Help needed in dealing with in-laws about my adopted children.....?

Question

My husband and I have 2 children in which we have adopted. We adopted our daughter when she was 4 years old, and she is now 6. My in-laws have never really bonded with her. They have 4 other grandchildren who get their undivided attention (and money), but my daughter gets nothing. I even had to buy pictures frames and physically hang her picture on their wall for it to be seen. The other 4 grandkids get $20 a month EVERY MONTH that goes into a savings account for them. It started at birth and ends when they turn 18. My daughter gets NOTHING. Just recently my husband and I adopted a newborn baby boy. My in-laws absolutely love our new son. They constantly want to hold him and love on him. They have even gone to the store many times and bought stuff for him that they thought was cute. I am happy that they love him, but it hurts me that they don't do my daughter the same way. She doesn't even get birthday presents from them. We've talked to them, but nothing works. Help!!

Answer 1

Don't talk to them and tell them how they ought to behave, ask them why they treat your daughter differently.  Chances are, they won't be able to say much, and they'll hopefully realize what jerks they are being.

Then, say you don't think it's healthy for your family to be around someone that treats your daughter differently, and you are concerned for her health, and feel it is best to cut ties, unless they can change.  If your husband doesn't support this, you might have to consider something different.  

Your daughter may already have issues about adoption, and to be further rejected by these grandparents is cruel  I wouldn't take her around idiots like them anymore.  Good luck!

Answer 2

I dont really know how to tackle that one but what I would suggest is using the old "its both of them or not at all" technique.  So in the future if your in-laws offer to babysit sit your baby for you, you turn round and say they can but they have to have your daughter at the same time too.  

They should be ashamed of themselves for leaving your daughter out and whats more the rest of your family should be ashamed too because their children are getting money while yours arent.  Im sorry to hear your situation but I expect the only way around it is to have it out with them and tell him what you think.  This will end up causing resentment between you all otherwise and as your daughter grows up she will realise whats been happening.

My brother has step-children and my parents treat them exactly the same as their natural grandchildren.  They get the same pocket money and same amount spent on them at christmas and things.  

Good luck to you.  I hope it works out.

Answer 3

wow thats messed up, if you talked to them then you cant really make them like her or give her money...

Answer 4

That is completely NOT right coming from them!  If i were you i would give them an ultimatum and say if they do not treat the children equally they cannot see your son.  I wouldn't know what else to do about it, since you have already talked to them about it.  Good luck!  Hopefully something works because it's not fair to your little girl!

Answer 5

I'm sorry but, you need to tell your in-laws what you are feeling and cut off communication with them until they change. This is completely unfair to your daughter and her seeing this now probably makes her sad but will later make her angry and resentful toward her brother.

Answer 6

Let me  tell you... I know EXACTLY what your daughter is going through!  This sounds, word for word, like my situation!  My grandparents on my fathers side had 22 grandchildren... only two of whom were adopted:  Myself and my brother.  Because all of us (except my brother) were born within the same 4 years, I was the odd kid out.  

You're doing great.  You can't force your in-laws to bond with her.  Just keep showing her that YOU love her.  Getting her things when they get your new son things is the same way my mom handled it and, believe me, it really made it easier.  It always hurt when we'd all go to Grandma Z's house and I'd be the only one there who didn't get any presents... But I always got something special from my parents when we got home.

Then, lo and behold, my parents were able to adopt my little brother when I was 10 years old.  And, in the spirit of my usual luck, my Grandparents coddled him like you wouldn't believe!  I think the reason this happened is because he was the last grandchild... he was so much younger than everybody else and there's always excitement about a new baby!

You're right to worry that she'll probably find out and eventually resent her grandparents... I know I sure did!  And I know that my father, to this day, gets upset about the fact that I was never close with his parents.  (He was their first child)  I even overheard my grandma tell my mother once, when I was only 7, that if God had meant for her to have kids, he would've given her the ability to have her own.  Imagine how that makes a 7 year old feel!

The thing is, despite my Grandparent's obvious lack of affection towards me, I never felt wanting for love.  My mom and dad gave me more love than I ever knew what to do with!  I wasn't wanting for anything and throughout my life I've been as happy and healthy as I can be.  You sound like a great mom... all you can do is continue to support and love your daughter and make sure she knows it.

Which it sounds like you're already doing a GREAT job of!

Answer 7

It is one thing to treat the other grandchildren differently than the one adopted when they are from different families.  That sometimes happens even with all bio children, in fact happened to me growing up.  (my one grandma would only bake cookies for the other kids, because we "were too fat")  Ah memories.  But I digress....

When it comes to siblings though that is where you have control.  She treats them the same or she gets contact wth none.  She doesn't even have to truly bond with her, but at least go through the motions as any grandparent should do.

Best of luck.

