Help me determine how best to deal with my ex-husband's issues and why is he like this?

Question

I know you can't do this online really well..but, consider it a fun guessing game. We have two children together...we have to have some contact...I would like a better understanding of his underlying issues and how best to deal with him for the kids' sake. I was unable to get sole custody...very difficult in our state. And even with sole, visitation is allowed. So...anyway...

My ex-husband is a pathological liar...believes his lies he makes up...gets irate when you confront him with the truth. He is very manipulative...even attempted suicide when I left him...as a manipulative tactic (per my counselor and his). He remarried one month after I did (he knew the girl for 3 mo.) he cannot handle being alone...will not live alone under any circumstance. He would be the epitomy of Mr. Christian and then snap and he would cuss and throw things and be soooo scary. Then, act like he doesn't remember any of it....my counselor thinks that's a lie. He even lied about a break-in...where he fought off the attacker...and later had to go identify the body....very creepy looking back on it. He even lied to our marriage therapist.

Anyway, he lies about me and to me constantly and to our two children. I have been ignorant and continued to confront him and engage him about this. I am just this week making myself stop. Very hard. I need ideas on his issues...and how best to deal with him.

I do not want to get caught up in his drama any more. I'm the kind of person...if I understand more about what he's doing...I handle it better. Also, best strategies for stopping it would be appreciated. Thanks!

Answer 1

I would suggest you dont waste time stopping it. He has to see a doctor. So dont waste time on that.

To deal with it, keep minimum touch, dont interact as long as its really required. If you kids are old enough, they would eventually see through the lie he tells about you. Make sure you bond well with you kids and tell them the truth as and when they need to know.

Ignoring is the best solution. Dont confront. Just be indifferent.

Answer 2

Remember three letters 'D' 'N' 'R' .  Do Not Respond.  You have to allow your children to be with this man and that makes your world harder.  But you are not required to talk to him.  Find a friend who can deliver them for his visitation.  Do not talk to him in person or on the phone.  Have him email you and you keep a hard copy of his contacts and your required responses.  

The worst part is the questions your children will have.  It is wrong to call him names or react angrily to their questions.  And do not respond when they tell you what your ex says about you.  

Rather than tell them their father is a liar (yes he is and they know it)  Simply say that is not true.  Do not respond further.  If he has said something you deem inappropriate simply tell them that that is not a subject for them to worry about.

Eventually your kids will be old enough to decide if they want to have visitation with their father or not.  If they choose not then make sure that they infrom him themselves.  when he complains what do you do?  D.N.R. and see someone who will let you scream and rant to let off steam.

Answer 3

Well if he is such a bad person, try to keep as little contact with him as possible. It might be hard, but try to gather some proof of how he acts, maybe tape him, or record him. Try to gather some solid proof of how manipulative he is and show it in the court. This kind of a person can never change, its nearly impossible. I've seen many people in this situation before, the only way you can solve it is end all contact. The only thing you need is custody, make him seem bad. Like you say he does it all the time, it shouldnt be hard to gather a little evidence, and dirt. It might seem hard, but in the long run, it will help you and your children to be safer.  

Answer 4

He sounds like he has a personality disorder. I seriously believe that he has a mental problem. I think that you need to disengage and "shut down" to allot of this behaviour. I disengaged from an ex of 5 years this way and I know that you have kids together, but this is essential to protect them from thinking he is the "norm" in their formative years. i suggest shutting down to the bare essentials of communication, cutting down all personal talk slowly, makinh your life sound boring almost. then you need to cut down time speaking to him until it is minimalised.People with P.D thrive on drama and lies and will destroy you . Please google PERSONALITY DISORDERS.specifically Histrionic and bordeline. It will then lead you to info on how to deal with helping yourself

Answer 5

There are these guys called professional hitmen. Really professional, they get the job done quite fast, no pain, when the subject least expects it. To get in touch with one I recommend your friendly neighborhood mafia or some shady person who should know how to get in touch with one.

Answer 6

Just wait, eventually he'll hang himself by doing something you can file a restraining order against him for!  In the mean time just remember you can't believe a word he says and don't speak to him about anything but the children and the issues you have to talk to him about.  You can walk away and you can hang up.  He knows how to push your buttons and you are just going to have to be strong and not let him!  I'd find a way to get permission from the court to move out of state so he can't even see the kids without it costing him big time!  Best wishes

Answer 7

I would suggest you look within yourself for answers instead of wasting time on trying to understand him. He has patterns that he is just carrying out. You also have patterns. Why would a nice person attract someone so messed up? The more you can learn about yourself the less you will need his drama. You actually chose this drama for a reason. I coach people & help them get to the root of what is going on so they can understand themselves & stop repeating the same things they do so they can move to the life they want to live. You can e-mail me if you would like to try coaching. As you know, no one can tell you why he is doing what he is doing. He gets something out of it. You also get something out of being treated this way. If you change your mind you can change your life which will have a positive effect on your children. If you just let it go they will see an example of a women who played the victim role. You will also understand him more by working on you. When we try to change the people in our life nothing happens. When we change, they change.

Answer 8

I can only suggest that try to accept you will never properly understand him - that there are other ways to handle it better.

Focus on your strengths, not his weaknesses. The children need you to do that very much.

Stopping getting caught up his drama is easy - back off from him.

Google a short piece called Desiderata. It should help you a lot.

My very best wishes to you. UK