Help with dicipline???

Question

my 11 year old these past years has been getting worse and worse. Yesterday he told me to shut up and make him his food!

I have never really diciplined him, not even groundings or time out. Plus I'm a single mom, he throws fits at home and orders me to do things like "make my bed!" I have always thought I would feel sorry for him afterwards if I did anything..

I don't know what I can do? he's too old for spanking right? he won't stay in bed if I told him he's grounded, he will throw big fits if I took stuf away, what can I do?

Answer 1

Take away the "rewards" that he takes for granted and don't let him have them until he starts being civil. This is the method used most often at expensive correctional facilities. They won't even let children so much as put brown sugar in their oatmeal until they learn to behave. You can do it yourself; all you need is willpower.

Go back to zero. No privileges. No games. No music. No TV. No going out. No visits to or from friends. No desert. No luxuries whatsoever.

Yes, he will throw a big fit. He will whine and scream and call you all kinds of horrible things when you start out. He'll say he hates you and you're a witch and you're ruining his life, he'll throw stuff and be a little monster. This is the worst part, but you've got to be tough through it. Moral fortitude is the key essential here. Get emotional support from other mothers, friends, family, or neighbors if he makes you feel bad. They can reassure you that you're doing the right thing. Reward yourself for your tough love.

Then, as his behavior improves, slowly let him have each of his privileges back. For example, let him have something if he asks for it nicely, in a level tone of voice, and says "please" and "thank you".

If you do what he wants when he screams and acts negatively, it tells him that such behavior is how to get his way. NEVER, under any circumstances, react to bad behavior. Don't get angry, don't yell, don't cry, don't spank him, don't send him to his room, and DON'T give in to his demands. Ignore it. Cold shoulder. Stone wall. You are a tree and you cannot hear him. Shut him out of your room and put on headphones if you have to.

If you're a single mother, you're probably very busy and he wants your attention, even if that attention is negative. He knows that behaving badly will get your attention, so he does it. You need to stop giving him the attention he wants for behaviors you don't want.

It is very, very hard to initiate this method, but the first few days are the very worst and after that it's all downhill from there. It worked on me. :)

Answer 2

there is no 'too old' for spanking. my mom threw me up against the fridge when i was about 14. it was so unexpected that we all wound up laughing.

you need to stand up to your kid. you have to say no No NO.

he is taking advantage of you, and you are letting him do it. let his room get messy. he'll have to deal with the bugs. when it gets real messy, remove his items and hide them. "wheres my baseball glove' takes on a whole new meaning when its his own mess.

"make me my food"- counter with "oh? what did you put in the pantry? tell me which food YOU paid for, and ill help you make them"

the worst thing you can do is let him walk all over you. you wont be there to cook him dinner, do his laundry, make the bed when he gets out on his own. my parents taught me how to cook (i can make chicken francese, chicken cordon bleu, a killer roast pork loin, and linguine w/ shrimp and clam sauce; my dad never let us have 'poor' food, so i learned whatever he was making.)

he needs to start doing things on his own. he wont sit still for a spanking, but the fridge is there. and as long as its not too hard, and doesn't leave marks, its not abuse. how he is treating you IS abuse. would you take that behavior from a boyfriend? you cant dump your kid, but you can make a stand.

goodluck

Answer 3

I'm sorry but your going to have to beat that a$$ to get you control back as a mother. What you are doing is letting him think that he can treat you any old way and guess what... He will treat his future wife that way and the cycle starts from there. Let him know that he will not disrespect your home and that if he is that grown he can take his little a$$ on to someone else's home. My mother use to tell me, you are only grown when you are on your own. Check that little boy, and stop letting him check you

Answer 4

He is 11.  He understands right from wrong.  Heck, my 3yr old understands right from wrong. Pick a day, sit down with him and lay down the law.  Have a chore chart, have a list of rules and have a list of punishments.  If he breaks rule one, he gets punishment #2.  Take away electronics, time with friends, etc..  You are his MOTHER not his friend.  It will be hard at first, but you MUST stick with it!

Answer 5

Chasity's right. Although I don't like spankings on children, he sure needs it.

Answer 6

Chasity is right, give him a well deserved spanking!

