Help....what shall I do about my husband???

Question

He's Australian...when we met I made it clear I would never live in Oz...I am from the UK...he accepted this and we married and now have 2 children 4 years and a baby of 5 months. He wants us to live in Oz now...for 3 years he says...but what's the point? We have no house of our own in the UK and will have nowhere to return to...my eldest is now at school...I have lived in Oz for a year just to try it and I hated it..he has no family apart from his Mother ..I have a large extended family with a lot of little cousins that are a big part of my kids lives...I told him that if he is homesick we could have an extended holiday but he says we cannot afford it...I said HE could go alone, maybe for 2 months....but that's not good enough for him and he wants to go for 6 months...I am shocked as he loves his kids so much ...is he trying to blackmail me? Use emotional games to make me go there? I don't see him doing it...he has been saying since the kids were born that he wanted us to live there and he knows I wont...wouldn't he have gone already if he had it in him to leave? To be honest I hated Oz so much I would rather live in the UK as a single parent....the rows are making me feel ill and deppressed...I wake up and am happy...then I remember and I feel awful. I love him..but it is my life too...what good will a miserable Mum be to two girls who are used to a happy one? He reckons we should buy a house in Oz and rent it out and then return to UK...but that sounds stupid to me...dollar to pounds we'd be out of pocket!

Answer 1

Bye has given you very good advice.

Your husband is being unfair. You have been straight with him from the start of your relationship and told him you do not want to go. He should not be putting pressure on you now.

It seems to me like he is trying to use emotional blackmail. I have very little respect for any man that does that.

You follow your heart and stick to your guns. Your children deserve you happy.

You are in my thoughts.

Answer 2

This is a pretty big problem you have. Well I think you should find out the true reason why he wants to go back home. Maybe he misses friends or his mum or just being back there. But lets not forget you and the kids. If I were you I would sit him down lay out everything on your side and let him lay out his side and I'm sure you guys will have a better clue about where to go from there.  

Answer 3

I agree you shouldn't go.   You have been there and hate it.    And I think he is trying to ask for 6 months,  so that sooner or later he gets his way.

Like you said you hated  it  so much,  that you would rather be a single mom,  in UK than everyone together at OZ.

  Something similar has happened to me.   My husband knows,  I wouldn't want to live in a hot climate year round.  Yet after we got married he has said he wants to move to Florida USA.  We live in a cold state.    So I reminded him that at no time did I agree to move  there.  That if he had ideas of living there,  he should have made them clear to me before the I do's.

He no longer bothers me with it.  Once in awhile he says Florida this and that.  But I ignore it.

Your husband should think of the children.  There are 4  of you and he is the only one that wants to leave.  The rest out number him.

Answer 4

Hi love

well what a dilemma however when you married you made it plain that you would not live in OZ.  It seems he hoped that once the children arrived you would change your mind,  it is

always unwise to go into a marriage with an idea that your partner will change it never works.  You have tried speaking to him, you have been to Australia an hated it, so it basically comes down to tthree  things  Does he want you to go knowing your going to feel isolated, homesick and depresssed which will badly affect the children.  2. He accepts that forcing you to do something you don't want to do by using emotional blackmail, this  will not make a marriage stronger it will destroy it.  Ask yourself what is their in Oz that he does not have here? why is he so desperate to go like you say he has no one their so what is the real problem.  If your relationship is a little rocky it may be that he hopes by taking you abroad it will save the relationship  ( It won't)  I know that I have presenting you with more questions however they are important things you need to consider.  Write him a letter and tell him how you feel that forcing you to do something you don't want to do is making you depressed and this will affect the children.  It is harder to ignore something when it is in black and white.

if this does not work  you must ask yourself how long do you want to continue in a relationship with a person that is being self centred , and does not take your feeling into consideration.

When you love someone you would not want to make them do something they did not want to do knowing it would make them feel bad.

