Help with my 4 year adopted daughter!!!!!?

Question

I have 3 children.My 4 year old adopted daughter Abigail is going through a rebelious stage and she has recently started saying to me and my husband that were not her parents so we cant tell her what to do.she knows shes adopted because we have told her this because we felt it was wrong if she didnt know.we did explain though that we love her and take care of her so no matter what we are her real parents but she wont listen.Please HELP!

Answer 1

tell her you may not be her birth parent but you are her mom and dad and always will be

Answer 2

I was adopted as a child, have an adopted sister (not biologically related) and have numerous relatives that are adopted.  

First of all, you did the right thing by telling her she was adopted.

Secondly, you need to figure out what she really means by this.  Off the top of my head, I agree with the posters here who say that you shouldn't treat this child any differently than you treat your other kids.  If she is testing your discipline, what she wants to hear from you is: You ARE my daughter, the same as your siblings, and you get treated the same way as everyone else.  We love you the same and we will treat you the same.  Now get to your room or [whatever consequence you use for your other kids].

However, there is also the chance that she has genuine questions about her adoption, and this is the only way she knows how to bring it up.  Perhaps she needs more information on what is "means" to be adopted, which I would provide for her when she is calm.  You might want to look up the book "Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self" by Brodzinsky, which gives a good chapter by chapter explanation of people's understanding of adoption according to their ages and developmental levels.  

And by the way... children, including adopted ones, are different.  Some children bring it up all the time, some never mention it.  Just because your child uses this "line" doesn't mean that you immediately need family therapy... you might, but this alone doesn't warrant it.

Answer 3

Tell her that you are her real parents because you got to choose whatever baby you wanted, and you chose her. And unfortunately, you're going to have to make her listen however you deem fit. Letting her rebel to that extreme isn't doing her any favors in the long run, and I'm sure it's draining you as well.

Good luck!

Answer 4

A four year old???  Wow!  I have 6 adopted children and none of them ever said anything like that to me!  That child must have a lot of pent-up anger.  Kids direct the anger to the closest one to them, so you're the lucky one.  When my 16yr old foster daughter kept answering my questions about where she was going, what she was doing, etc. with "why do you need to know".  I always responded with "because I care".

Get that child into play therapy - therapists have helped me deal with issues any parent would give up over!  The more you stew about it without knowing what's really going on in that little mind of hers, the more frustated you will become.

There's so much more going on than you can ever put into a question like the one above.  Only a trained, licensed counselor can listen to the entire situation and help come up with a plan of action.

You may be able to prove that you are her "real" parents by showing her a copy of her new birth certificate.  Understanding that there's something major going on in her brain will help you cope until you can figure it out and begin the healing process.  She might be helped by meeting other adopted children - look for a local foster/adoptive parent association in your area.  Even if you're not a foster parent, most foster parents have adopted at least one child, and they can really help.

Depending upon when she was adopted (at what age), she may not fully understand what being adopted is.  Could she be feeling guilty about no longer being with her birth mother?  there are so many possibilities, a one paragraph question can't possibly provide enough information to really find a great answer for your family.

Seek professional help immediately - any money you spend now on therapy will be well spent when she is a well-adjusted young teen.  If nothing is done now, she is growing toward a bitter, angry, rebellious teenager.  Nip this in the bud.

Answer 5

Um, what'd you tell her so early on she was adopted for?!?

Answer 6

At what age did you adopt Abigail?  I ask because our son is 4 1/2 years old and knows that he is adopted, and knows that he lived with his biological grandparents before he lived with Mommy & Daddy, but he has NEVER said that we aren't his parents.  We adopted him at six months old.

I never really thought about it - figured the "YOU AREN'T MY PARENTS" fight would come as he gets older.  I was surprised that your daughter was 4 and saying this, because I thought my son had a pretty good understanding of adoption, but not to that level yet.  He is pretty good and telling us that he doesn't like us or that we're mean parents when he gets punished, but the "you aren't my mom" has yet to appear.  Thank God!  

All I can say is to keep reinforcing the fact that you ARE her parents.  It's difficult to reason with a 4 yr old, but I'd ask her "why" she says that.   Is it possible that someone is telling her that - perhaps an older sibling - or friend of an older sibling?  Sometimes kids can be cruel.  Just a thought.  

Have you tried any children's books about adoption?  That may help also.  Or even a project trying to focus on what makes a parent or a family.  Try to show that love makes a family rather than blood lines.  Just a thought.  

Good luck.  I'll be thinking of you.

Answer 7

If nothing you have tried is working, you may consider talking to her pediatrician.  Even though you have told her all along she is adopted, she is coming to an age now where she is getting a better grasp on what that means, and is starting to rebel out of insecurity.

Your doctor may recommend some individual and/or family counseling sessions.  These are often very beneficial to everyone.  Good luck!

Answer 8

She's only 4? Thats a bit young to use the "you're not my real parents" line! I think you need some family therapy, stat as she perhaps is picking up on some insecurities from YOU and you're not knowing what to do about it makes me think you are raising her or treating her differently than your bio children.

Answer 9

Stick it out she is only 4 years old she will soon realize you guys love her and you only want whats best for her hang in there. some advice never pay more attention to your bio children because that might be whats bothering her.

Answer 10

Your four year old has some unresolved issues that center around the adoption. I am not sure how as four year olds typically do not understand genetic lineage and reproduction. I would be wondering who has been talking to her and what they are telling her. This is something kids much older like 6 and up start doing not four year olds.

