Help with my boyfriend's 6 year old daughter! (FYI LONG POST!)

Question

I am starting to resent my boyfriends daughter, she lives with him full time and he just went and filed for sole custody today. She is 6 and has lived with her father since she was 2. Her mother left her father to go be single, party, find a better man, and recapture her youth (she had the child at 21). She is an absolute deadbeat. She spends one day with her daughter every 2 or 3 weeks, she can never keep her for more than 2 days at a time. Since I have been with my boyfriend she has be taking the daughter more often out of spite and dropping her to her grandmother while she runs the streets.

When the daughter comes home from her mother she’s rude to everyone except her father for an hour or two then gets back to normal, she's often mean to my daughter who is 4 when they aren't being best friends, she doesn’t answer people when they talk to her, she’s a show off (as soon as my daughter comes home she must tell my daughter something she did that day that my daughter wasn't able to do), she thinks she’s the adult (if her father or I tell my daughter to do something she must repeat the command to my daughter 2 minutes later) and we have to constantly remind her she is not a parent and no one asked her to repeat the command. Its starting to drive me crazy..

How do I deal with this kid without hating her? Obviously there are some bigger issues here because of the situation with her mother and father and we don't know what her mother tells her when she is with her about us, but how can we break her out of this unruly behavior??? I refuse to deal with the rude/meanness to my own daughter just because she is being jealous. (do you think she is jealous of the relationship i have with my daughter? My daughter is very affectionate and she is always hugging and kissing me telling me she loves me etc.) I try to include his daughter in things I would typically do with my daughter alone so she can feel the same love and attention, but recently I haven't felt like being bothered with her.

My child's father and I have a great co parenting arrangement so she never exhibited this type of behavior, she sees her dad 2 afternoons a week and every other weekend. She can talk to him whenever she wants and we basically don't hate each other so she doesn't have animosity towards my boyfriend and his daughters relationship.

My boyfriend and I are having a baby together next month and I am sure his daughter is going to be very jealous just from the way she is uninterested in the baby right now, while my daughter is super excited and cannot wait for her baby sister to be born, she is constantly kissing my belly and talking to her sister.

We recently got them a kitten so they would have something to care for when the baby comes and takes a lot of our attention away from them, but she even wants to compete with my daughter on the kitten. Time with the kitten, holding the kitten, feeding the kitten. I try not to step in and let my daughter stand up for herself, but it's really pushing me over the edge.

any advice?

Answer 1

Oh Wow your in the same boat as i am except my fiancee's daughter is 8, we're also expecting a baby. and she is just as bad.  My only advice is to talk to your boyfriend and make a plan that shows how strong you are as a unit.  That's what we've had to do, and sometimes it still doesn't work, with her mom in the picture cuz her mom just loads her head full of c**p and then comes back to us with all of it.  My fiancee has tried to sit down with her and explain that a new baby isn't going to change their relationship and that he will still love her as much as he does now.  There really isn't a whole lot you can do except stay away from her.  I've been going through this for the past year and a half and i'm still at a lose on how to get through it.  i love her dad with all my heart and i'm so excited about our baby but she is ruining the whole experience.  So now she isn't allowed to come to our home, he picks her up a few times a week and spends time with her, cuz i can't be around her by the doctors orders cuz she gets me so stressed out.  Just try and work together and if you find anything that works please let me know, i'm always open to suggestions

Answer 2

honestly this is normal she is probably showing off cause she does not get attention while she is gone and needs to be reminded she is important with the being rude she is old enough that you can have dad tell her if your going to be rude go to your room until the rude is over  

Answer 3

Hi,i would say whatever you do don't move in together until you can resolve the situation but since you are and are having a baby together maybe you should try some family therapy to figure out bounds and be able to live all together amicably.The only recourse would be to break up.....she can't always have her way or be rude but you can't hate a little girl either....don't forget your daughter has the luxury of a good and stable mom....try to be that for her too....good luck

Answer 4

She might be having some stress issues.

My 4 year old went through something similar when she was going back and forth between me and her dad.

Now that school has started and we are getting on a routine, things have settled down.

Just be there for her and if it gets worse, talk to her doctor about her seeing a child therapist.

That worked wonders for my oldest nephew. Helped him get through some rage feelings.

Good luck

Answer 5

Number 1:  You have to stop comparing your boy friends daughter to

yours.  

Number 2:  Stop comparing your boy friends EX  to you.

It is important to build relationships one-to-one.  Your relationship with

the daughter is dependent on the interaction of the two of you.  This is

the only thing that should determine what it is and how it goes.

If someone does something the other does not like, then displeasure

should be shown.  If someone insists on doing what displeases the

other, then acceptance should not be had or expected.

Don't sugar coat anything:  This will make it hard for those (especially

children) to understand what they should do.  If the Kitten is creating

a disturbance between the two children, "NEVER CREATE A REQUIREMENT

TO SHARE".   Up staging others, is an indication that you feel inferior.

Your push to keep your daughter from feeling stigmatized by the other

child's action is hurtful to your daughter and the other child.  It increases

the other child's feeling of inferiority, and fails to counter the feelings your

daughter is dealing with.