Question:

Help...my brother-in-law wrote this poem and wanted feedback on it. I don't how to sum it up. Any thoughts?

by  |  earlier

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Title: Vermilion Tales

He let the sun set until the sky was black,

And he couldn't see,

So he had darkness.

The darkness in his mind was black,

But the darkness on his skin was red.

Lacerations from pain and for pain.

I asked him to tell me his story,

So he read his arm for me.

He told me that straight lines meant pain,

Pain from deep within the heart.

The kind of pain that is direct and unmistakable,

Like a straight line.

He told me that jagged lines meant anger,

Uncontrolled and going in every direction,

As his anger flowed down both sides of his body.

His entire being.

He told me that diagonal lines meant sorrow,

Misinterpreted and vague,

And covered over the pain and anger.

Sorrow seemed to get in the way -

It made the rest of the story difficult to read.

He continued from his wrist to his elbow,

The lines getting longer and thicker

As the story progressed.

When I thought he was finished, he lifted his sleeve,

And began chapter two of his autobiography.

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8 ANSWERS


  1. The poem announces itself as a story about 'cutting' from the very beginning.  It sounds like he may be trying to tell you about a problem he may have had or has.  Or perhaps he is 'relating.'   Then again, if you 'cut' then perhaps he is trying to reach out to you.


  2. it is so nice

  3. Lots of heart, I'm glad you and he shared it. It needs fewer words, arrived at two ways: (1) condense expressions such as "uncontrolled and going in every direction" and (2) cut the phrases that tell us how to feel ("the kind of pain that is direct and unmistakable") and just tell a story that lets us originate the feelings ourselves. When there are 100 fewer words this poem will be strong and direct. Thanks for letting us see it.

  4. Depends on if he considers you someone who knows something about poetry or not.  Is he just showing it to anyone that will listen, or is he trying to impress you more than anyone else?

  5. I dont get it, but he has talent.

  6. It is really amazing and it has a lot of symbolism which makes it very interesting.

  7. Poetry

    Your Brother-In-Law has an enomous talent! This story would be better with couplets because from a quick glance it will seem more intriguing to read. I like it a lot but others won't be attracted by a long read with being entertained by rhymes.  Here's an example...

    A CRIMSON TALE

    The darkness on his mind was black

    But the darkness on his skin was red,

    The lacerations burned his arms and back

    But blackness seared inside his head -

    With the heat came a painstaking story

    Through the torture in his words he revealed,

    His arms donned the sun's full glory

    In a straight line a mesage concealed.

    A pain ran deep within his heart

    A burning that was so unmistakable,

    Tattoos make you suffer through the art

    But the memory is so d**n unbreakable!

    In the darkness formed an explanation

    That the jagged line was anger and scorn,

    He questioned it's crooked formation

    It filled him with hate and forelorn.

    Uncontrolled it spread in all directions

    Something that rarely ever tricked him,

    Pain came in waves and sucessions

    Statistically he was a burn victim.

    He continued from his wrist to his elbows

    As the lines grew longer and thicker,

    Rapidly as the story goes on -

    The pain became stronger and quicker!

    At this point he was more than seething in pain

    It was harder to pacify me,

    So he rolled up his shirt sleeves over again

    For Chapter Two of his biography.

    He has my blessings to become a great author and by God, I shall drink to that!  

    Grade  A -

  8. Very long,

    Has he never thought of verses.

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