Help with my Virgo mom...(plz help!!!) no, seriously...?

Question

okay, so my mom is a virgo. and really, honestly i can't take her anymore.

she's always trying to make me feel bad for her. she's so easilly stressed, and when i'm mad at her, she occasionally goes, "fine..hopefully i'll go to sleep and never wake up.." She tries to make me pity her, and she always makes it look like she has it worse than me.

sometimes i dont even want to go on with my life when she acts this way. she always plays the victim role, and nothing is ever solved by us screaming at eachother. i end up saying something i shouldn't have said, slamming my door, and locking myself in my room.

it makes me so upset, because i cant stand people who make others feel bad for them. it just makes me sick, because at least she's not homeless, abused, or dead...i dont understand why she thinks she has it so bad.

i know she would never commit suicide, simply because i know her. she wouldn't do that. so, honestly..i don't pity her at all.

instead of making me feel sad and sympathetic for her, every sentence that escapes her mouth makes me more numb and bitter. i'm a cancerian w/ aries rising and uranus in aquarius. maybe that's why i'm so distant, but i still don't know my mom's chart, so i can't find placements that would make her act this way.

please, just gimme some advice to ease everything. just tips on how to deal with a virgo mom. thank you.

Answer 1

Shady,

Astrology can be an incredible tool for understanding yourself and others.  You don't have to know your mother's complete chart to get an idea of how she affects you.  Simply write her planets onto your chart.  What houses do they fall into?  What aspects do they make to your planets?  That in itself can be eye opening.  Also look at her Moon. You won't know the exact degree without her birth time.  But the sign alone can tell you alot.  I would guess she has a Pisces Moon.  That can't be easy on her either.  The death references appear to be emotional blackmail.  You should calmly let her know they are not acceptable.

And the fact is that one day she will be dead.  Maybe you should think about that.  My mother died recently and I thank God that we came to an understanding before she was gone.  My brother died a year before.  The last conversation my mother had with him was an argument.  It seriously tore her up inside.  You do not want to experience that, believe me.

*edit- But I wouldn't wish you to dream of your mother's death.  That is just sick... end edit*

My mother's Sun sat directly on top of my Asc... My Mars on her S Node... My Moon-Mars opposite her Moon, both in fixed signs... Her Pluto on my Jupiter... etc.  That helped me understand why we disagreed about many things.  It also helped me learn better ways of relating to her.  That is important because in the end we all become versions of our mothers.  Whether we become better by learning from her mistake or worse through denial is up to us.

btw... #7 did not take a step back.  She is only seeing her own situation which is not necessarily anything like yours.  She is not taking your best interest into consideration.  Listen to the bitterness in her response.  She sounds like a rebellious teenager but she is really a narcissistic woman pushing 50 with apparent dissociative episodes ie hitting her mother til she bled.  She is not seeing you.  She is merely projecting.  Puts a whole other spin on her rant.  She is nobody's role model.  Her post could possibly be considered "harmful to minors" too as it seems to encourage running away from home and maybe violence.  But I won't report her because I'd like others to see how dangerous and unhinged she truly is.

Good luck!

Answer 2

HOW DID SHE HAVE U IF SHES A VIRGO

Answer 3

I really don't know your situation, but it sounds to me from what you've told us that you're being a little bit selfish.

I understand if it would bother you that she tries to get you to pity her (amazingly, I've known another virgo mother that does the exact same thing to her children). It is childish of her to act that way, and it probably presents you with a rather unstable parental figure when stability in the home would probably be very important for a cancer daughter.

But she does this for a reason - she wants you to care about her. She thinks you don't - what do you say to her when you get mad at her? Do you act like a selfish cow and ***** at her for little things? I'm not trying to be rude, because I don't know your situation as I said before. But it is likely that the childishness is coming from both of you.

So you be the bigger person and treat her like a human being, not just your annoying mother. Respect her feelings.

Try very hard not to lose your temper... virgos respond well to quiet, calm discussions and respond very badly to shouting and tears and accusations. Ignore her little comments that get everybody nowhere.

Giving little hugs and thankyous every now and then will probably also help your virgo mother see that you love her and APPRECIATE the things she does for you. I think this is very important - the appreciation.

