Help i need some jokes....., latest funny jokes for weekend?

Question

i wan't a funny jokes because saturday i'm in the house

Answer 1

joke1

A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.

Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

joke2

One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then, the dog bit the mailman.

"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog."

joke3

Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?

Yep… It runs in the jeans!

joke4

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"d**n!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks through the bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up.

joke5

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

joke6

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Answer 2

"So theres two guys in a boat; Pete and Repete. Pete falls off. Who is left?"

"Repeat"

"So theres two guys in a boat; Pete and Repete. Pete falls off. Who is left?"

its pretty cheesy but is gives everyone a good laugh everytime