Help me figure this out?

Question

Me and my wife were in divorce court. In our 21 marriage I had an affair after she had an emotional affair on the internet and fell in love, (I know this because I saw her tears when I ended her affair), anyways I am a sober alcoholic of 18 months up until a few weeks ago when I decided to toss a few. We called off the divorce and decided to work on us. Her therapist tells her we can't work on each other until we work on ourselves first as if her therapist knows me other than through her beliefs. Anyways I asked my wife, "What do you want in a relationship"? She says respect and trust. Here's my question..How do I respect my wife when she tells me she doesn't care who I see, date, talk to or have s*x with? Now he is my question about trust....I tell her that when she goes out with friends, I'm not allowed to go and that since they drink and party hard. I tell her I'm afraid she would get drunk and do something she might regret and she tells me "So what you did". Again, I show her trust how? Our problems are not anything that was found out after calling off the divorce, if was there then, she keeps blaming me for not showing respect or trust but yet contnues to punish me for things that happened before we called off the divorce to work on us? What do I do?

Answer 1

It sounds like your wife is distancing herself to avoid being hurt.  That is why she says, "See who you want, etc."  If she decided to work things out, she must care.  So, I would ask her how long she plans on being distant and punishing.  Tell her that is what you feel that she is doing.  No one that wants it worked out really wants you to do whatever.  She is just most likely protecting herself emotionally from you.  Either way, that kind of wall has to come down.  Real love requires being vulnerable.

Answer 2

Once you broken that trust it is hard to get it back.  No marriage will survive once the trust is broken.  The best for the both of you is to start over.   You cannot go back to a relationship where there is blame all the time from the past.  It is hard to mend it because the break is already there.  Sometimes it is better to move on and start anew.  Think about it everytime you both have a fight that is always going to be brought out in the open so what is the purpose.  

Enjoy life, there is no point of getting back together.  It does not matter how long you have been marriage.  Do it for yourself and for her.  

Answer 3

you both should work on yourself in that she spends more time partyin hard with you and you stop drinking make each other happy that is how you gain trust by being close to each other if there was no love then you both wouldnt have a second chance to mend your relationship sto[p looking back and blaming each other move forward and love one another people who make mistakes learn from them

Answer 4

You can begin by going back to what the counselor told you. She knows you because you're human, and what she told you is true, always, for everyone. Ya'll are both walking around in fear, and until you understand you can't be harmed, you're both going to react to everything fearfully. There's a great truth that, so long as you need something, having it can't really be good. When you give it up, you might get it. But telling you won't do it. You have to find your own way to understanding it.  

Answer 5

Very Interesting, you at least communicating, and except the fact that you have and will mess around on each other, but want to keep the relationship together.  That is truly wonderful and I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 6

I don't see how pouring over the past can help anyone, how changing yourself to suit someone else is healthy unless it's something you want to do yourself, for yourself, and not others. Nor do I see how blaming yourself for the past can help now or the future.

As regards her emotional affair, at least it was only emotional and not physical. Also why would you end her emotional affair, that would be something for her to do. That makes you sound controlling.

Basically, I can't see your marriage being happy, and let's face it, that's what everyone wants to be. Without you showing your wife affection, stating you wouldn't be unfaithful to her again and getting back on the wagon.

You need to work out why you drink, what happens to your personality when you do. Your wife can't be supportive to you in helping you to give up your habit if you continue to blame her for thinks going wrong. You both have to stop blaming each other and using that blame as an excuse for your actions and her actions.

You can either wipe the slate clean, hug each other, smile at each other and vow to have a happy life together, or you can decide to go your separate ways. Forget the bullshit analysis, decide today is the first day of the rest of your lives together, or separate for good.