She just wants her daughter to love her and does not know how to handle bad situations in a mature way... so it's up to you to talk to her about the situation and your feelings without being degrading to her. If she doesn't respond, then it's up to you to be the mature one for everybody's sake and let things go.

EDIT: By the way, virgo mothers aren't really BAD people, but they can seem rather callous at times. They might not understand their children's point of view, particularly with water children (once again, I've seen this very clearly as well). Don't get caught up with being upset that she doesn't understand you - people see the world differently, as I'm sure you realise through looking at astrology and the many influences a person has on their personal outlook. It's important to be mature and understand that you're different. She may not always understand you or your emotions, but just know that that doesn't mean she doesn't love you or care about you.

Answer 4

Virgo dads are laid back.

Answer 5

Hi Shady!

I'm a Virgo and I'm a mom. So I thought I would give it a try. I think that possibly your Risings and hers are conflicting. In my opinion, it's really difficult to have a Aries understand me. And being a Capricorn I'm sure you don't like to put emotions on the table. Your mom just wants validation and love w/ a dash of understanding. It's hard to strive for perfection. Lol. Plus it sounds like she really does want the best for you. It is just in her nature to worry and be concerned. I think Virgo moms are the worst when it come to that. I try to step back and take a brake from it all. However, it doesn't last very long and while I'm taking that break it's as if the world is crumbling around me. (Even though it's not)

I would just try to understand where she is coming from and understand she loves you and wants only the best for you!

Answer 6

Hi Shady,

I'm wondering what is your moon sign, what are the aspects to moon and in what house it is placed?  

It is a terrible shame that some mothers lose control and act badly with their children.  Afterall, isn't it a mother's job to raise children to be happy, healthy and well-adjusted?  It seems like a no-brainer to me, but the truth is, that is not reality.  Because a mother is a mother, does not necessarily mean they don't have their own issues, and who better to experience those issues than family members.  I am terribly sorry that your mom is not fitting into the ideal mold for a mom doing a great job of being a good mom, but keep in mind, you are not alone.  There are many kids that experience problems with parents who have mental / emotional issues.

Anyway, I don't know your mom or the specifics of what is making her act so immaturely, but is there any possibility you can sit down with her during one of her more quiet, balanced states of mind, and tell her how her behavior is affecting you.  Tell her that she is the mom, you are the child, and you need to good role model; not someone with whom you want to rebel.  Maybe it will help, maybe not.  However, you can't trade in moms - she will always be your mom, so it is best if you can work it out with her; if not, well there is always distance you can put between the two of you when it is your time to fly from the nest.

I wish you happiness, Shady.

Answer 7

My mother is virgo with a scorpio mooon.....omigod...my whole childhood she thought I was suppose to make her feel better and if i did something different than her she would say that i made her really sad and hurt her feelings...all the time...and i remember specifically writing a paper in class about my hero and I put it was my dad cos he works so hard (my mom was a stay at home mom) and she got mad at me (instead of praising my hard work) got mad at me for writing about my dad instead of her!!!  

Yes I understand.  I actually had a friend of mine pick me up in the middle of the night and i lived with my boyfriend for the last months of my senior year because i couldn't take her anymore.  She told everyone I was suicidal because she took my car away.  No I was not suicidal at all i just was tired of her b*llsh*t.  She also had no faith that i could finish school living away from her and i did it and graduated with honors too.

Anyways, you have to just pull away from her because like in my situation it felt like she was taking away my good energies and all i had left was the negative and it's like she wanted to show everyone that we all were sad not just her.  WEll she was the only thing making me sad other than that I tried to be happy but everytime it was like she turned things into something bad.  

Like I said...you don't have to be around her...maybe confront her ask her why she chooses to be unhappy and try to make you unhappy as well.  see her answer is .  Or just try to stay away.  I don't know any tips really except for me and my mom.....distance.....and then we can be civil again for awhile.

@edit---oh wow i am not saying run away....i was just sharing my own experience as an example of how much i took and how much we fought.  I was already 18 when i moved out and lived with my boyfriend and i had like 3 months left of school.  It started to show my mother then that I was my own person, but like I said....I was 18...sorry I was just sharing my hurt about my mother with you so you knew you were not alone about stuff.    

