Help i need some good jokes! <span title="PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!">PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...</span>

Question

My friends say my jokes aren't good when i tell them my jokes and i wanna be funny!

Please give me some good ones!

Answer 1

You dont got the funny comedianess in you. Deal with it. Think of your own things. If they dont laugh. then hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahah...  your not funny

Answer 2

instead why dunt u juss go to youtube and type in jeff dunham?

Answer 3

a man is walking in the jungle when a lion jumps out ready to eat him.

unable to do anything he got down on his knees closed his eyes anprayedyd, after a while nothinhappenednd so hopenednd his eye to look for thLionne and found it on it&#039;s knees in front of him. relieved the man shouted &quot;thank you god! thant you!&quot;

the lion said &quot;shhhh...dont disturb me when i&#039;m saying grace&quot;

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two drunk men men were walking on a train track. after a few minets one man said to the other. &quot; dont you think thes stares are really low?&quot;

&quot;i dont minde. i just wish they made the hand railing a bit highter&quot;

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a woman invites a guy friend over to her house. he came and brought  with him chocolates and win. as they were getting comfortable the door bell rang. &quot; quick! out the window, it&#039;s my husbend!&quot; the man climbed out the window and was hanging by the ledge . it was to dark to see the ground, he was afraid to let go. the woman gave her husband the chocolates and he ate them, after a while they made him sick, so he opend the window th throw up, it was to dark to see the guy on the ledge he puke&#039;d on him. feeling better he drank the win and then had to pee. so he opened the window and pee&#039;d on the guy. then he and his wife went to bed. the man out side could&#039;nt do anything but wait till morning. and as the sun came up he looked down and saw he was only a foot from the ground.

and the moral of the story is:

revenge is swift, even when we dont know it.

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this is more of a funny story than a joke.

a bird was flying  south for the winter but he was to late so it sarted to snow, so he sat down on a banch to rest.but he got so cold he froze and feel to the ground. after a whil a cow came by and pooped where the bird was, the p**p was warm, it thawed out the bird. the bird was so happy he began to sing, a fox nere by heard the bird, dug it out of the p**p and ate it..and the moral of the story is:

those who sh*t on you are&#039;nt allwasy you enemy.

and those who get you out of sh*t arent allways your friends.

Answer 4

Teacher: Johnny, you know you can&#039;t sleep in my class.

Johnny: I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.

Answer 5

Here&#039;s one that I found quite funny :)

Hot Dogs.

A middle-aged couple was out doing yard work. The wife was bent over weeding and her husband was behind her, checking her out. He said, &quot;Did you know your butt is as big as our grill? I&#039;m serious!&quot; He took a tape measure and measured the grill, and then measured his wife&#039;s bottom. &quot;Well, what&#039;d ya know? It is as big as the grill!!&quot; The wife just rolled her eyes and sighed.

Later that night, the husband was feeling raunchy. When he asked for what he wanted, the wife replied without missing a beat, &quot;If you think I&#039;m gonna fire up the whole grill for one little wiener, you&#039;re sadly mistaken.&quot;

Here&#039;s another one:

Good dog.

A police man was patrolling a neighborhood. Across the street, he saw an elderly man tugging a string behind him, and calling out things like, &quot;Come on, come on! Good boy!&quot;

The police man wandered over to the man. He said to the man, &quot;Nice dog you got there. What&#039;s his name?&quot; The man frowned in a confused way and said, &quot;I have no dog. This is just a string!&quot; The police man turned a little red and said, &quot;I&#039;m sorry, I thought you were a little crazy!&quot; The man shook his head, smiled and continued on his way. The police man started to walk away when he heard the man turn around and say, &quot;We sure got him that time, didn&#039;t we, Fido?&quot;

Hahah :D

Answer 6

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, &quot;What do you think you&#039;re doing? It&#039;s things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I&#039;d come out there and kick your butt!&quot;

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

&#039;&#039;Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.&quot; Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: &quot;You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.&quot;

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

&quot;Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren&#039;t yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don&#039;t stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.&quot;