Help me understand my eating disorder recovering girlfriend

Question

I've been dating a girl for about 3 months now who is recovering from an eating disorder. She has been in recovery for 8 months. Her recovery consists of...

-going to support groups 5 days out of 7 each week

-seeing a therapist

-speaking on the phone to her sponsor

-journaling

She is taking this all very seriously and from what I can tell making a successful recovery.

I am very understanding towards this as I want to see her be very successful in her efforts. And we speak openly about everything, and I get it. She knows I get it.

It's tough on me sometimes, though, because she seems to have relatively little time for hanging out. And I really don't let her know that I feel this way because I don't want pressure from me getting in the way of what she is doing. I don't want to add any stress to her situation. I completely and always encourage her in doing whatever she wants whenever she feels she needs to.

I'm aware in talking with her that the idea of boundaries is very important, and also is the need to not lose yourself in a relationship. Truly, the number one focus has to be on her making sure she doesn't relapse into an unhealthy situation.

I'm not even concerned about intimacy stuff, but does it become okay, can it become okay, to someone recovering to allow themselves to really get into a relationship without feeling that they are losing their identity in doing so? Especially if they know they have done so in the past. Is this a common thing for someone in recovery?

I think the idea of control is big here. I sense her need to maintain very strict control of all the things in her life, in order to be successful with the recovery. I don't mean negatively, like controlling me and what I do, but rather just how all the things external to her influence what she is doing with recovery. That applies to food, relationships, time, everything.

I guess I'm not writing with a question, but rather, just to see what others have say in the way of approaching this relationship.

Answer 1

Well I'd say a eating disorder would like a drunk recovering, they will always have that urge to go back in to that trap.. The best thing that I'd say you could possibly do is be patient, if you really care about her, and in time maybe with all the group support and counciling she'll get better.. best of luck to you!

Answer 2

If she still has a big issue with control then it sounds like she still very much needs the theray and support.  One thing with eatting disorders is they are a very much about control.  Not just body image.  When things feel out of control, food becomes one of the things that can be controled.  So if she still needs to be completely in control of everything, she really probably still has a long way to go to really recovering.  

Being a good support to her is about all you can do.  And being there for her when she needs you.

Answer 3

You just have to support her.

Answer 4

It sounds like you are really supportive and understanding of what she is going through, and that can only be a good, positive thing for her.  It seems like she is going to need some space to take care of herself and her recovery, which is going to be hard for you since taking care of herself means less time for you.  If you really care about her, just keep on helping her get better, keep being there for her to talk to, and keep giving support.  It sounds like you are already doing a great job.