Now that I am out of the house and an adult me and my mom get along better at a distance like distance makes the heart grow fonder type thing....but for when i was a kid I just had to grin and bear it and try not to take things too personally and know that I was a good person!

Answer 8

MY FRIEND IS THE SAME.

It's like she wants attention really badly.

They do the same thing over and over again,and if you see them sad and you ask what's wrong they'll go *stress*.

I never understood that,maybe since I'm a Leo and I can't really see stuff from their point of you.

I'm never stressed,never was depressed and never can stay sad for more then 5 minutes unless someone dies.

I don't think you can change these things about her.

If she wants you to feel pitty for her and that annoys you [I would really kill someone like that \:] you should simply try to ignore her and turn into a mirror.When I say turn into a mirror,act the way she acts.What she does when looking at you will simply go back to her,and you will act the same way.

Answer 9

I do not know how old you are but honestly your mother's words from what you quote are not acceptable at all.

I hope you find to break away from her sooner or later.

I will disagree with the rest of the people. You DO not have to respect nor love a mother who acts that way just because she gave birth to you.

edit : am  I the seventh person ?

Sweetie..if you are going through what I had to go through.."shaking my head here".. I undestand you and it is OK to feel absolutely mad.

I went through that.....really : my friends gave me support.

My mother is STILL trying to feel be guilty...she is not balanced at all.  I think that she has lots of inner problems and vent her anger to whoever is there. My brother is also estranged from her.

sometimes no matter what you try.........never works.

Your mother is using emotional blackmail with you....actually she sounds like a child........a spoiled child.

Some people never mature at whatever age  and having children does not make one wiser either..and some women do NOT have any maternal instinct.

Am sorry about whtat you are going through......I had the same...best is just BREAK ( i tried..............but she won't let me go stilll geee.......)

She does not act like a mother and sound very immature.

People are all blaming you on here; they see it as family as a kind of sacred bond of something and sometimes it really is not.

Obviously I do not know the whole situation.

Your mother reminds me of mine......although she is not a virgo (cancer with moon in aries). Always playing the martyr if her emotional needs and wishes did not come first. Am skipping the worst.

Your mother's words are not to be tolerated am sorry. I heard that kind of thing and much much much much worse.

If you are acting angry.....I do not blame you. I did too. At one point my mother said something so awful that I blacked out and hit her ( the only time in my life). Totally blacked out because I did not remember but saw the blood from outside her mouth when I came "back" so to speak.

Your mother might have a mental disorder which should be addressed. If she does not and still carries on blaming you for everything......best is to get away.

My own mother is extremely manipulative with feelings and emotions also. I always saw her as a child to to walk on egg shelves, say the right things and blah blah blah ..we never got on and I accepted it. She still does not though. I have never forgiven her for some things she did and say. And I was far from being a nasty, rebellious child etc ( actually quite the opposite)

I had to break from her. Sorry but sometimes that is the reality, not something written in fantasy books.

Your mother is biologically your mother. But is she a mother otherwise ?? I think lots of people recognise those days the difference between pure biology and emotional bond. They sure do not always go together.

I do not know enough to give you any advice. I just know that I had only one friend who believed me at the time and another one who was not fooled either  ( she later became a social worker !!) because my mother had a lot of charm and could disguise very well and pretend extremely well.

I tried to understand her......



No way..

Sometimes you have to decide.

Stopping here before I start rambling.

But for all people who say that JUST because she is your biological mother..

tough !

I do not believe in that.

Good luck........

@ Marina : she has no idea what it is like to have a crazy mother.. who will NOT and EVER understand common sense..

Been there..

Answer 10

I am a Virgo mom and the only way my son gets over on my is by being polite and having manners, so I feel he can say whatever he wants and have his opinon just as long as it respectful lol he is 2  and also a water sign. My daughter on the other hand is 9 and she is a fire sign She is quiet and humble and that is just how I like it. All earth signs feel that a child should stay in a childs place. And no she may not always be right but because she is a Virgo most of the time she is and if not then she is very acturate. Don't try to get over on her because she will be 20 steps ahead of you. And another thing if she is saying something concerning not waking up then you should consider that. What if you woke up and your mother never did. You are saying it is not like she is homeless or abused but how do you really know. Since you are a cancer it makes you hard to crack that shell and talk to her probably when she needs you most. You may not know what is going on with her on the inside and maybe you should take the time to find out. I am not trying to be rude but what you give is what you get. If you come at her like a adult in a adult tone and manner she will give you the same respect but somebody has to give a little first. I hope you have a dream that your mother was dead so that way you can wake up feeling it before it happens then you will understand. "What it is like not to have a mother" and learn to appreciate her while she is still here. You don't know what she plans to do because you are in your room with the door closed right?

