Help with a Student's Feelings.

Question

I have run into a snag, having to do with a student I formally had. Going back some, I was subbing for two years for a teacher that had gone on leave, this being my first real job, I found the first year unusually uneventful. However, in the second year of my substituting I had a student who was having some problems in her life that I didn't really notice at first until I spoke with her some more and watched her actions. Talking on field trips and after school , we became friendly but, had some issues between us along the way. I told a counselor of her problems which I didn't realize she only wanted my ears to hear but, it opened my eyes some to what might have been unfolding.

Around the time the first semester of the year was ending the student moved, by this time, I had suspicions of what she might have felt for me just by reading off her actions but, I put it off as me flattering myself. She visited once or twice and I always made time for her even when she would leave the room for most of her visit.

Now that that long story is out of the way it's time to move on to my current problem. When her close friend was graduating, she returned to visit for graduation, and her actions nearly proved my suspicions. (Crying with a hug, ands rare smile).

My problem is, as dear as this student is to me, she is a student. I really don't know how to let her down easy without hurting her, or how to prevent our relationship from coming to that. I know it would take great courage for her to confess especially seeing how much of a tomboy she is. Don't get me wrong, I do care for her and she is a sweet girl which is why I just don't want her to feel hurt.

I know there is very little chance of us seeing each other again, even though I asked for her email and would like to see her, I don't see it happening. I just want to be prepared

Answer 1

Do NOT email her (you never should have asked her for her address).

Students have developed crushes on teachers forever.  Eventually, as the student matures, the crush will fade into distant memory.

If ever you see her again, keep it public, casual and short.  

A teacher's job is to help students on to the next part of their lives.  It is always a honour to have a former student visit, so do tell them that when it happens and let them do all the talking - about where they are on their life's path.  End with a wish for them to look forward to the next good thing (or, if life is a struggle, end with where they can go to get help).

A wise teacher notices the crush and NEVER acknowledges it in any way.  Be flattered when it happens, but never acknowledge it to the student.  (That would embarrass them forever.)  Treat all your students with care and respect and equally.

Anything else may well cost you your career, integrity, and everything that matters to you.

Trust me on this - I've been a teacher and a teacher union president and have seen first hand how even the appearance of anything else can cost a teacher everything.  

Answer 2

We aren't paying you to be their friends.  We are paying you to teach them.  Just do your flippin' job and leave the personality at home. If you have to have kids for friends, your social life must be pretty bleak.  

Answer 3

You prevent your relationship from crossing the line by, well, not crossing the line.

You don't need to have a conversation about how nothing is going to happen. If she says or does things that are ambiguous or seem as if they could have romantic interpretation, you respond to them as if they did not have that content.

This is also the best face-saver for her. IOW, you can't reject what you don't acknowledge. If you make her "confess" feelings just so you can shoot her down, she gets to feel hurt and humiliated. If she walks away feeling that you apparently don't at all see her that way and are oblivious to her interest, she's merely disappointed.

Answer 4

No matter what you do, she's going to be hurt.  If she isn't 18 years old, then please, for both of you, break it off.  You could be endangering your job if you have any kind of relationship with her.