Help with my daughter need advice

Question

caught my 8 year old going through my sister in laws room. we live with my inlaws. she used her perfume and went through her entire room snooping. when i confronted her she lied 4 times until finally admitting it. problem is, the is not the first time. ive caught her in other peoples things without permission, trying to take things and use things that dont belong to her. even found out she went to a friends house and got into the mothers things. also the lying is nothing new. so because weve tried EVERYTHING else, my idea today was to confine her to her room today and not let her come out unless she needed something or to eat. but because my inlaws dont agree with punishment they kept going up to entertain her in her room because she was bored, which i think is bull. she really was only in her room from 10-3 (playing with toys and being entertained by grandma the whole time) because she had to leave. so i dont think she really got much of a punishment at all, and she is getting worse and more frequent with bad behavior. so i guess what i want to know is what people thought of my punishment? too harsh, or not enough? and what about people going up there to entertain her? i feel like adding another day to her punishment bc she was manipulating them into coming up there to see her. she doesnt even act like she did anything wrong. i want opinions and advice PLEASE!

Answer 1

If I was you I would woop her for lying, then warn her that if she does watever she did,  I will put her on punishment for a week (like no TV or no going outside)

answer mine since you have a child.

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Answer 2

What is your goal in confining your daughter? Your job as a parent is to talk to your daughter about snooping and going in other people things and "helping" her realize about being in stuff that is not hers is not acceptable. I think this is normal behavior! I remember feeling this way at 8-10 years old (I am now 34) ... I remember being curious about perfume and "girly" things that my mom would not buy me. I would ask her if she would like some of her own perfume and what is she curious about. It is your opportunity as a parent to just "talk" and find out what she is curious about. I would explain what is wrong and and the procedure that will be taken. Confinement is not a "punishment" that will work. You have to take away something "a child likes" in order to really see change. She has nothing to loose except sitting in her room all day  - I think this has no effect on her thinking and understanding of her actions. I would not add another day to her punishment! You need to teach the attributes of respect and trust. What are some things that she enjoys or what can you do that shows her trust and respect? I believe she has nothing to loose at this point and will not change her behavior. Establish trust points - does she have enough things to do besides go through other peoples things?

It's about having privledges and consequences. If you know she is lying, just "say, I know you are lying and you have an opportunity to come clean and start over" but you loose this ........ (fill in blank) priviledge for a period of time and will have an opportunity to earn my trust again by doing this ...... (fill in blank). Children need to know they are loved even when they do wrong and have a chance to make things better. Ask yourself, "how does my child learn from my discipline?" not suffer. I think children thrive better when they know the rules, know the consequences and have enough (positive things) to loose to change their behavior. Maintain a positive environment - she is so young and impressionable and this is your opportunity to "teach" and not shun. I think your punishment is way to Harsh but most importantly; very INEFFECTIVE. Set rules to follow - she is not allowed in other peoples rooms without permission and if caught, she will loose certain privledges. Have a family meeting and everyone agree on what should be done. I can tell you that she is just curious about grown up things. What was she snooping in?

Answer 3

I think you are on the right path. Step in tell the grandparent to stay out bc she's grounded. You my have to stay in front of the door to enforce it but maybe they'll get the idea. I would ground her for a week more. This is a big deal and no one but you is taking it serious. When she gets older she can go to jail for that. You might want to scare her with stories of kid detention centers. It's ok to be a mom and ground her and tell her no. I'll think you're just being a good mom. keep it up..

Answer 4

Well, first of all, I think someone going "over your head" is just wrong. She is your child and your sayings in her dicipline should be final no matter whom you live with or what anyone else says. Someone interupting your methods of dicipline just says to the child that what ever Mommy (or Daddy) says does not matter!

Second, going through other peoples things is wrong, but she is just a child. Children are very curious creatures. Maybe she is curious as to what other people have or what "women are wearing". Try giving her some perfume and other "womenly" things. She is getting to the age of where she would like perfume, makeup and deodorant. My daughter is only 6 but she has gotten into my things and been very curious about my makeup and perfume (among other things) and I sit her down and explain that it is wrong to snoop through other peoples belongings and to please not do it agian. Although that does not work sometimes!!!

Have you tried a reward system instead of punishments?  Choose a reward your child would enjoy. Examples of good rewards are an extra bedtime story, delaying bedtime by half an hour, a preferred snack or for older children, earning points toward a special toy a privilege or a small amount of money. Explain the desired behavior and the reward to the child. For example, "If you get into your pajamas and brush your teeth before this tv show is over you can stay up a half hour later." Request the behavior only one time. If the child does what you ask, give the reward. You can help the child if necessary but don't get too involved. Because any attention from parents, even negative attention, is so rewarding to children, they may prefer to have parental attention instead of a reward at first, however your child is not punished if he or she chooses not to behave as you ask; he or she simply does not get the reward.

I hope this advise helps and no I DO NOT think your punishment was to harsh..you as the paren has to set what YOU think is right and to change your childs unexceptable behavoir  to do what YOU think is the right way and NOONE else should stick "it" in unless you are being abusive either mentally or physically!