Answer 7

Teaching in an urban high school has taught me one thing: traditional techniques of punishment don't work for problem children. He is looking for attention from you, and negative attention is the easiest type to get. By our nature, we don't know when to back down and de-escalate a situation, so he can play you as much as he wants. Turn these negatives into positives!

Like one of the previous posters said, you can't be both a parent and a friend... you have to choose. The key is that no matter what happens, you maintain your cool and speak in a manner that commands respect without yelling or being aggressive.

If he tells you to "shut up an make my food", calmly stop what you're doing and tell him something to the effect of "you're getting to the age where you can help make your own food... and if you don't you're not eating". No doubt he'll yell and generally be a pain, but he's looking for you to either give him negative attention or cave. You just have to weather the storm, and make him accountable for his actions. He may go hungry the first night, but after that he will grudgingly help you... and you can turn the negative of his yelling into a positive teaching him how to cook.

As far as the hair goes, I probably wouldn't worry about it that much. His hair is an extension of his personality, so he views you asking him to cut it as a personal attack on him. Just make sure that he keeps it washed for hygine reasons.

Answer 8

You need to take his stuff away and let him throw a fit.  The more he throws a fit the more you take away.  By giving in when he throws a fit you are teaching him that if he wants anything all he has to do is behave badly.  You have to be willing to take all his stuff away if you have too.  I would give him a heads up though before you start because it sounds like there has never been rules.....even write them down so the rules are clear.  Say to him you know you have not been parenting him but been more like a friend and you need to start setting boundaries.  

Rules could be like if he talks back, then no going out.  

If he tells you  make his bed then you take away the bedding  until he makes the bed himself.

If all he has left in his room is his bed then he will learn that he has to behave and respect you.  

The other thing he is old enough to do chores and it sounds like he should  to learn responsibility.  He does not do his chores then no extras.

Lets be honest he is going to flip out if he has never had rules.  But if you don't lay down the law now, watch out in a year or two.  And you will raise a men that will not know how to function as an adult.

Remember to reward with praise any time you notice him following the rules...even the little things.

Answer 9

Normally i wouldn't recommend this but in your case, you need to take action. By that i mean, using your hands to get your point across. Not a spanking, or not a beating but just a reminder who's the parent.  You may not want to use this because you consider it violence but it's not necessarily. He doesn't have the right to treat you like his personal slave and he needs to know that. You're his mother not his servant. Therapy might work but i doubt it because he probably wouldn't want anyone to ask him questions about his feelings and motives for being the way he is so he wouldn't open up. Maybe try getting help from maybe an uncle, grandfather or some male that he looks up to.

I wish you the best of luck!!

Answer 10

you need to end his behavior right now. and no he isn't too old for a spanking. if he deserves one give it too him and you shouldn't feel sorry afterward. he needs to be punished.

Answer 11

You're never too old for a spanking.

Put that kid over your knee and make it so he cant sit down for two weeks.

Answer 12

looking at your other questions you are a nut job. You are single but you have a 2 yr old and are 8 months pregnant. I think you are a loney person with no kids so you come on here and make them up. get a life.

Answer 13

It is time for tough love. It will hurt but you must go through it. Do you want to get the blame if he becomes a criminal when he grows up? Spank him if you have to but do not forget teach him the lesson afterwards.

Remember this: You are the boss. You feed him you and provide him shelter. If he is to love you, you must teach him how to respect.

Answer 14

Right, this kid needs sorting out.  Lay down the law!  Yes, you need to consider the fact that his father was violent but this is most definately NOT an excuse.  I'm afraid, he is not too old for spankings and if he doesn't behave once the law is laid down a spanking is exactly what he needs.  The first time over underwear and after that on his bare bottom.  Embarass this kid by smacking his bare bottom but don't go too far and spank in public...this is okay in some cases but not for yours.

Good luck and don't give up...be a mother that is going to be proud of her son not a friend opening the door to police officers every other night.  This could easily get out of hand if you dont sort it now.

X

Answer 15

Be a mom and step up.  You can't be his friend and his mom.  You have to choose.  If you want him to act better you have to show him how.  Timeouts and groundings aren't going to end his world but if you just keep giving him his way and giving into his demands and let him disrespect you he will always go around disrespecting people and will treat other woman like that.