Help me out!Constructive critiscism and what not.?

Question

Ok I have a poem I have to do for school. So I was wondering what I should change about mine to make it better. And critisism is good to! Don't just bash me though back it up 'kay! Then you can bash me all you'd like ;)

I want to believe in those sweet lullabies.

Whispered melodies that touch what’s never been shown

Relying on the feelings that no one can see.

Smiling at the thought that no one else can share

To you I’m transparent to the point I am no longer there.

Don’t question what you don’t understand.

Don’t ask me what I think when you don’t really care.

Were you always this kind? I bet it’s something that you planned on. Tell me what I don’t want to hear,

Tell me what you feel inside,

Tell me everything I fear.

Help me get past you!

You were always to dejected to care

Like those words you said that seemed too have hidden meanings

No matter what happens this melody will always be there.

Can’t you hear me calling out to you?

I will never admit your defeat.

No matter how long I search it can never be found.

So I’ll go against them all and cheat my way out

One day you’ll look back and see how far you’ve distanced yourself. Those sweet words were never taken for granted.

The ones stuck in my heart enchanted.

So one day you’ll look back and I’ll be there to hold that gaze.

Even if you still have that same cold haze in your eyes.

As long as you can see the feelings I could never hope to hide.

Oh and please don't steal..Though maybe im being conceited saying that its good enough to be stolen...Hmm...

Answer 1

You use the word "you" about a million times in this poem and that sort of makes it sound like cliche song lyrics.  You might try to be a little more clever and put some extended metaphors in there, perhaps in the very beginning.  Try one stanza of describing "those sweet lullabies" before that first line where you identify what you are talking about.

I guess what I am saying is it lacks imagery.

Your teacher will probably give you an A or a B on it as it is, though.  

Answer 2

I liked...more like a story thought!

Haha, I wont steal it don't worry!

Answer 3

I myself am an amateur poet.

My talent is limited yet still I don't know it..........You see, I can't help it.

Anyways, I see potential here. Keep writing. Always keep writing.

Answer 4

pretty long for a poem