Help me understand the meaning of this quote?

Question

In another answer someone wrote, "Birth mother do go through 9 months of hard time, but an adoptive mother usually goes through years of pain and suffering, sadness and depression due to the inability to conceive."

What purpose does this statement give? Is this a "who pain is worse" statement? Is it used to minimize a birthmother's loss? I suppose there are probably birthmothers out there that agree with this statement. Do you feel this statement reflects your story?

Answer 1

Yeah, unfortunately, it sounds like someone trying to diminish another's pain and suffering.

I can't say that it reflects my story because I'm not infertile, to my knowledge. I did lose my son to adoption 23 years ago and I know the physical and emotional pain that I personally suffer from that experience. It is life-long. I knew that I would never choose to have another child after losing my son, so I guess I've lived with some self-imposed restrictions on ever having a family. It's sad not to have raised children, but I don't really think much about those "other"/fantasy children. I think about my son. Period. I should have been allowed to raise him.

The other part of this issue is that, from what I've read, the grief that comes with infertility doesn't magically disappear if someone decides to adopt because they can't conceive. I don't even know if the grief of not being able to conceive is something one can "cure". Furthermore, if there IS no way to resolve the grief, it creates the situation where our children who we lost to adoption enter households where the mother (and/or father) are grieving something personal that has nothing to do with the infant/child now in their care. However, it must certainly reflect upon the interactions of those adoptive parents and child.

I have read numerous accounts of adult adoptees who have grown up in households where the grief of infertility was never resolved. One of the several negative consequences is that the adoptee comes to feel like they are the band-aid solution to someone else's problem. I'm sure there are a host of other issues that come along as well, but an "infertility fix" is simply NOT what adoption is suppose to be about!

As far as the 9 months being a difficult time, it was difficult because I was scared, didn't know what the h**l I was going to do and had to try to figure things out on my own. Then there were the last 2 months or so where I knew that I was going to be losing my child. That's what made my pregnancy much more difficult than any of the physical stuff. I didn't get to enjoy, the way I should have, my son growing inside of me.

Answer 2

I think it is to try and make it seem as if they have worse pain. Silly isn't it? Pain is pain.. and yes it is used to minimize a mothers loss of her child. This statement in no way reflects my story. My pain even 24 years later is huge, it is a gaping wound in my heart that will never go away. Not even with reunion does it ever go away.

Consider this: If I said- Adopters who are infertile want to make is seem ever so much worse to mourn what they don't have, they want to be sad about the money they spent in a futile effort to conceive and when they can't they choose adoption as a next best option. How about mouring what you could have, that has been stolen from you by lies and coercion and a society that does not support single mothers?

If I said that in any post I would be attacked like no tomorrow, and well it would be wrong to say it wouldn't it? Because how do I know that all infertiles are like that?

We all have pain, why cheapen it with statements like the above? Why try to minmize anyone elses pain? Aren't we all human? This is such a difficult subject, and personally I am sick of this sort of attitude. An infertiles pain can not be equated with my pain! I lost something tangible, they have lost a dream. Which do you think is worse? Hard choice isn't it?

Answer 3

I don't think it is meant as whos greif is bigger. I don't think most people realize the hurt that both bmoms and adoptive moms feel. there is pain for bmoms way past 9 months, the pain they feel is not going to stop the day they give birth. It sounds more like an adoptive parent wrote the answer and they are trying to justify the pain they feel with their infertility.

Answer 4

I (not that good with literature) think this is a comparison between 2 way a mother receive a child and see whose is worser.

And by how I read it, it's saying that a woman's/adoptive mother's pain of not having a child is even worser than a birth mother's 9 months pain. ( Am i making this more confusing? lol)

I think it's use to criticize mother who bitched about the 9 months pain of bearing a child that they go through when there are women out there that couldn't bear a child and would do anything just to have one.

And THAT, is my interpretation. Lol. Sorry for my bad english.

Answer 5

i think its just saying that even though a birth mother had a hard time, it doesnt mean that an adoptive parent had it easy

Answer 6

I think you're taking the question out of context.  I am suspsicious of your motives.  If you really wanted to know the "meaning" then you would have sent a private message to the person who posted it.  

Anyway, the way I read it was this.  Mothers who give birth (those who relinquish and those who don't) go through nine months of pregnancy, with all the difficult hormones that encompasses.  However, since the quote was given in response to a question asked about adoptive mothers and post partum despression, I think the answerer was trying to show that adoptive mothers are not free of the turmoil "pre-baby".  I don't think it was meant to be a competition, just an example.

