Help me- I'm so confused- thought things would be different!?

Question

So my boyfriend of over 2 years and I broke up tonight. It was inevitable and, well, though it's sad it's a relief at the same time. Though he really is a great guy, he needs a girl that can give him certain things, and vice versa.

So here's my predicament. I do NOT have any interest in finding someone anytime soon. Obviously! But my problem I'm facing now is how to get interested in someone sexually for the future.

My now ex-boyfriend is Catholic and only believes in abstinence before marriage. He made me feel awful about wanting to be sexual, and made me feel like a pervert and a sexual manipulator (his words). Whenever we were sexual, it was usually followed up with regret if it went too far (and it was always me pressuring apparently- no personal responsibility on his part). He even told me that me suggesting things was pressuring, that he only gave in to make me happy, and he didn't enjoy any of it. Lovely.

On top of THAT, my previous relationship of a year and a half was somewhat similar. He again was a great guy, but he just did not have any interest in anything sexual. He was an obese guy with absolutely no s*x drive. He would feel bad, but just not have interest and not initiate. I would ask, do things, initiate with nothing back.

Going through BOTH of these relationships has been emotionally draining. I feel like a w***e because I just wanted to share that part of myself with someone. My now ex always said that I cared only about being sexual, which wasn't true at all!!

My question: After all of this- how do I even begin to believe that a man will want me for myself- friendship, commitment, caring, AND sexual. It feels like I'll either find a player who ONLY wants sexual relationship, or another "great guy" who thinks being sexual is wrong or just isn't interested. HELP!!!!

Plus, I find the whole idea of being sexual to be a headache, and I really have lost all interest and s*x drive. I guess now I'd be a perfect match for either of them. However, my losing my sexual desire has depressed me greatly! :( I'm so frustrated!

Answer 1

You sound like a great person. Find a guy who listens and spends time with you and is into you for who you are. Find some one who is eager to kiss you because they love you. They will likely be more physically affectionate. Build a relationship on brutal honesty and caring.

Answer 2

Since you just broke up last night, your self esteem is suffering. Wait awhile before you think about how to attract another man. Heal yourself by embracing the wonderful girl you are. Then work on why you keep choosing men like this. Loving yourself, being happy (even w/o a man), Independence and feeling sexual. It is ok to feel good about yourself and want s*x. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Answer 3

You dont meet many guys who refrain from s*x, although there are probably a handful. It's not easy to find someone with all or close to all the qualities you want.

The problem lies in your selection of men, and/or maybe how/where you are meeting these types of guys. There are lots of nice guys with healthy s*x drives, maybe you jump into relationships too quick with the first guy you meet? Maybe you need to be more selective.

Either way you should find out from the start about their sexuality and how comfortable they are with it. Be friends first, get to know them. Theres no sense in starting a relationship with a guy who cant give you all the things you need.

Answer 4

Hey, there are in between guys. Id suggest the next guy you meet who you might be interested in hold off on anything sexual for the first month or two. Don't let up on the hints or jokes and so on. If he moves in within the first week or two maybe its too fast. If he waits until a month goes by and seems to be sincere( the most important part), and he pushes for the next step then maybe its time. As far as you can judge though try and make sure that it is for the right reasons in that he actually has feelings for you. It can be hard and not the most accurate to judge someone elses feelings about it but you can usually get a good feeling for intent. Keep this in mind as you pursue whatever relationship. This is a rule of thumb I use and I am now involved with the love of my life. You will know its right when you see it and I know that sounds cliche and retarded all at once but its true. Just go on your instinct.

Answer 5

oh my that is very frustrating! no way you're no w***e... youre a normal person who likes s*x but has had no luck :( im personally a virgin, but i have gone out with a guy or so who obviously is only in the relationship for physical things,its no fun and ive also had the vice versa. its so hard to find an inbetween. a nice guy who is serious about the relationship and likes s*x, just dont give up and maybe (i dont know how old you are) but maybe the guys youre around just arent very mature... im not sure. you sound like you need a mature guy

good luck!