Answer 5

As a mother who has lived with an in-law this is a very common problem. My mother-in-law would always interfere with discipline. You need to make them aware you do not approve with the interference. You may hurt some feelings but it is for the better good. Your punishment was appropriate. If you can't get people to stop interfering  you might consider taking away some of her things temporarily to show her what it is like to have other people take her belongings.

Answer 6

Your in-laws mean well, but they are interfering with your parenting... im sure that if they were punishing their child and you interfered, they would have a cow.

Maybe let your mother in law know that you realize she loves the child and feels sorry for her, but you really believe that punishing her and making her spend several hours alone might help her to stay out of other people's personal belongings.  

Maybe you could also ask your daughter if she knows why she does this?  And ask her how she feels about it... ask her whatever you can think of about the behavior, and if she thinks it's right.  Ask her if she thinks it would be ok if other kids went into her room and played with her things without permission.  Or how would she feel if someone stole her personal belongings.  Sometimes talking to our kids and asking them about their behaviors can be so difficult for them, that they think twice before they commit the same offense.  I did it with my kids and after one of my sons was about 22, he told me that he wished i'd just have spanked him and gotten it overwith.  He just hated the questions.  

Answer 7

I have come accustom to the snooping.  i just mind when there are odors from spilled over nail polish, perfume, and the like.  I don't appreciate the lying that goes alon gwith it either.  They obviously do this when we are not looking and have the opportunity.  

I think she will learn her lesson when you have her HELP you dry the dishes and put away the silverware, wipe off the table, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, throw out the trash, etc.  All these things that you were obviously doing while she snuck into the other rooms and starting snooping.  Don't give them the opportunity.  Tell her you need her help and that you will paint her nails when she's done helping you.  buy a small bottle of perfume that you don't mind smelling and tell her that she can EARN  it after helping you with chores.  make a chart so she can earn one thing at the end of the month.  

Answer 8

How does your sister-in-law say she feels about the issue, since it was her things that were gone through and you live with her?  Maybe you could have her sit down with your daughter and talk about how it made her feel.  I would suggest that you do the same with the friend's mother at a separate time.  This would allow your daughter to hear directly how her actions have affected others.

I think your idea of punishment was fine and not too harsh, in that it was a logical consequence (you go where you're not supposed to go, and the consequence is that you don't get to go anywhere for a period of time).  And you probably should apply the consequence again, this time with no visitors, since you want to show your daughter that she can't use avoidance tactics to get out of being punished, and the original understanding was that it was supposed to be a punishment.

But the broader goal of discipline is raising a person who is a good citizen and respectful of others' rights.  In speaking with your sister-in-law and maybe the friend's mother, your daughter could be part of a form of restorative justice, like in the court system when an offender meets with a victim and hears how his/her actions affected the victim.  This would help your daughter develop her conscience, which is your long-range goal.  She needs to have that inner voice that tells her to do or not do certain things, so that she can do the right thing even when you are not there to guide her or apply consequences.  Also, in meeting with the affected parties, there would be a certain level of social embarrassment, which can be a useful teacher in itself.

You might want to talk with your daughter about why she feels the need to go through people's things.  Maybe there is something she feels she is lacking in life.  Sometimes people do things like shoplifting because they are really seeking emotional comfort of some kind.  Or maybe she is just curious and bored!  When your daughter's punishment is done, talk with her and make sure to show her how much you love her.  Set aside time each week to do some fun things together.

Answer 9

Have a long talk with her about stealing and also if she says she's bored get her in some type of activity that can make her fell good about herself.

Answer 10

Your answer is fine. your problem is grandma, ask her if she put her children in a time out and played with them while they were in timeout. then tell her that the child needs to learn that disipline is not fun. that when you punish your child she needs to back off

Answer 11

It,s not up to your inlaws in how you punish your daughter, yes it maybe there house but she is still in your care and she still has to go by your rules, if you weren,t there yes they can do what they like, but because you are there with her then no the have no right to say anything , as for the snooping she has to learn that other peoples rooms are out of bounds and that she has no right going there set rules and make sure she will understand that it is bad to do it  

Answer 12

I'd make her write a page about why what she did was wrong. How she would feel if someone did that to her, etc. Nothing about that is entertaining. Make the length too long for the topic so she really has to stretch and think about it.

Answer 13

What you can do is talk to your child and this can escalate to robery when she gets older. I suggest if talking dosen't work to try and talk to a local police officer to show her what happens when she steals. Or even just tell her.

Answer 14

I don't think that your form of punishment is harsh at all, in my opinion I think you should also tell her why she is being punished, and you should try and have your in-laws to "butt out of the situation" because you are the one that will have to deal with the consequences when she steals things.  I would defiantly add another day to her punishment because of the interference of everyone.  

My mom does the same thing it's hard to tell grandparents to sit on the sideline but you must be firm and handle the situation to what you feel best!!  GOOD LUCK