Answer 7

What I can say about this quote is that the joy of having a baby is a wonderful experience, I am a mother I loved it. I don't knw if you to are a mom, but I understand what the quote is saying is even though an adoptive mother is helping a child she didn't conceive, her heart still yearns to go through that experience, it is only a gift that God can allow, and if some woman cannot have children it is very painful, because you've never gone through that experience before.

I hope this helps to answer your question

Answer 8

Both parents may suffer stress - just different forms.  In my opinion, I will never pretend to understand what a birth parent goes through in making an adoption plan or being coerced into an adoption plan.  It must be horrendous.

As an adoptive parent, I do know that there are stresses related to things as well.  

Again it is another case of every adoption has it's own story and we need to just see everyone has a side to the story - both birthparents and adoptive parents.  To say one's pain or stress is worse than another is unfair and disrespectful.

Answer 9

Well since it only took me 32 weeks instead of the normal 40 then I guess I know even less about the pain of pregnancy. Wow I had no idea that it was so trivial to deal with morning sickness, heartburn, sciatica, hemorrhoids,  stretch marks, engorgement, PPD, episiotomy, preterm labour, placenta previa, placental retention, possible spontaneous abortion, bleeding, having your membranes stripped, drinking 80 oz of water then having a radiologist pummel your stomach with a piece of plastic, internal exams on a bimonthly basis, blood work, drinking that vile orange goo before blood work, amniocentesis, swollen feet, having a head shoved into your lung, having your cervix punched and kicked, braxton hicks, your water breaking on you friends brand new couch, having your water broken only to find meconium staining, the great and wonderful "ring of fire", contraction, contractions, contractions... did I miss anything.

Yeah I get it, pregnancy and giving birth equals nothing. Just nurturing a life and bringing it into the world. So hey why not just give the kid away, not like you did anything worthwhile in having it right? Oh and forget about the pain, just live your life like all those things never happened. At least you were able to experience it. Don't all you "birth moms" feel better knowing you got to go through all that AND didn't have to raise it? No crying at three am to interrupt your promiscuous, drug addicted, alcoholic ways. Well apparently we all should.

Answer 10

I think that statment

1) minimizes the first mothers loss totally!

2) gives me the creepy idea that the original poster believes that those who have suffered from infertility somehow become elligible adoptive parents based solely on their suffering. Like parenting and child baring are a right of some kind.

3) doesn't even recognize the loss involved to the adoptee.

I didn't read the original statment, and, I'm glad I didn't.

peace!

Answer 11

So many terms and explanations! Birth mother, adoptive mother, natural mother, biological mother, and whatever else is the latest and  politically correct and even more offensive. Ultimately these are all really terms created by the adoption industry to quantify mothering and lessen the guilt felt by society...

As for the quote, you can see that the person is describing a state before a woman becomes a mother either through birth or through adoption... Clearly the person is not a mother and is absolutely unqualified to have an opinion.

Answer 12

Like the pain ENDS after nine months!  That is a statement from a very self-centered, immature, and shallow woman.  (And yes, it's a woman.  I've never known a man to mock or minimize conception and childbirth).

It's like someone saying that they always wanted to get married, so their pain is the same or worse as a widow.  Or someone who always wanted to buy a house, but never did, thinking their pain is as deep as a person who's home with all their belongings burned to the ground.

What's sickening about this, is this person with their childish, one-up-man-ship mentality is probably adopting a child, and 'suffering' all through that process, too.

Ugh.

Answer 13

WOW that statement is sickening.... I've had losses, and blessings . I've been blessed with a bio & adoptive child. I can't have anymore babies biologicaly and after what I went through with my daughter I don't even desire pregnancy. I know what my loss (before I had a live child)  felt like. IT was the worse feeling EVER and I had years of infertility and that was a walk in the park compared. No doubt losing you baby to stilborn or adoption hurts worse than anything EVEN INFERTILITY.

I don't miss beinging pregnant , but I'm most thankful that I did get to experience it.

Answer 14

It just serves to keep the pot stirring between adoptive parents and natural parents.  Both go through hardship.  Both suffer pain throughout the process of adoption.  One is not worse than the other.  Both of the hurts should be respected.

Answer 15

I don't think it's a pot-stirring statement, and I even doubt that the (core) issue is a "whose pain is worse?" sentiment. I think the primary  issue here is the writer being unable to separate infertility and adoption.

Scary stuff.