Help with my son and his step-father?

Question

I am having real trouble with my son and my partner. My son is going through a difficult phase of not wanting to do as he is told which is really taking its toll on both of us. I am 24 wks pregnant with my partners first child and the stress is really getting to me. We have introduced a behaviour chart with rewards and consequences and it has been going for a week and seemed to be working, but as soon as my son got a reward his behaviour went right back to square one. He is persistently rude and cheeky if you say something that he doesnt like to him or tell him to do something he doesnt want to do. Whilst i am happy to just struggle on it is really affecting my partner. My son seems determined to wind him up and undermine him and its got to the stage where some days my partner wont talk to him at all because he is so wound up about the whole thing. Ive tried talking to my son about it but nothing seems to be working and things are getting very strained between my partner and I. He is trying but at times he is raising his voice and getting annoyed from first thing in the morning and he is the type of person who takes ages to calm down once he is wound up! I am at my wits end and i really dont know what to do about it. Does anyone have any advice on what to do or know any tried and tested methods? I understand that my son might be a bit jealous but we try as much as possible to help him to feel loved and involved. Help!!!

Answer 1

How old is your son? I'm assuming pretty young, if he is getting rewarded for good behavior. You have to make your partner understand that he is the adult. I realize he gets frustrated with your son, however being the adult between the two, he knows how to deal with frustration better than a child does. Maybe some one-on-one time between your partner and your son will bring them closer, and take you out of the center of their ongoing battle. Demand that your son respect your partner, but on the other hand demand that your partner practice patience and understanding. Usually when children act out it is for attention. They are willing to take negative attention over none at all. I'm not saying you are not attentive towards your son...simply that quality time is better than quantity. Good luck!  

Answer 2

Wow, i so understand. let me ask you this, when your son and partner are not butting heads do they spend any quality time together? I mean i do not know the situation with your sons biological father or anything but it is important for new bonds to be made. i have 2 sons from a previous relationship and my fiance has 1 son from a previous marriage and most of our troubles happen between the two oldest boys. But my fiance makes it a point to spend the "good" days playing with and interacting with my own children. His son is not with us full time.

Your son may be feeling a little threatened by the new baby, and it seems like its not really you he's concerned with. he may be feeling like since this is your partners first baby then once it comes your son will be put on the back burner so to speak. I would sit down with your partner and discuss ways to positively reinforce a good relationship between he and your son. It is very important that children who come from broken families don't feel like they are being replaced.  And they can easily feel that way over anything. The damage is devastating. How long have your partner and you been together? it is possible that the type of relationship , or lack there of your son has with his father is affecting him as well. It's never easy and at times my sons "defy" the rules because of emotions. Discussing things with your son together as a family unit will help but it may take some time. Try saying something like "we know that you have been upset lately, you've been acting out and disobeying the rules. We want to help you understand what is going on and be happy about the new baby, but we can't fix anything if you don't tell us what's broken." try to encourage your child to verbally let you know what is wrong rather than just acting out. Children are never too young to learn how to communicate and i am telling you that it is the only way your family unit will work. Teach your child by example, maybe one evening or whenever you have free time, the three of you sit down and "teach" him by calmly saying things to eachother, opening up about things your partner and you do that somewhat aggrivate eachother will be good ( don't use things that could start a major fight) and then when your son sees how easy it is that you don't have to yell or say mean things then he too will start to follow this pattern. My fiance and i did this months ago and it made a really big difference in our daily life, I had told my fiance in front of our children that sometimes i get annoyed when he slurps the milk from his cereal off the spoon....and then explained to our children what that and many other emotions mean. conversation is the best way to rectify such situations. I wish you all the best of luck and i hope this helps.

Answer 3

It is not good for you to be involved in this stressful situation at this time because you are pregnant. The best possible solution is going to a consultant and have him/her guide you thought the solution of this problem.  In some sessions you need to take your son with your self which is good. He is a child. What he is doing is mostly because he seeks attention. But of course he needs to know the limits from this gae. like what I said, the Best way it to go to a consultant. Good luck anyway;)

Answer 4

what age is your son?

Answer 5

it is pretty normal for a 4 year old to be naughty and also for them to feel threatened by a new man or a new baby ,this kid has both ...I would suggest your partner stays out of the discipline right now and leaves it for you ,I would think about real punishments for very bad behavior ,like take al his toys away but save that for the big stuff ,in my experience when a child is being a problem the parents tend to pick on every little thing the kid says or they go to the other extreme and ignorer bad behavior .Both ways dont work ...You need to be consistant and fair ...think about pre-school if you dont already that can help ...and try to do things that are fun together ...and go home as soon as he plays up ...he will soon get the idea ,fun when good borring when bad ...but remember to give him one warning and then cary though ...talk about the baby as in HIS baby ,his friend ...and remember to listen to him and give him your time ...kids some times play up because they feel ignored ...

Answer 6

i think rather than trying to change your son, you should be tackling your man. he is the adult and not speaking to a 4 year old for the whole day is pathetic and childish. he neees to grow up, is he going to treat his own child like that when the going gets tough? if yes...why are you with him? if no...why is his own child going to be treated better than your child?

i know its tough and kids can be horrible, naughty and test the patience of a saint...but he signed up for this and it seems to me a lot of the childs problems are probably stemming from the reaction he is getting from your partner.

my advice would be to be consistent and loving with your son and dont tolerate the naughtiness BUT do have a serious conversation with your partner about the correct way to behave around your son....sulking like another 4 year old is as i said is at best pathetic, at worst abusive.

Answer 7

Oh dear I really understnad what you are going through. My mum and step father had these issues with me! I was the naughty one. It didn't stop until the day I moved out. But... I moved out at 18. And as long as your husband doesn't make your son feel like he is second best to you, or him. Then thats step 1! Step 2, what are you giving him as a reward? If it is a toy etc, take it straight back off him.

Take his TV, Playstation, anything like that he may have away from him when he is bad, these are the things that kids run to when they are grounded.

I really truly do understand what you feel like at the moment, I used to find my mum crying in bed at night because of the stress of it all, it broke my heart to think ti was my fault.

I dont know your circumstances but for me it was my step dad being jelous of me. He now admits that after Ive left. But no offence to him, he is one sad individual.

Good luck! and Congratulations with the pregnancy. you will be fine. Please just try talking this thoroughly through with your husband.  

Answer 8

your son feels threatened by the new baby and that he will be pushed out once it's born, he needs extra love and attention and to be told that he will still be wanted after the birth, as your partner is being wound up easily it sounds as if he is right to be worried and will be ignored by your partner when he has his own child, you are in a difficult position, please get other family members to provide support to your son .