Help - needy relatives and wedding?

Question

I don't mean needy as in poor, I mean needy of our time and attention... My sis and I are having a double wedding 9/1 and we have no Maids of Honor (we're each other's MOH) or bridesmaids and our mother is severely handicapped so she can't help us. OK, so the problem is we are doing this all ourselves (no professional coordinator) and my question is about needy relatives. For example, my future in-laws want to stay at our house and have us drive them to and from the wedding. An aunt wants to "help" us plan the wedding but hasn't offered to drive to our houses to help so I think she wants us to drive to her hotel so she can help... My mother (and other relatives) keep asking if we're going to have a get-together after the wedding, or a brunch before, and it's all I can do to plan this wedding, let along parties before and after. We're paying for all of this ourselves and also coordinating all of it ourselves (OK, maybe we should have MOHs for this reason, but too late now). I feel like I could use some help and instead everyone wants us to do more. Help!

Answer 1

First of all, absolutely do you NOT have to put your inlaws up and drive them too and from the wedding. What a load of lazy, shiftless people!  They can get off their own butts and pay for it themselves.

Don't expect help, so don't plan more than you can do yourself.  My suggestion is to plan for 'refreshments after ceremony' reception and make certain your locale will allow that.  Order a sheet cake from Sams and pick up some plates with fruit and cheese, coffee, tea, and pop and leave it at that.  

All my help is coming from my guy's 3 teenagers.  They've been pretty good about doing their part (they requested), so I'm pretty proud of them.

Other than the dresses, arranging the facility to be married in, the officient, and tuxes or suits, some flowers and a photographer, anything else you can add is just gravy.  You honestly don't need the rest of the hoopla.

Answer 2

I sense that you are usually a relaxed, calm person but the stress of planning the wedding is making you lose this prospective.  I also understand where the relatives requests are coming from, as I have made the same one and believe it is what they are asking also.

What they probably mean is 'The whole family is together, something that doesn't happen too often and we want to prolong the time together as long as possible'.  However I offered this option.  We are all staying at ???? Hotel (in many rooms). It had a pool.  After the wedding and reception, do you guys (Bride & Groom) think you would feel like coming to hotel and having a poolside party with us.  We'll order Pizza and get some beer, wine & soda.  She loved the idea and I, with many aunts and cousins put it into motion and told her to put the word out to anyone interested in joining us, it was BYOB.  We paid for a couple of Pizza's, everyone bought their own beer, etc.  We had a lot of fun, no stress, just the enjoyment of being together, gabbing and picture taking.

If this is an option for you, ask one of your aunts, cousin if they would mind coordinating this for both of you.  Ask young cousins who don't have a lot of money to spend on a wedding gift, that the best gift to you would be their time, 'taking people back and forth', doing this or that.  

You might be surprised how much help is out there, people who would love nothing better than to lend a hand, you just have to give them a specific task!

Answer 3

talk to the future in laws and tell them that  they need to drive themselves.. staying at your place is totally up to you but the driving I would say is they need to do it themselves.. The bride and groom should leave together not with parents in tow.. yes planning a wedding is alot. but you should be thinking about the reception.. you can have one the night before after the rehearsal or you can have it after the wedding.. It can be very simple.. .. Just dont let everythign get to you. You can do this.. you do have each other.. that is a very big thing.. congradulations.  

Answer 4

its a little thrown together at the last minute if the wedding is about 2 weeks away to not know the specifics....i mean if wedding planners can do this by themselves then you two should be able to pull it off....as for the relatives tell them to back off and you will contact them with further info and tell the inlaws that you already have ppl staying at your house so they cant stay there....but this couldve have been avoided if you planned well in advance

Answer 5

As hard as it is, you need to put your foot down firmly but politely.

Re: the in-laws.  Having them stay with you might not be so bad if you set up ground rules and boundaries.  Tell them that they can stay with you but that you guys will be busy so you can't play gracious host, so they're going to be on their own for meals, entertainment and transportation.  They can feel free to use the kitchen and you can help them find a rental car service.  My parents had my sister's in-laws staying with them and they did all the grocery shopping, cooking and household chores while my mother made bridesmaids' dresses and groomsmen's vests in her sewing room for a week before the wedding.  She now believes all mothers of the bride deserve live-in household help for that week.  :)

As for your aunt, tell her politely that while you appreciate her offer, you think you have everything under control, so she can feel free to just enjoy the wedding.

Your relatives that want a get-together:  "It would be a lot of fun, but really we haven't the time or the cash to pay for another party.  If you'd like to host a little something I can get you a list of people to invite, but otherwise I think we're going to have to skip it, I'm sorry."

Be strong.  Enjoy your wedding(s).  Best wishes!

Answer 6

You could plan a wedding meeting at your house on a certain day and time, for the relatives to help with favors or invitations or programs, or whatever it is that you feel that you can let them do without your immediate supervision. Plus, you should just tell them the time and place and let them worry about the transportation.

Also, if you have the extra money you should rent your in-laws a car for the day of the wedding, and simply explain that although you want them to be at the wedding there are simply too many last minute things that you are responsible for on the wedding day to have the extra responsibility of picking them up and taking them back. If funds are low, ask your aunt to transport them.

Also, a great way to get them involved, and out of your way, is to ask them to plan a small reception after the wedding. Even if it is at your house. Let them know that would really be a lot of help and would save you time and money, and it would be the best thing they could do for you. Unless your wedding is a night wedding, I would discourage a brunch before, because of time constraints, and the traditions that the bride and groom aren't supposed to see one another the day of the wedding until walking down the aisle.

If none of that works, simply sit down with the in-laws and your fiancee and explain to them that you really want their help and participation but that together you both feel a greater burden is being placed upon you. Hopefully, it won't come to that conversation (because believe me, I wouldn't want to have it either) but remember, this is your (and your sister's) wedding. You aren't doing it to please anyone else, you are doing it because you are in love and you want to share that joy with and make a commitment in front of your families. The only people you should be trying to please are you and your fiancee. And your sister and her fiancee.  

Answer 7

Maybe get a brother or cousin to drive them, you can pay them like $50 to do it (25 from you 25 from your sister) or see if the grooms will step in, it takes them less time to get ready. As for the party, get a party tray from wal-mart, and have something in your backyard.

Answer 8

if they say they want to help assign them a task (one that cant get too screwed up) and let them do it They will be busy and helping and hope fully out of your hair. If they ask for a before or after party tell them you have not planned one due to time and money. But tell them "if you would like to plan and pay for it I would be grateful" That should let them know where you stand without being rude. while giving them a chance to "help"

Answer 9

Tell them all to BACK OFF they are wrecking your wedding.

Answer 10

you need to explain to them what you are willing to do ...just because your mother is in a wheelchair is no reason she can not put on a spread before the wedding and get the aunt over to help her...she an adult so deligate this job to her and release yourself from this obligation. Let your mother and aunt handle this part alone and let them have at it...you get a pre-wedding brunch and they feel they have contributed...and as far as driving anyone...that's what limos are for ....Let them rent one themselves....you are doing enough and just tell them that they are incharge of getting there themselves you will be to busy getting ready....Relax and enjoy your day.

Answer 11

Easily solved, it's your wedding, do as you see fit. Don't be rude to anyone of course, but let them know what you just said on here. You are doing it all yourself, and you don't have the time or money to do everything everyone wants done. Let them know you would appreciate the help but you'll need them to come to you. Tell your relatives that you won't be able to do anything the day of your wedding except get ready and focus on the wedding itself.