Answer 8

i.m sorry to hear that

when my kids were younger their grand parents on his side

had a norther grand daughter gave her every thing not mine

one day out of the blue she showed up with dippers

i told her i did.nt  want them and if she can,t not treat all grand kids the same the h**l with her my kids didn,t need her

you under stand what i,m saying

your little girl real one day ask you why grand ma don,t love her like she does the others

so why not stop it now be for she gets her

stand your grand with her tell her ifshe going to bring some for your son she needs to bring some thing for her and if dhe can,t love her like the others tell her to stay a way

this might seem mean to you but it might work for you

me i never cared if she came back a round

as long as you love them that is what counts  i know it bothers you she does this but don,t let it get to you just stop it now be for one of your kids get their feeling \s hurt when they get older  i for one don,t under stand why people act this way p**s,s me off treat them the same or non at all

i treat all my grand babies the same i love all of them

Answer 9

I'd cut those people out of your life.  They are toxic and your husband should have been appalled by now of the harm they are doing to your daughter.  People like this disgust me and your husband isn't much of a father to continue to tolerate it, IMHO. My BIL's son cut his own mother out of his life when she did the same thing to them (treating an adopted child and step-child as if they didn't exist).  They are happier with their blended family because of it.

Answer 10

Well when my parents first adopted me at the age of 5 my mom's parents refused to give me any attention cause I wasn't a baby or there own flesh and blood maybe they just don't feel comfortable did you talk to them before you got the baby cause if you didn't then they may be mad you just have to give it some time but you better hurry cause you don't want her growing up thinking she has no grandparents who love her. (by the way this might be a little bad but I'm only I'm 13)

Answer 11

What gets into people when they can't see the beauty in all children?  I will never know.  If they don't want to give your daughter money or gifts, there's no way to make them.  But know that your daughter will receive special blessings in other ways that the others won't.  I personally wouldn't want them around any of my children if they favored one and not the others.  I wouldn't accept anything from them either.

Answer 12

I would suggest family therapy. I think if a therapist brings out your emotions on the way you feel, they will share their own feelings which can be helpful.;

Answer 13

Wow!  As an adoptee who was treated differently by my a.mom; as the mother of children who were treated differently by my a.parents/their grandparents; as a step mom now with 3 grandkids ("bio" & "step" - which, BTW, I would NEVER otherwise make a distinction between them except to answer this question...they are ALL just 'OUR GRANDKIDS' ...PERIOD!); here is my response.

Many families are initially formed by MARRIAGE, yes? It's SAD when people define "family" by blood alone. They have a severely limited ability to love...and in the long run THEY are the ones who LOOSE the love they could otherwise enjoy by their own CHOSEN behavior.

I understand that sometimes as humans we may FEEL more connected to one child or grandchild ... but how we BEHAVE is a decision!  Because my a.mom favored my sister (her bio child) so OBVIOUSLY, I decided early on that I'd NEVER show favoritism to my kids...but would instead find something unique to connect with in each of them.  (turns out, this wasn't a problem!)

Sadly, while your daughter may not need the $$, she will most certainly know that her grandparents value her cousins more than they value her. That is PAINFUL for any one.

I agree that any discussion with the in-laws must come from your husband b/c they're his parents. Hopefully the two of  you are united on this issue. And seriously, I would severely limit the grandparents access to your children for your KIDS  PROTECTION if your in-laws refuse to change their behavior.  

Because of my parents behavior & in-laws through re-marriage, I've had to explain to my daughter that sadly, not all people see "family" as forever (in the case of divorce) or that families extend beyond 'blood' relatives.  Be prepared to explain to your daughter that some people have a limited ability to love.  

God bless you & your family!

Answer 14

Make it clear that your family is a package deal, as adults if they are making a child feel not good enough or bad in any way you do not need them. It is your job to protect your children from other adults physical or psychological abuse.

Answer 15

You and your husband need to talk to them and explain it is not acceptable.  If they can't treat her like their new grandson and the rest of the kids then perhaps you may not allow them to be as involved in your kids or your lives.  That is VERY unfare of them!

I am 35 and was adopted, all of my grandparents loved and treated me like every other grandkid.

Explain to them that your daughter has asked why many times and these are the things she will remember as she gets older and they need to rethink their actions before they hurt her more and ruin any chance of a relationship with her forever

Answer 16

It sounds to me like you don't want to step on toes, so my answer might not work for your family.  I'm a whole lot less tolerant of my family's "black sheep" behavior (then again, I'm the black sheep, so I had to toughen up).  My response would be, every single time they buy something for your son, I'd give it back to them and say, "In this family, we treat our children equally."  I would also make it clear to them that if they do not start giving your daughter the same amount of time, attention, and affection (and NOT in a passive-aggressive way), then they can simply remove themselves from your life.

