adoption, even with a family member, is going to cause him a great deal of pain and psychological damage. So get yourself some more help before you decide to place him for adoption. In the meantime just try as hard as you can to act normally and nicely with him, he does not deserve to feel unloved/uncared for by his mother just because of your poor relationship with his father. Maybe you & your counselor can discuss how to deal with your son so he is not so effected by whats going on with you/his dad? Good luck:)

Answer 3

Get counseling, and DON'T have more kids no matter what!  How horrible is it that this baby has to suffer because you are having problems?  Its NOT his fault.  

If you think you can't raise him, and give him away, imagine the kind of horrid things he's going to feel towards you in the future.  I can almost guarantee that he would have problems with depression from having a trauma like this occur.

Again, PLEASE don't have more kids.

Answer 4

Well, here is the thing.  I would suggest that first you get therapy.  After all, this sounds like a past issue and not something that can't be overcome with help.  Also, it was probably difficult to bond with the child since you were going through all these court problems and such and then got married soon after.  You really need to take some time out from concentrating on your marriage and just spend some sole time with your child to learn who he is, versus whose son he is.

If you aren't willing to take some steps to overcome the resentment, then yes I do think you should give him up for adoption.  I have seen a lot more harm come from a child being raised in his bio family unwanted and resented, then a child being raised in a family that loves and wants him.  But make sure these family members are doing it for the right reasons.... not to help YOU out, but because they do love this little boy and want to see him grow and mature.  He deserves to be loved no matter who fathered him.

Answer 5

I am going to pray for you.  I am praying that all resentment will fade away today.  Do you love the little boy?  

I don't like my son's Father but I love my son...

Perhaps your new husband resents the boy and raising some else's child.

Prayer will help.  Prayer can move mountains and doubts can create them.  

Are you getting any counseling?

You were brave to speak your truth....

Lean on God right now and not your own understanding.

Answer 6

You have no idea what it's like to be adopted.

I was adopted AT BIRTH and have no recollection of my first mother when I was born. (I have since reunited.)

I have wonderful adoptive parents.  And I had a pretty positive reunion with my f-mom.  And I'm STILL seriously SERIOUSLY messed up.  Choosing to keep your child and then suddenly abandoning him at age 3 will inflict more emotional and psychological damage than you can possibly imagine.

You are married to another man now.  So you're NOT supporting this child alone.  I think that you've been so wound up in the horrible situation with your ex that you haven't given yourself a chance to get close with your son.  Yes, he has half of your ex.  But he also has half of YOU.  And you are a MOTHER.

If you can't seem to get over what happened with your ex, then you need to get counseling.  Therapy can do amazing things... never underestimate the power of an objective third party.  (For the record, I'm not talking about medication, I'm just talking about talk therapy.  You'd be amazed how much it can help!)

My answer is No.  Do not allow someone else, even a family member, to adopt.  I do have friends who were adopted by family members and they are just as (sometimes even more) messed up by their situations as I am mine.

You DO have the capacity to love this child.  And, as a mother, it is your JOB to love unconditionally.... meaning that you love him regardless of what he does or who he reminds you of.  You do have it in your power to have a meaningful relationship with your son if it's important enough to you.  

Please.  Don't abandon your son because you made a mistake.  Love him regardless of your mistakes and show some compassion.  Children don't make life easier... they're obnoxious and inconvenient.  But they shouldn't be punished for existing, which is what you would be doing if you decided to place him with a family member.

You FOUGHT to have sole custody of him.  WHY?  If you're not going to keep him and love him, why would you do that?

Answer 7

if he wont be cared for pprroperly then yes, it will be the best choice. and dont let people tell you anything negative towards your question cause you are just looking for the best for him.  

Answer 8

I'm so sorry for your situation. I know it is hard to feel the way you do about your own child.

The best thing is to consider adoption outside of the family so he can grow up without the cloud of "how he came to be" around him.  You can have open adoption where you'll get pictures and letters, but he'll be cherished by a family who doesn't care about his history, just about the joy he brings.

Try http://www.OpenAdoption.com for help.

Answer 9

I'm sorry, your not going to like my reply! You are going to punish a child because of your mistake. Let him be adopted OUTSIDE your family then he may have a chance in life.  

Answer 10

Not to be rude, but this isn't his problem, and he's not the one who needs to deal with the consequences.  You don't have to FEEL loving toward him - you just have to ACT loving toward him.  Get some counseling to deal with those feelings (which have NOTHING to do with your son), and fake it until you make it!  I don't care if it takes until the day you die to get over your issues with your ex...that's not your son's problem.  Deal with it.

Answer 11

I adopted a little girl when she was four years old.  She is doing well, but has a LOT of grief over losing her mother.  I wrote an article about it, if you are interested.  Here is the link.

www.associatedcontent.com/article/6797...  

Answer 12

Adopted by a family member? Thats awful! There is no need to damage that child just because you don't like his father. The situation with the father was your mistake not that childs.  Unfortunately for you 3 yrs is way past the expiration date for you to be able to resolve this situation without doing some real psychological damage to that child. As he grows up how do you think that will make him feel? You need to do what a good parent would do and suck it up for the sake of the kid. What you wanted out of life became 2nd place the minute you decided to keep that kid.

Answer 13

I think you need to talk to a counselor to deal with your unresolved issues about your ex. If your feelings about him are interfering with your daily life (and they are, if you are struggling to raise your child because of them,) then it's a pretty good indication you aren't in a healthy place emotionally about him.

I think adoption of this child should be an absolute last resort if family therapy doesn't work, not seen as a first step or a solution. Your child shouldn't grow up in a home where he's unloved or unwanted, but adoption is a huge change that will affect both him and you for the rest of your lives. I think you should try to make things work instead of giving up.

If this child must be given up for adoption, I agree it's best that he stay with a family member. I just think you need to do everything possible to resolve your issues about your ex first, so you can try to provide a loving and healthy home for your child instead of giving him up.

Answer 14

Yes, as long as there is someone willing to adopt him. He deserves a mother who will love him. It isn't your fault if you can't do it, and it's a good thing that you care enough to allow him a chance to have a happy childhood.

Answer 15

wOW yOU sound like my wicked witch mother...YES! YES! YES! Give the kid up... That poor boy can do much better than you. Give him to someone who will love him! I wish that's what my mother had done....  

Answer 16

Grow up!  How he came to be is not the point, the point is that you have a child who needs his mother's unconditional love.  YOU chose to be with his father...not him.  He resembles his father because YOU made that man his father.  Keeping your legs crossed would have prevented your dilemma.  You seem to need further counseling, please get it before you scar this child even further.