Help with abusive father?

Question

My father was very abusive, physically, emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally towards my mum and us (me and 3 other brothers). 13 years ago, they got divorce, my dad threw my mum out of the house. After divorce he didn't let us see my mum and said she left us and we have to hate her. At that time we were financially dependent on him, we were seeing my mum in secret, but had to agree with him on the surface. We came abroad to UK and became Christian. My dad is still in Iran and Muslim. Recently for something so illogical, he said on the phone: "You are not my daughter anymore" and hung up the phone. I sent him an email, and said "It's not the first time you are abusing me, what you did to us was domestic violence and in this country it's a crime and they would send you to prison for hitting us". He then sent me an email back and said: I did the wrong thing sending you to Europe. Now you are giving me bullshit about domestic violence. I hope God answers your rudeness. You broke my heart and you will suffer for it.

The reason I said that was because recently he started going back to the stories of 13 years ago, and was forcing me to finish telephone contact with my mum and was expecting me to hate her and hurt her.

Do you think I did the wrong thing?

Answer 1

No you didn't and one day he'll have to answer to someone.

Answer 2

No i think you have done the right thing, i know in certain cultures some men do use and abuse the wives and children, it even happens over here, its time to start living your own life now and not taking notice of what your father says about god etc, its just more emotional abuse, and i think you have suffered enough of that in your life from him, he is just a bully and wants control over you.

Answer 3

your father is wrong for saying your not his daughter. i bet he was trying to give you a guilt trip anyways even if his muslim what part of religion and anything to do with god says you abuse your kids.god is about love and forgiveness.be strong and continue your education. anyway i'm sure in 10 yrs or more he will come talking to you.my father said the same thing to me when i was 16 yrs old and now i'm 32 he talks to me all the time and calls me.

Answer 4

No, Sarah, You didn't do the wrong thing. You and your mum have

a right to be happy and to feel safe from any kind of abuse in your

own home, or in your own lives.

Your dad, I hate to say it, is stuck in his OLD ways...and he will

never change his way of thinking no matter how or what you may say

to try to prove him wrong.

We have and old saying in America, Sarah

" You can't teach an old dog new tricks..."

Take care and good luck.

Answer 5

no its agood thing because if you let him find out about your mom he woukd beat you look same thing happened to me and i know you feel bad but as long as you know you love your mom and she knows that then dont worry and it seems like your dad is just afraid of losing you and thats why hes such a jerk     hope you eel better :D

send me something if u still wanna talk k ;D

Answer 6

No you did the right thing. Your father obviously has a grudge against your mother but that does not mean that you have to. You are your own person now and you can still love your father and not so the things he commands you to do.  

Answer 7

You have done nothing wrong.

Leave him the past and move on.

You have a right to be happy in your life and to thrive.

Answer 8

Hi,you did the right thing.I am pleased that you are now safe in England.Hope you have a wonderful life.

Answer 9

no, you did the right thing, please do not listen to him, he is in the wrong not you. i am a christian and would like to help, drop me a line and we will discuss this. also will pray for you.

Answer 10

No.  You did the RIGHT thing.  He is the one who is wrong.  It's hard to cut ties with someone who is our parent or relative, but sometimes, it has to be done.

He is the one who needs to learn a lesson from God.

Answer 11

i applaud you for actually having the guts to do that - maybe at this point in time it wasn't the best choice of words but at some point down the road you were probably going to confront him

from what it seems like you did not do the wrong thing - the wrong thing would to be to abuse your family at all and for that long

Answer 12

God will judge him for his sins and wrongdoings and using his name to glorify his sinful behavior.

Talk to God. Pray to God. Ask for forgiveness and accept Christ our savior to absolve you from your sins.

(John 6:37) "All that the Father gives Me will come to Me, and the one who comes to Me I will by no means cast out.  

Answer 13

no standing up to ur father was the right thing. Now he knows u are your own person and he cannot treat you like trash anymore. you are a grown up you are allowed to make your own decisions  

Answer 14

Hi Sarah,

I can relate to that a lot, I come from Iraq. And I came to London when I was 15. I am going to say something you may not appreciate, In Muslim countries abusing children is their way of discipline, That doesn't mean he does not love you, you're his blood, And since you're safer, Older, Just forgive and forget, Contact him still, But on a minimum basis.

Now your Mother, That woman had her babies taking away from her, I don't have any children, But get someone to take my cat from me, And I'll make there life h**l, Tell her that you love her, And be there when she needs you

Like you I was a Muslim, But I don't ave any religion now, And might never have one (I do believe in God though), But I don't make this an issue, It's easier, Good luck  

Answer 15

You're finally seeing your father for who & what he is. As an adult you have the right to decide who you have contact with.He has no right to try to stop your relationship with your mother, it is no longer any of your father's business what you choose to do with your life.

Your mother is the best person for you I feel as she can identify with what you are going through.

Your father has serious problems, he seems from what you have stated, to see nothing wrong in the way he abused & treated you & the rest of your siblings. He denies his past actions, until he accepts his faults, I suggest you have little or nothing more to do with him.

Good luck. X :-)

Answer 16

No. Your father did the wrong thing when he hurt his family. Irrespective of the country you are brought up in, or the religion you believe in, violence towards your family is WRONG. Both the Koran and the Bible teach us that, your father is just choosing to life by the parts of his religion that he wants to live by and ignore the rest.

Yes you should honour your father, but he also had a duty to respect love and care for you. Reminding him of how he failed in that duty hurt his pride and made him angry, but that doesn't mean he is right and you are wrong.

Answer 17

Not a all.  As you said your dad is abusive.  He is trying to use your emotions to control you.    

Answer 18

NO NO NO! You said the truth girl. You should be proud, for the fact you didn't bail on you mother.

--> Everything you told him is true, I swear, he should be thankful he's not thrown into prison. The nerve of some people.

I suggest you stay away from him for life, a father like that; abusing his children and wife, bloody animal.

Your mother may find someone else who loves her and respects her more than this man, and you may find yourself a better father.

There are good people out there for every bad person.

Good luck with EVERYTHING! You need to be aware of your rights, if he does anything, keep the emails or etc. as evidence.

Good luck!

Answer 19

of course not; your dad is a very controlling person and when he can't control someone the way he wants to, he tries to make it their fault; you have done NOTHING wrong

good luck :)

Answer 20

be careful..... honor killings!!!!

yes u did the right thing. but i would watch my back

Answer 21

Absolutely not!  It's a problem HE has to deal with, not you.  Of course you love your mom and if he's that selfish, let him go down that road and learn that lesson the hard way.  Good Luck!

Answer 22

no u didnt do all wrong he must be a fanatic muslim btw my bf is a muslim i m not  n he never treats me like that he is the only person i have since my family...anw try to contact ur mom more and avoid going back to the past with ur dad also become strong n independant but the best advice i can give u is be good at school i know it sucks but it will help u get an admission in a university study n u wont need them anymore try to get a scholarship but just dont let ur dad hurt u n if he says '' u r not my daughter anymore''(are u sure he doesnt know that u r a christian now?) just tell  him YES I AM UR DAUGHTER and u shouldnt forget it besides that u can go to a councelor  

Answer 23

Nope, you did the right thing. If it was me i would have probably stabbed or shot him or something. (but that's only if he hit me and meant it, and tried to carry on doing it.)  

Answer 24

Okay, your dad sounds like a wacko job, so I think you are doing the right thing.  You're not children anymore and your feelings are YOUR FEELINGS and based on how you were treated.  I would say that your dad is just a crabby old man and always has been, so just let him go off into the sunset if he wants to.  I'd say go continue your relationship with your mom and see how that goes.