Help me with my mom!?

Question

My mom: stressed/hateful individual. She is always frustrated with my little brothers and she complains like crazy. She yells, a lot when she is frustrated. Living through this, I hate to admit, but I'm starting to get her temper, and I really, really don't want to be like that. She seems to have anger at people who are wealthier and she is hateful towards other races. She is rude to them, and I can't stop her or change her opinion. The worst thing is that she hates to admit. If she yells at me for the wrong reason, she will not say sorry, oh and that reminds me. Whenever I drop something or make a mistake and apologize she always says 'Sorry doesn't help', and that discourages me to be polite. How do I learn not to get her temper, and I realized that I tend to start yelling. Please help me, for my future.

Answer 1

I am saddened to hear of your mother's anger toward, well, life in general. Here is something that I hope will help:

The family is also Satan’s primary target. He is waging war on the family. One of his schemes is the subtle and cunning way he has of sneaking behind enemy lines and entering our very homes and lives.

He damages and often destroys families within the walls of their own homes. His strategy is to stir up anger between family members. Satan is the “father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another.” The verb stir sounds like a recipe for disaster: Put tempers on medium heat, stir in a few choice words, and bring to a boil; continue stirring until thick; cool off; let feelings chill for several days; serve cold; lots of leftovers.

“Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. “We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past. Ever notice how seldom we lose control when frustrated by our boss, but how often we do when annoyed by friends or family?” (“The New Obscenity,” Reader’s Digest, Dec. 1988, 24; emphasis added).

In his sophomore year William Wilbanks tried out for the high school basketball team and made it. On the first day of practice his coach had him play one-on-one while the team observed. When he missed an easy shot, he became angry and stomped and whined. The coach walked over to him and said, “You pull a stunt like that again and you’ll never play for my team” (23). For the next three years he never lost control again. Years later, as he reflected back on this incident, he realized that the coach had taught him a life-changing principle that day: anger can be controlled.

Anger is an uncivil attempt to make another feel guilty or a cruel way of trying to correct them. It is often mislabeled as discipline but is almost always counterproductive. Therefore the scriptural warning: “Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them,” and “fathers provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Col. 3:19, 21).

School thy feelings, O my brother;

Train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

But let wisdom’s voice control.

School thy feelings; there is power

In the cool, collected mind.

Passion shatters reason’s tower,

Makes the clearest vision blind. …

School thy feelings; condemnation

Never pass on friend or foe,

Though the tide of accusation

Like a flood of truth may flow.

Hear defense before deciding,

And a ray of light may gleam,

Showing thee what filth is hiding

Underneath the shallow stream.

School thy feelings, O my brother;

Train thy warm, impulsive soul.

Do not its emotions smother,

But let wisdom’s voice control.

You can choose to act and react like your mother or not, you decide. A soft word turneth away anger.

Answer 2

deep inside.. you have a will. you need to bring your will into your heart and believe in it. you need to show to your mom that you are sweet polite, and respectful. compromise with your little brothers and try to help them be respectful, kind, and polite. no matter how much your mom hurts you, she can never hurt your will as long as you believe into yourself.

talk to your friends about it... or if you want, you can talk to me about it.

i dont think asking your mom to calm down would help, but when she is in a temper, leave her alone, and just try not to bother her at all.

when she yells at you for the wrong reason, just think that deep inside she is probably sorry for it.

also when she doesnt want to admit it, try to just leave the case closed, and ignore it.

she may be going thru a phase. if she complains alot, try and save up money for the things she wants. i know that this is unfair, but most parents go thru something similar to this in some point in their life (i think) and they just need time to relax and straighten things out.

just be happy.  

Answer 3

first of all you need to tell your mom to relax. when my mom is stress i always need to talk to her to see what's on her mind.

but temper is not going to kill for the future. you need to have strenght. in other words WILL POWER.  

Answer 4

You are very right when you say that you cannot change her...because you can't. Also, it is a positive step that you do realize that you do not want to fall into her behavior. What you CAN do is to immerse yourself into new hobbies and/or activities to keep you out of the house and occupied.  Maybe you've always wanted to get into running or take karate or singing lessons. This is an opportunity for you to blow off some steam that can build up from frustration with your mom while being productive. Just know that you can't take it personally and unless you do something about it, nothing can change.  

Answer 5

All good advice here. I was just wondering, does your mother like tea? I ask because St. Johns' Wort tea with honey helps with mood regulation. I wouldn't tell her that, of course, Just start making it to go with breakfast. Wouldn't hurt to have it with lunch or dinner, too. It also has some good vitamins, you could tell her that. It would also help you keep your temper. I hope it helps you. Good luck.  

Answer 6

ANGER MANAGEMENT:  If you can't deal with it by using one of the techniques, such as counting backwards from 20, to 1, (and prevent yourself from making yourself angry, in the first place) is important to express that anger appropriately, at the time, and to the person who caused it, if possible, or immediately afterwards. If not, maybe by walking away later, and bellowing your rage and/or frustration. In some situations, such as work, or school, it might be better to cover your mouth with a cupped hand, bandanna/handkerchief, or use the crook of your elbow, to muffle the sound. Some people find that it helps to journal those thoughts, and emotions soon afterwards.

Anger, which is repressed, rather than healthily expressed, tends to fester, and later may cause explosive fits of rage, or depression. Let yourself feel the burning energy of that anger, and visualise it, as vividly as possible, as a hot flame cleansing you. It can help to have someone you can talk to. For more physically inclined people, a punching bag, or hitting your pillow, can be an effective release mechanism: visualise, as vividly as you can, that you are striking back at the cause of that anger. "But next time, when you get mad, just remember this quote: 'Those who anger you, conquer you.' It's basically saying that when you give someone the power to make you mad, or let it get to you, it's like they're controlling you.    

     When I realized that, it made me mad, so I try to control my anger and not let people see it. You can still control your anger without being walked all over. You just have to draw a line." Try saying to yourself, in your mind: "I am fire! I am ice!". Repeat for as long as it takes for you to calm down sufficiently. Anger management is addressed in much more detail than can be included here, in section 4, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris

Answer 7

Try to keep in mind, and this is hard to do, that your mom does not want to be this way, in fact she probably has a lot of self hate and her hate gets directed toward others. You can't change her, no matter how nice you are or smart. Only she can change herself.

What you can do is change how you react. Talk to someone you trust, a school counselor can help and believe me they have heard it all. The counselor can help you find help.

A person can influence another person but cannot change them, all change comes from within.

Could you teach a 2 year old algebra? Of course not. Change what is possible, Meaning YOU and you will cope with your mom in a healthier way. Good luck!

Answer 8

its all about will power.  If you know that you dont want to be like that the best thing is to force yourself to be the opposite.  Its hard at first because you arent used to it but once you do it for a while (like anything) it becomes second nature.  Just tough it out and do it and then soon its gonna be a breaze!!  Good luck to you. I think that's great that you want to be a better person.  I hope everything works out!