My daughter is four years old and knows she is adopted. She knows that I went to China to bring her home. She has seen a number of our friends do the same thing. She also has been around pregnant women and their babies after they have been born. She just has no sense of what adoption means from the stand point that she had a mother and father in China before me. She has no idea that she developed and grew in another womans womb. It is not something a four year old can comprehend.

I would suggest a book called Raising Adopted Children. It encourages parents to share with their children if they are adopted and at what age level the child can understand the details. It sounds like some one has been telling this four year old way too much and she has no other means of communicating her fears.

You may want to talk to her about it when she is not upset and yelling these things at you. When the dust settles is always better to discuss issues with my daughter. In the middle of a melt down she hears and understands nothing.

Answer 11

Very common.

Don't:  Make a big deal out of it and show emotion when she says this.

Do:  Calm and matter of factly say, "Yes, we are. We love you.  And you still have to go to bed.  Now go."

That's all.  It will pass.  But remember that the more catastrophic you act, the more catastrophic it will become.

Calm. Calm.  Calm.  Get upset or cry when you are in your room in private away from your children  -- all of them!  It is normal and just a phase that children go through -- whether they come home through adoption or not.

P.S. People --- don't put your children's names on the Internet!

Answer 12

I have to agree with alot of these guys. Even Joslin has a point, I just can't help but wonder sometimes if she even has children.... Nonetheless...being adopted, you do tend to rebel. Like everyone says though, you cannot treat her any different than your biological children. It's just like when kids get mad and say they don't love you as a parent anymore. It's a stage. I'm sure your other two children went thru a rebelious stage also, correct? If not, they will. Don't worry yourself so much. I'm sure it breaks your heart that she says things that are ugly, but she's not old enough to realize how much it hurts you, she just knows it gets a reaction from you. I did it to my adoptive parents, but they never treated me any different than their biological children and there were 9 of them. I was treated and punished just as they were. Just love her and punish her as you would do your others. Good luck and try to stay sane. lol.  We're here if you need us though.

Answer 13

good that you told her she is adopted... sit her down and tell her even thoughh i(you) didnt birth you, you are still my child and i love you more than anything in the world. all children go through this and trust me when i say this is a phase.

Answer 14

i am an adult adoptee and remember saying the same thing to my parents. your daughter is just trying to sort this situation out in the only way she can. i think the best way to explain things to her is to talk to her about her natural mother and explain that her natural mother did love her but did the best she could by giving her a loving family. please try not to treat her any differently from you natural children and expect a lot of rebellion in the future.

Answer 15

I did similar things as a child and repeated the whole thing again in my teens.  I didn´t realize it at the time, but I really think I was testing my adoptive parents.  I wanted them to stand their ground, tell me that they were my "real" parents.

Whether or not Abigail realizes...she has FOUR parents and all of them are real.  (And you were right to tell her the truth.)  I think she might have latched onto this since it seems to be getting your attention...4 year-olds can be pretty perceptive and crafty.  My biological kids tell me that the MAYOR is the one in charge...not me!  Stand your ground with her...tell her you love her...that you are her mom...that she is your daughter...and yes you are going to eat that broccoli!

Answer 16

Honey, even if you hadn't adopted her, and this was your biological daughter, chances are youwould be facing the same battles anyway.  All children get rebellious at somepoint, so you just have to ignore, use discipline, do what ever you need to to make sure you knock it on the head (...the behaviour, not your daughter!)

Answer 17

she was probably to young to be told, I babysat a boy like this he was 9 and he had some serious issues with this discovery.  

You may want to seek counseling for her now, and reassure her that just because she was adopted doesn't mean your not her parents and that she isn't loved as much as your natural born children.

Answer 18

I commend you for telling her she was adopted because there's no worse betrayal than finding out later that you're "different" from your parents. As to the sassy stage, I would reply that for now you are her parents so she will do what you say. And then give her time out or no privileges or whatever punishment you dole out.  I suspect it hurts you when she says that, so just put it down to the careless "mean" talk of a child, and let it go. Hopefully someday she will thank you for all you've done.

Answer 19

You must treat Abigail the same as your other children.  Tell her that you love her and that you may not be her biological parents, but you are her real parents.  The ones who loves for her deeply.  You're doing the right thing by continuing to tell her that you love her and showering her with that love.  Tell her that you wanted to have her in the family and that's why you adopted her.  She seems like a smart cookie and will understand this.  However, if she continues, you can always get some counseling with her, which is beneficial to anyone.

Answer 20

try to watch real life movies from other places like china where people can not have more them 2 daughters or africa so she can see what she got

Answer 21

My youngest daughter is adopted, but she's every bit as much my child as my other kids are! We love her just as much we do our biological kids.

I would punish her if she didn't obey regardless of her reasons. I would explain that God made her in a different mommy's tummy, but we're the parents that God chose for her whether she likes or not. She is a part of this family, and she doesn't get any special privileges just because she came to us in a different way. If she chooses to disobey, there are consequences--just like the other kids have. She'll eventually get the picture and stop using that excuse.  

Whatever you do, don't let it bother you, or she will continue to use it against you. She's 4! You just can't take her too seriously yet. Just remember that no matter what she does or says, you are her parent, and it's your responsiblility to teach her right from wrong and to love her unconditionally no matter how she feels about you at any given time.

Love her through it, but don't put up with it.

Answer 22

This is something that just about every adopted child will say to their parent when they get pissed off.

I am adopted and I said it to my mother. She handled it well, said the same things you said, and eventually she just ignored my comments altogether and would punish me (time outs, taking away priveledges, etc.).

I think the main thing to remember is that she says it to get a reaction - so don't give her the reaction she wants. You tell her what your expectations are, and what the consequences will be if she chooses not to follow the rules. Just like with any biological child. Don't treat her any differently.