They're adults, and they ought to be able to control their behaviors a little better.  I don't care if they "bonded" with her or not - that's THEIR problem, not your daughter's.  That doesn't prevent them from opening a bank account or giving her the same number of hugs and kisses.  Their feelings just don't count.

Answer 17

Is it possible to talk with them and tell them if they can't include your daughter as one of their grandchildren, you will have to make some choices about not being around them at holidays, etc. so that as both of your children grow older they won't have to deal with the inequity of the situation?

It's hard to believe adults can behave in such a manner.  What's worse is that it hurts the children.  Do they respond at all when you talk to them? I hate your and your daughter have to go through this.  The best to you and your family.  The important thing is that your children obviously have very caring, loving parents...and you will see to it that they are properly nurtured and loved.  

Just keep the dialog open with them,  take pictures your daughter draws over and hang them on their refrigerator (if they'll allow it), keep them as involved as you possibly can, and hopefully they will come around.  If not, it's their loss.

Answer 18

i would refuse any gifts for your son and tell them that it isn't fair since they ignore your daughter and yet dote on the son. Until they start treating ALL the grandkids fairly and equally that you will not accept gifts for one of your children while the other one is slighted and ignored by them.

I would also make it clear that until they can treat them fairly and the same in what they do that you will not be visiting them either.  It will then be THEIR CHOICE to see their grandkids or not rather than yours feeling as if you are exposing your children to unfair situations from grandparents.  

What they are doing is WRONG WRONG WRONG on so many levels and unfortunately it is probably going to take something drasatic in measure to wake them up before they realize it.  I'm sure even at 6 your daughter is starting to realize she is being unfairly treated by them and the resent is probably all ready starting, even if it is not surfacing or showing yet.  You need to do what is best for your kids, not the grandparents in this situation. There is no excuse for their behavior just because your children are adopted.  To use that as an excuse to treat them differently is wrong and makes my blood boil at the thought of it since I am an adoptive mother myself to a little boy who is the center of my world.  If someone ever did him that way I'd be more than ticked, I'd be closer to enraged irate.

Answer 19

That is COMPLETELY SCREWED UP

You absolutely MUST talk to them again and again until they get it through their thick heads

Otherwise Cut ALL contact with them, and your husband MUST Be on board with that or kick him to the kerb as well.

That is so bad, money aside not to even acknowledge her birthday Blah

Tell them to start getting to know her or they can p*ss off out of your lives totally.

I''m so sorry that they are doing this to you..

Answer 20

YOUR HUSBAND (note: Not you...his parents he deals with it)

Need to sit down calmly, not in front of the children and discuss this....he needs to lay it out EXACTLY how it happens.

You know the other grandkids are getting $20 a month...why isn't she?

Why won't they hang her photo up?

Tell them flat out...what they do for your son, they do for her, if not they can't give to either one of them.

They give them both attention, both love, both material things, or they are not welcome in your fmaily.  They've had 2 years to get on board.

Answer 21

I actually think this is more serious than you think.  It is NOT okay for your in-laws to treat one of their grandchildren differently, no matter what their bond.  If she is being singled out to not get presents, pictures displayed, things the other children are known to get, that isn't just a lack of a bond, that is BEHAVIOR that is intentionally hurtful.  It is a major thing to cut off ties with family members, but if this behavior won't stop, then you need to do it because it WILL be noticed by your daughter if it already isn't (and it surely is).  It is absolutely not okay to let your child endure this emotional wounding, and you need to stop it for her.  You can't tell your in-laws how to feel, but you can tell them that your children will get equal treatment among each other and among their cousins in the extended family or they will not be allowed in your lives.

Answer 22

they are just jerks and need new lives

Answer 23

On one level, I'd say "what can you do about a grand-parent that doesn't to treat one of their grand-children like the others".  I mean it's not like these kids are owed anything by these people.

But on another level, it's going to one day become quite apparent to the adopted daughter that her brother is being treated by favoritism.  

So the best suggestion I can come up with (at the risk of alienating both children from their grand-parents) is to tell them how they seem to be favoring one of your children over the other and you want that to stop.  If they continue to give gifts to one child and not the other, you always have the power to refuse the gifts.

Answer 24

That poor little thing. How sad. Sorry but I would be telling them in our house our children are treated equally so if you bring something for 1 you must do the same for the other or don't bring anything at all end of story .

Answer 25

Truthfully, the only thing tha matters here is your daughter and her feelings.

Tell those in laws of yours that from this point on you will be giving your daughter birthday gifts and saying that the gifts are  from them.  You will also be matching whatever they give to the other grand kids and you will be giving that to your daughter.  The only thing that is required of them is to act as if they are the ones that are giving her those things.

BIOTCHES!

EDIT:   You mentioned that you put $450 in her account each month.  Is it possible that they think she doesn't need their $20?   Of course, it doesnt make it right.. i was just wondering.