Help with controling parents

Question

I have an older brother and younger sister. My brother is married and has two children. I am not married, nor is my sister. The problem is, our parents try to run our lives. They are always underminding my brother and his wife about their kids. Ex: My brother can ask my mom not to give his son candy. She does it anyway, smiles and says it's not hurting anything if it's from his grandmother. This makes it obvious she did it just because he asked her not to do it. They do stuff like that all the time. It's to the point where they dread visiting them because of it.

They don't like change. If any of us are planning something different than the normal, they shoot it down. In fact, if it's anything they don't have a say in they act all pi$$y for about a week. If we go through with the plan they are pi$$y for a month of so. They feel we should consult them on everything. If we don't, they get mad and accuse us of being ungreatful or acting better than them. My sister is in college and they have her call them every time she does something. Calls them when she starts studying, bath,store, class, etc...SHe call then about 25 times a day. They want to know every detail about my life. If they think I am not telling them something they will get pi$$y towards my for weeks. They get pi$$ed over nothing.

We all welcome any advise from them and respect them, but they are trying to run our lives. When we tell them how we feel, they get mad.

If we listened to everything they said we would be miserable. They think we should not spend a dime of money and try to find out how much we have in savings, checking, etc... I can see my sister, but me and my brother are on our on. It's none of their business. I feel like they still think we are 6 years old and can't make a decision. But, they are our parents and we should respect them. How can we let them know they have crossed the line of giving advice and trying to run our life without causing a mess?

These are only a few examples of the stuff they do to have control over us. Any help will be welcome. Thanks

Answer 1

Once you are out of school you are considered your own person.

You don't have to be around them. Let them be pissy- that is their problem not yours.

They control you because you let them. Just say- "I'm a grown up, I love you, but this is my life",  Then get a life and get over them!

I am in my mid/late-30's and still hear my friends complain about their controlling parents... it is pretty pathetic when a nearly 40 year old whines about her mother.

Answer 2

If they aren't supporting you, then your financial information is none of their business. Tell them this the next time they start to pry. Yeah, they'll probably be steamed, but what other choice do you have?

Set some personal limits now, and it will be easier down the road.

Limit what you tell them, and live your life the way you want. I personally would limit their phone calls to two a week, that's what caller ID is for. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I know these are your parents, and you want to respect them for all they've done for you... even if they are a pain in the butt.

When we are adults, it helps to set personal boundaries and limits with others... it's all about self-preservation.  There are some things which just isn't your parents' business after you're an adult (such as your savings accounts, etc.).  

I'd like to say that, most grandparents DO what your mom does with your brother's son... i don't know why!  It must be a grandparent thing.  As long as she doesnt' give him an entire box, i guess he will be ok.  If your brother thinks it's too much, he can let the child have just a little, put the rest into a bag to take home later...

I have posted a website below about setting personal boundaries.  Maybe it would be of some help if you are interested.

take care, and all the best!

Answer 4

I greatly sympathize with your situation, in which your parents might be excessively controlling. It would be informative to know what kind of back ground culture or ethnicity your parents were born into, if thery were immigrants or sons of immigrants, etc.

  The latter might seem besides the point, however, it helps clarify why your parents act the way they do. Unfortunately, it's really hard to change the parents' minds about their role towards their children. I think the best thing you can do is try to be patient with them and still stand your ground about the things you want for yourself. Sort of pushing out, put also letting them know how special they are. I know they must be driving you beyond nuts many times, but it is really a gradual process. At some point you will have enough strength in your character and in their merit that you will be able to be your own self yet withstand the pressure coming from them, which will luckily become less over the years, and if it doesn't, you will learn to just tactfully ignore it.

        All in all, I think you come first, bearing in mind and heart all the respect and love for your parents. Good luck with your life. You are not alone in this. Many people have complicated relationships with their parents, again, good luck :)

Answer 5

I'm guessing your family is ethnic.  Most parents from certain group of nationals are very controlling like that...it's just the way they are.

Don't let them ruin your life.  No matter how much they care and try to help you out...bottom line is you don't need their advice.  A good intention is not considered helpful when no one asks for it.  

When they say things to you, for example, do this, do that, etc.  Just bow your head and say yes.  Don't argue with them.  Just act like you hear them and that's it.  Doesn't mean you have to do it.  But they seem to be happy to see you act like you're in their control so let them think that.  

Don't worry about them making you feel guilty.  You need to realize that they have problems and they get a kick out of making others miserable.  You're dealing with people who got issues (unfortunately they're your own parents, but that doesn't give them rights to torture you).  

Meanwhile set goal in life and go for it.  If you feel that it's better that you move away from them then do so.  Of course they're gonna be pissed for awhile, but you're their kid they'll never ever cut you off from the family ring.

And when they tell you that you're bad and you're not grateful.  Your comeback should be telling them how much you love them with your most sincere voice.  

If you ever need to argue with them be reasonable with facts and truths.  They can't come back with anything beyond that.  

Answer 6

confront them about it?

Answer 7

My parents were the same way i was not aloud to do anything what so every the day that i turned 18 i pack all of my stuff and i left i didn't say anything to them that afternoon when they got home all of my stuff was gone i didn't talk to them for a month i would drive by and check on them and i would call my sister and my brother and see how things were going but i never talked to my parents. i finally gave in because yes it is my parents and if it wasn't for them i wouldn't be here but they need to understand that you need your space and that either there going to give it to you or they will never see of hear from you ever again. i promise it was the best thing i have ever done... i now stay withmy parents and i am 22 years old but i am back in school and everything is just find.. no controlling anymore.

Answer 8

First: If your brother asks your mother not to give his kids candy, and she does anyway, he should take it away from his child and say, sorry, but grandma gave you something you shouldn't have.   He also should never leave his kids alone with her for that very reason.  If she asks why, he can politely tell her that she does things against his wishes, and he doesn't appreciate it and he's there to protect his child.  Your brother and his wife need to start the boundaries now and not let up.  He could tell her she can give them a toy, or clothing, but not candy or food unless it's something they approve of first.  And if she doesn't like it, don't leave the kids alone with her.  Period.  She can't be trusted, and I would tell her that in a nice way.

Second, have a talk with your parents and tell them you are an adult and don't appreciate being treated as a child.  Tell them you respect them, and will take their advise under consideration but you want to be able to make the final decision yourself, and if it is wrong, you will learn by your mistakes.  Tell them they can't be with you 24/7 and that they need to let go and realize that you all are adults.  Tell them you love them, but they need to let you grow up (which you already are) and let all of you lead your own lives.  Tell them that it doesn't mean cutting them off, you all three just wish to be trusted and treated as adults to make your own dicisions.

Three: Your sister needs to slowly cut off all the phone calls.  Tell her to slowly cut the times, just tell them she's really busy studying and doesn't have time for chit chat.  She can put her phone on message or just don't answer if they keep calling her.  She needs to start setting rules for them too.  Having to call her mother 25 times a day is way too much.  Even once a day is too much.  So, your sister should slowly cut the phone calls.  Your sister can say she's an adult, she's doing this or that in the next couple of days, and if that's not good enough for your mother, too bad.  Your mother needs to learn your sister isn't a child away at camp.  And your sister needs to reinforce the fact she's an adult and doesn't appreciate needing to check in with home every ten minutes.  

I think your parents will slowly get the message.  I think they fear you'll all leaving and they will be alone, and they will be if they keep treating you all that way.  I know you want them in your lives, but they have to know you have rules too.  Especially if you live on your own.  If you live at their house, you do need to go by their rules.  So just have a good talk with them.