Answer 11

"i'm a cancerian w/ aries rising and uranus in aquarius. maybe that's why i'm so distant"

Rubbish (no offense). All I can say is you're human and that means you can love no matter how petrifying you avatars may sometimes look. Find it in yourself to go to her and... cry with her once.

Never undermine the power of two hearts reverberating. Embrace her when she's down, give in to your sadness and expect nothing less than bedazzlement and release.

Answer 12

Honestly Shady, you're mother may be ill or troubled, but she's still you're mother and she surely loves you.

She expects a lot from you because you have the potential to succeed and she sees that in you. If she didn't care, she wouldn't push you at all. The opposite of love is apathy...if she didn't care, she wouldn't bother.

When you are older and you walk in her shoes, you will dearly regret not giving her every chance....don't become the bitter person who has been cut off from her family because of pride, because it's really not worth it. It tears your soul out and leaves you hollow inside...just look at someone who's done that..Do you really want to be like that? Middle aged, chain smoking, and still pissed at your parents?

Hang in there...people do care about you and you can lean on the ones who are more accepting and supportive until you can learn to see more eye to eye with mom.

** Cap**

**And before ol' Number 7 feels like lobbing a little "piece o' wisdom", I DO understand what it's like to have a crazy mother. But as a teenager, one can't just "run off" safely and must learn to deal with the issue upfront. Running won't help, in anything in life. It's cowardly. Stand up and work it out."

**I think, astrologically, Capricorn kids are often forced early on to deal more maturely with family issues than other signs. I think Cancer kids have great depth of empathy for their parents, and can get dragged into the personal drama very easily. Lots of people have mothers that act like that, believe it or not, but every kid has a choice on how to deal with it.

I believe a Capricorn kid's path is one of pre-maturity and bearing responsibility for the relationship when you're younger. But this is one of those situations where you have to decide if you want to pull away from the pain and hide from it, or tackle it up front and hope to come to a middle ground somewhere. If you've done everything in your ability to secure your relationship when you are younger, you will feel no guilt breaking free from that person if they refuse to develop when you are older.  

My own mother was Libra, but flighty and fickle and abandoned me over and over from the time I was 8 on. She also did that dramatic "self torture" thing, especially on people outside our household...she broke down in front of my daughter's teacher at a parent teacher conference, totally out of the blue, saying that she just couldn't handle the responsibility of watching a 6 year old for 2 hours a day....kinda dramatic.

I tried to secure the relationship, and some calm was established by the time I was 18. She abandoned me several other times along the way, but I was on my own two feet at that point....she would get very attached and lovey, then get angry, say that I was too much responsibility and leave me with someone else....as a child this was pretty hard to take.

In time I realized she couldn't help it and she was sick.

I broke contact with her permanently when she did the same thing to my own daughter...she left her somewhere when she was supposed to be taking care of her because she just couldn't "handle the stress". Actually, she was sulking because she didn't get her way about some small thing.

I wasn't willing to put my own daughter through that kind of instability so I sent her away...

Sometimes no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, it just doesn't work out. But at least, while you're young, keep trying until you've exhausted all chances.  That way, you can hold your head up knowing that you did everything you possibly could to do the right thing, and you didn't just give up and run away from it. It's the personal sense of integrity that will hold you on course, and THAT'S what makes you special.**

Answer 13

Hi, Shady:)

Okay, first of all I have to say that your mother doesn't say those things because she's a Virgo. My mom's a Leo with Taurus moon and if I had a nickel for every time I heard those particular words about never waking up again coming out of her mouth, I'd be a rich woman. I always thought that perhaps it had something to do with her Leo sun, but more to do with the fact that she watches too many soap operas and reads too many melodramatic romance novels. Oh well.