Answer 5

I hope you are working just in case this doesn't work out sounds like he wants to ease back home. You'll be giving up your entire life leaving which was not the initial agreement. Sit down with him and go over your options. Consider summer time and this Christmas vacation see how it goes, but sending him alone for two months is risky. If he hooks up with someone back home you'll end up blaming yourself its good that he wants his family with him.  

Answer 6

Maybe he loves Australia as much as you love UK. Don't forget,he has his roots there. There seems to be only one solution out here.Let him stay in OZ for six months initially,if thts what he wants.You too can join him for a month or two along with your kids. Then,he'll be in a good mood,since he got what he wanted.During this time, you can convince him tht your permanent residence will be in UK and you all can go together to OZ and stay there for a month or two (during kid's school vacation) every year.All he has to do is strengthen his financial situation so as to make the holidays affordable.Tht shud please him enough and you too shudn't be sulking about it coz 4-8wks in OZ once a year is not tht bad a deal.Afterall,its his motherland. And don't worry about your kids being uprooted.Actually,they may love these holidays coz they too hav Australian blood in them.

Marriage is made up of sacrifices and give and take. Don't gift your kids a broken home,so early in life,for such petty reasons.

Answer 7

You are right that u need to consider your children, and if you dont want to go there then dont go.

You have to think both ways here though, what if u had gone to oz and met someone, fell in love, then had kids, and then wanted to go back to the UK?

he is feeling like that and if he is so adamant about going he would have gone by now, hes waiting for u to finally give in and go, but there will be a strain on your relationship sooner or later untill u both make a mutual decision.

You need to either go with him, stay at home with him, or let him go alone. u need to talk about this together and agree on something that will work best.

You both want different things and it cant go on like that

good luck

x

Answer 8

your instincts seem to be real good here Daisy as you seem to make perfect sense to me....OK this doesn't help much but atleast it's a starting point as your kids future is paramount and you have shown flexibility with offering to let him travel for a few months.  stick with it as you're not being unreasonable and after some thought he may change his mind.

Answer 9

I only got as far as 'He's Australian' to know he will be a two-bit waster.

Divorce, or John-Wayne Bobbit him.

Answer 10

I was in your situation and I sympathise. I write this from experience:

The exchange rate will not work in your favour and you run the risk of never being able to return to the UK. Australian salaries are far lower and, although you could get a nice house for much less cash, if you sell up and return to the UK, it's going to be far tougher to buy a house than it is now.

The kids are entitled to Australian Citizenship and will more than likely travel Oz when they're older. The fact is, you made it clear that you didn't want to return to Oz from the beginning. He accepted this and shouldn't pressure you now. My Aussie partner made a similar promise, as did a lot of others in the Country. And then changed their minds as it was no longer convenient to keep to their word. Of course, these actions were rationalised ad nauseum, but that's not any justification.

Additionally, you'll have to pay for flights, packing & shipping fees (it's quite a long way so it's not cheap). When you get there, you'll buy new furniture, a car, numerous appliances, which you'll throw away when you leave. But here's the thing, if you decide to go and your husband decides to stay...you won't leave because you'll be stuck there with no friends or family, no cash and 2 children.

Please think long and hard about this as it'll be very difficult to get out of this. Send him over on an extended holiday. If you can't afford an airline ticket, you certainly can't afford to uproot your whole family.

Answer 11

There are three certainties in life. Death, Taxes and The Wife's Always Right. Trust your instincts. His reasons for going aren't as good as your reasons for staying. Stay strong and don't give in to it.

Big moves like that are terrible for children.

Answer 12

mm... that is a hard situation!

if i was in you position i would live there for a while, then return!

i am from the UK too and am planing on moving out but not that far...

just talk to him and tell him how you feel.. end of the day it is your life! enjoy it!

good luck!  

Answer 13

You should alternate, as in live in Oz for sixmonths and uk for another six months, this is actually a hard situation and you guys have to agree on what is best for you.

Answer 14

Not trying to sound harsh, but he is your own husband. You should confront him about it and tell him that you're unhappy. If this doesn't work maybe you should see a social worker.