Help me persuade my sister not to have two different wedding receptions on one night! Advice please!!!

Question

My sister is getting married to a guy from Texas ( we are from the west coast) He wants to have the wedding out there so my sister (Ms. too-sweet -push-over) agreed. He wants his 2000 church 'family' invited to the wedding and reception. This is what they are planning.... She wrote my mom this e:mail....

Autumn told me yesterday that when they got married the whole church showed up and it was kind of overwhelming so to think about having just a cookies/cake/punch reception (something cheap and no thought put into it) right there at the church after the ceremony and then take off soon after that to a private reception for family and close friends.

I think its crazy to have a reception for people you don't even know and then have another one after that for people you do!?!?!? My dad is paying for all this by the way. I would love any comments/advice.

Answer 1

This isn't really 2 receptions.  The first is similar to the light refreshments served after Sunday Service in some churches.  The 2000 members of this congregation obviously know it is not possible to invite them all to a private reception, so punch/cake/cookies is perfect.  This is sometimes even furnished by the congregation, as their collective 'gift' to the couple.

Not all 2000 members will show up, but whether they know the couple personally or not, if they are a regular part of the congregation, they are considered 'church family' and they go to witness/support/encourage a happy event in a fellow church members life. By the same token, these 'strangers' would show up in a heartbeat to lend a hand/support if this couple should ever need it!

Answer 2

Actually this is very common.  You cannot say the reception is for people you don't know...TH GROOM KNOWS THEM!!!!  And that's allthat matters.  My only problem with this is, If money is tight and your dad does not want to pay for the 2000 church membered guests, then he does not have to - the groom must cut waaaayy back!  If monwy is not an issue cause its a punch and cake reception, then go all ahead!  Do it!  My fiance and I are funding our own wedding.  We're gonna invite about 200 people (80 family and 120 friends from church to our ceremony and coctail hour with punch cake and fruits & vege platters; then we will have a private wedding for family and close friends (just like your sis is planning)  It's ok, let them do it!

Answer 3

we do this to but we have 2 receptions on separate days to enjoy both of them

Answer 4

you must be from the north, this cake and punch thing is a southern tradition. then a real reception later.

Answer 5

Well she may be trying to save your dad money actually. As unbelievable as it may sound, people will show up to a reception invited or not. So by having a "cheap party" she will (hopefully) keep these people away from the more elaborate reception she will be holding for the people she actually cares for.  

Answer 6

Her fiancee wants to invite the whole church, but the whole won't show up.  By Autumn saying "the whole church showed up" she means many. many people- not necessarily all 2,000.  It is admirable that the fiancee goes to church and feels close to everyone there.  Using the words "church family" is a common phrase in churches that have a friendly, caring feeling among the members.

Years ago, it was tradition for guests not to leave the reception before the Bride and Groom left for their honeymoon.  Everyone would gather for coffee and cake after the wedding, the couple would greet their guests and thank them for coming, then they would leave amongst a shower of rice throwing well-wishers.  So your sister leaving the earlier reception to come to the dinner is perfectly acceptable. (I know that is not what you are concerned about.)

Being married is a compromise.  She is getting married in Texas, and then having a reception for his friends.  She doesn't know them now, but she will have the pleasure of getting to know them in the future.  They are people who are important to her future husband, and so they are important to her, too.  The cake and coffee idea sounds like a good way to handle a crowd like that.  It will give his friends an opportunity to wish the couple well without going over the top with a full blown reception.  If there is a problem or hard feelings about paying for it, let the Bride and Groom pay for the cake and coffee part and have your Dad pay for the dinner.  

One problem I see is what will happen after the ceremony.  If your sister and her husband go to the cake and coffee reception, what will you all do in the meantime?  You could go to the reception, too.  If that's not an option, find something to do with the family.  What you don't want to do is sit around brooding waiting for the couple to show up.  That would really spoil the day.  

What about having a photographer take photos of your family during that time?  It would be nice to have a picture of just your Mom and Dad together, when they are dressed up looking fabulous.  Also get a photo of Grandma and Grandpa.  This would be a great time to have photos taken that could be used for Christmas cards, etc.  Or just use it as an extended cocktail hour(s), but that will really cost your Dad money.      

Answer 7

make the big resception rigth after church a "bring a dish"-resception

this means everyone who attend it have to bring something to contribute to the table (and hence no cost)

and then they can withdraw after, if your sister want to make this compromise with her husband then thats their perogative, but they should fix it so they pay or fix the cost through having the guests contribute...not your dad, they cant expect him to pay unlimited

marriage is all about compromise, and its both of their day to figure out how to shape.

Answer 8

It's a really good way to have everyone involved from the church but not have to pay for them to come to an expensive dinner reception. People who have seen a child grow up in a church environment feel close to them and want to be there when they tie the knot. It's common for anyone to be able to turn up to a church ceremony but only select people for a reception but this just makes it a better atmosphere after a wedding so people have something to stay for while they admire the bride and groom and chat to their church friends. I've been invited to many like that and it's lovely because you get to attend the wedding and see the important bit (the ceremony) but they don't have to worry about the cost of having each person there.  

Answer 9

Hi.  I have read this exact scenario a couple of times on here since I started posting about 1 year ago.

Obviously, he is involved in the church, or it is customary where they live, to invite all church members to the wedding.  So....proper etiquette states that "those invited to the wedding must also be invited to the reception."  That does not mean that all 2000 need to have a big dinner, loads of drinks and dancing all night.  A small reception at the church with cake, punch and coffee is the perfect solution!  The couple IS offering a reception to those invited to the ceremony.

So...then, after that reception is over, they/you can go and have a more private fancier reception later.  Really, this IS perfectly acceptable.  And, even though your sister may not know these people....obviously, the groom or the groom's parents do.  

To be quite honest, I think it is GREAT that those associated with a church would want to come to witness the wedding and celebrate with the couple at a small reception.  So often everyone focuses more on the party afterwards than the actual ceremony....which, to me, is the best part of the wedding!

If your dad is worried about expenses....this will NOT be much at all.  And, as a matter of fact, possibly the groom's family would be willing to host the church reception.

Answer 10

I think it's stupid too, but my bf (from Louisiana with relatives in TX) says that yeah, it happens in SMALL churches down there, not one with 2,000!  That's ridiculous!  Sounds more like he's a keeping-up-with-the-joneses person and wants to impress.

My suggestion is for your father to NOT PAY for this giant reception for strangers, if it's that important to them. Let the couple handle the cost if they want that insanity and he pay for the actual wedding and reception with only close friends and family.  

To further illustrate, as my guy has been married before a few times, what they do in some small Southern churches is have the wedding in the late morning, followed by cake and punch for bride and groom (they even have weddings on Sunday following services).  The reception lasts about 1 1/2 hours at best.  Then the couple and their close friends and family go somewhere else for a private reception for the rest of the day.

Answer 11

I would think it odd to have two separate receptions. I would advise some sort of cocktail reception for everyone and have a family breakfast or lunch the next day.

It would be even better if your sister would insist on cutting down the numbers. Perhaps she could point out the expense of the wedding to her fiance and they could make cuts together.