Point is, that while your mother may be the "cause" of your frustration and annoyance, it's still *your* frustration and annoyance, and not hers, and therefore you have to find a way to deal with it responsibly and maturely, even if she's the mom and she's the one who should be responsible and mature. Look to your moon and Saturn placements for clues as to what's going on in regards to your relationship with her, and how you can adapt to make things more bearable for yourself.

Your mother sounds bitter and depressed, and she needs to get some sort of therapy or counselling to deal with that. Family therapy is probably not a bad idea.

I'd like to add that part of maturing is realizing that even though your parents aren't perfect (and in some cases are far from perfect), they're still your parents and they still love you. Especially your mother. You may not fully grasp how much she loves you until you have children of your own. Or until you get out of the home environment and she starts understanding and appreciating you as an individual person, rather than just a piece of property...."her daughter".

Bottom line here, the first people that you need to resolve karma with in this lifetime are your family in general, and your parents in particular. It's not their job to make that easier for you by altering their behaviour. Sometimes people are lucky and it's easy because they have good karma with their parents. Other times are like this.....but you've got to remember that it's YOUR karma too, and you can't control what other people say and do, all you can do is control your words and actions and reactions to what other people are saying and doing. Have you tried rationally and calmly to explain to your mother how this makes you feel, or does it always end up in an argument? It's in *your* control to make this work right now, because *you* are the one who knows astrology and can understand exactly what's going on. People who don't have that advantage just keep repeating the same old script, and hoping that the outcome is different the next time around. That's what you're doing with your mom right now. You're repeating hundreds of years, possibly even millenia of the same old actions and reactions and wondering why it isn't turning out any different this time around. But of course, what you both need to do is get past the ego of the situation, the "she's a bad person because she did this that and the other" detach from your egos enough to see the truth of the situation and how *each other's* behaviour is also reflected in *yourselves* (because I guarantee that if someone's behaviour really really bothers you like this, it's because there's a part of yourself which is very much the same that you just don't like very much or haven't learned to integrate positively into your consciousness). Our relationships (with anyone) are not comprised of a bunch of things which we say and do to each other just because this one's this way or that one's the other way. There's no wrong and right, there are only circumstances which need to either be appreciated if they are harmonious, or modified and resolved if they are not in harmony. It seems quite apparent to me that this particular situation is of the latter variety. I will say that if the two of you don't learn to resolve this harmoniously, you're only going to be doing the same thing the next time around, so you might as well get it taken care of now so that you don't have to worry about it later.

It's your karma too, and it's within your power to resolve it. You don't need to wait for her to grow up and start behaving maturely. Look at where that's gotten you so far.

Unfortunately, sometimes the child has to behave as the adult, and act in the responsible and evolved way first before the adult will reciprocate. But if you take a step back and look at what *you* could be doing differently to make the situation smoother, I think you'll find that she reciprocates with mature behaviour of her own.

Might take a while though. I was out of the house for years before my mother started evolving.  

Answer 14

Okie doke, here's my answer and you may not like it.  You should NEVER be screaming and yelling at your mother.  EVER.  You don't always have to agree with her, but you should respect the fact that you're in HER house, and that she is your mother.  She takes care of you, without her, you could not support yourself.  You should feel badly if your mother is so frustrated she is at the point of wishing herself harmed or dead.  Maybe she is a victim....victim of someone that can't see both sides of this equation.  It takes two to disagree, argue, and upset each other.  You seem to be a little bit belligerent. Why not try talking to her out of love and concern and find out all of the things that you're doing that are making her feel this way? My guess is that you're not telling the complete story. Virgo mom's in general are usually very easy to understand their teens point of view, and they don't usually over react. If anything they're too lenient....this has been what I have witnessed with the Virgo mom's I know.  Look at your own behavior and take stock in how you're adding to this problem. It takes two to compromise.  I don't like the fact that you use the words "At least she isn't homeless, abused or dead"...because those are the basics. She should be treated with respect by the person she loved enough to raise all this time. Being a mother is harder than you will ever realize. Why not try some empathy...you're a Cancer....aren't you supposed to have wells of that?

EDIT: I believe I did give some constructive advice, to sit down together and try to work it out without yelling and screaming...it takes two. If you want to work it out and get to the heart of the problem, you need to be civil and not attack  each other.