Help with dealing with guilt?

Question

Hi everyone,

I'd appreciate some advice on helping someone deal with guilt. My ex, who has a very stressful and demanding job (neurosurgeon, actually), inadvertently made a mistake while we were together that had terrible consequences for me. When he found out what he'd done, he reacted by becoming angry with me and acting like he had never cared that much about me or our relationship. This led him to make more and more mistakes, and then become more and more angry with me. It is now a year later and he still acts like this. I have recently been able to finally forgive him (by letter - he refuses to see me voluntarily) and apologize for my own mistakes (I was very hurt, obviously), and I would like him to be able to forgive himself.

I would like to know if anyone has any advice on what, if anything, I can do to help him deal with his feelings of guilt. I have a friend who is in the exact same situation: a friend of hers accidentally threw out something that belonged to my friend that cost several hundred dollars and, though it cost very little to replace second hand, the woman prefers to throw away their friendship rather apologize for her mistake. How do you deal with people like this?

I don't want to give up on my ex or at least not let this follow him into future relationships. He is an extremely good man. Ideally I'd like us to be able to try again, as our connection was very strong and special, and had real future potential, a feeling I know was mutual. It's likely it's too late for that though, and that is something that will sadden me for the rest of my life.

Thank you so much for any advice you can give me.

Answer 1

I've been through counseling with a PHD for this type of thing.  Here's what he said...

First off, if he feels guilty, there is nothing you can do to control that.  He and he only has to deal with and get over it.  He has no right to treat you badly for his mistake.  He isn't strong or secure enough with himself to admit to the mistake and go on.  Being ugly with you for it is his way of not taking responsibility.  Same goes for your friends friend.  Some people can't handle being wrong so they place blame somewhere else.  It's a terrible thing to do because it ruins relationships.  As you have seen first hand.

Now, for your own info.  

Don't you start feeling guilty.  The Dr. says the only time another person can make you feel guilty is if you know you were wrong. If you know you did nothing wrong then don't use then don't use that person as an authority figure. This part may help your friend too.

He also says don't try to reason with unreasonable people.  As much as you probably don't want to hear this... It's time to let those people go and move on with your life.  In the long run, you will be better off and have less worries.

I sure hope this is helpful to you and your friend.