Help with potty training my 7 yr old stepson!?

Question

Here is the situation, my 7yr old stepson is with us every other weekend from Friday to Monday. We also have an 8yr old daughter and two 5yr olds (one boy and one girl). The boys are his and the girls are mine from a previous marriage. Quite normally his boys are incredibly well behaved compared to my girls. The boys are home schooled by their mom, who only works part time. Once in a while we have problems with the boys keeping their pants clean/dry. At night they wear pull ups. The 5yr old has been doing awesome lately and we now let him wear underwear to bed. But the 7yr old has occasional accidents. This past week we had them for spring break all week and his soiled his pants EVERY day. He was grounded from toys, got a spanking (by his Dad, not me). The last few days, he has been lying when we ask if his pants are dirty. You can smell it ! And he still lies and says he's clean. So now he got his mouth wash with soap because he lied. I don't know what to do, any advice?

Answer 1

Please stop taking a punitive approach. This kid is deeply embarrassed. And you created a situation in which he felt he had to lie. Then he got creamed for lying. First, he really does need to be seen by a doctor to make sure he doesn't have some physical problem that's causing him to lose control. Second, use a positive reinforcement system where he gets rewarded for success, not smacked down for failure. You'll find that he will get better faster and everyone will be happier.

Answer 2

Well I think it is very wrong for people to punish kids this way for going in their pants.  At seven I used to pee my pants all the time and peed at night every night.  I got over it.  But it sounds like your kid might have a medical problem with the soiling.  If he does not.  You could try simply not changing him when he goes in his pants.  Let him stay in wet dirty pants.  Even if he asks to be changed or tries to change him self do not let him.  Let him know that when he messes his pants he is going to have to stay in them for a long time.  If you don't want him sitting on the carpet or on chairs either make him sit on the kitchen floor or send him outside.  If he pees himself when you are out somewhere like the store or on an outing do not change him.  Make him walk around for the day in wet pants so people can see him.  That might embarrase him a bit. You might otherwise tell him that if he wants to pee and soil his pants that is fine but he has to wear a diaper like a baby.  Every time he goes in his pants you could immediately take him upstairs and put a diaper on him.  Then make him wear the diaper all that day and night instead of letting him use the potty.  When you put him in diapers you might make him go around the house in just a diaper and shirt.  So he could not hide being in a diaper.  Send him out to play in the diaper under his pants and to the store and such.  If he wants to be a baby tell him that is fine.  You will treat him like one.  I would only do this if I was sure he was being lazy or messing himself deliberately for some reason.  I do not think any 7 year old is going to want to hang out all day in a dirty wet diaper or go out to play with his friends in a diaper. They may not sell baby diapers in his size so you could use diapers for older kids or pull ups.  If you use pull ups I would not call them pull ups to him.  I would call them his baby diapers. I might set a rule that he got one pair of underpants a day.  If he wets or soils those pants then he does not get clean pants instead he gets put in  a diaper. If you don't go the diaper route and that is what I would do then just keep the one pair of underpants rule and stick to it.  Make him spend the rest of the day in wet stinky pants and have him wear his normal pullup at night. This should solve "Mr Messy Pants".  As far as the peeing in his pants at night you may just have to wait until he outgrows it.

Answer 3

wow they are very old 7? an still cant use toilet...

is this a joke or is there somthing wrong?

Answer 4

This sounds like there is an emotional disturbance, maybe due to a divorce or not having their father in the home anymore.  I would definitely seek the advice of your pediatrician.

Answer 5

no wonder he lied about it, he probably didn't want to get a beating. I can't believe the horrible parenting that goes on in the world. He has emotional issues & just so you know wetting the bed is normal & punishing or shaming him for it will only make it worse.

Answer 6

the child may have issues serious ones talk to a pediatrician instead of punishing him he may being going through something traumatic and your washing his mouth out spanking him etc what wrong with you people he needs HELP !! Not Punishment !!

Answer 7

Obviously its not his fault he's not soiling his pants on purpose their a problem talk to your doctor and whose ever washing his mouth with soap should be ashamed of themselves.

Answer 8

Hi, I agree with what some people have mentioned about seeking help from doctors- I think you should. My son was a late potty-trainer too- he finally stopped having accidents shortly after his 5th birthday but he wasn't dealing with a divorce, etc so I don't know if there's more to your son's problem or not but I think you should consider it. In the meantime, instead of punishing him for accidents you need to reward him for staying dry. I can only imagine how hard that will be at age 7 because I was at my wits end at age 5 but it's really important. My son's doctor told me that punishment would only delay him further and that rewards will encourage him to try and he was right.  I eventually was able to use Transformers toys to get my son trained. First he got one for staying dry all day, then every two days, then three days, then a week and so on. Now he gets a new toy each month for staying dry. Your son may have other physical, emotional, or psychological problems that are contributing to his situation but until he is seen by specialists who can give you further guidance try to stick to rewards instead of punishments. If this is a physical or emotional/psychological problem he can't help it and you can't punish him for something he has no control over. When I was having problems with my son his doctor said that he sees kids who are 5-6 and still not trained fairly often so he's not the only one but it can be detrimental to their self-asteem. Get him help, asap and good luck!

I also wanted to add that wetting the bed at night is normal and a lot of kids do so well into their teens. Their bladders aren't fully developed.

Answer 9

Seems to me that he should have been potty trained a long time ago before the age of 7.  The doctor needs to know about the incidents.  It could be medical.  Children also respond to trauma differently. the divorce, or change in routine can effect him as well. Spanking him is just giving him a fast consequence and not getting down to the real problem.  Getting medical treatment is definitely the first step. Children also have to be comfortable and trusting in their environment. Sat him down and ask him about what he is feeling.  If he knows that you will be mad at him when he has an accident, he will less likely to open up to you and express his feelings. Remember, children see the world differently than we do!  Just imagine how they feel having to completely trust the environment around them will care for them appropriately. The pull-up are providing a comfort for the 7 yr old.  If he has a pull up on at night, this makes him feel safe to just "use it"  without making an effort to learn to get up at night.  You may want to slowly introduce him to not wearing a pull up at night(after he receives medical treatment) and start practicing getting up at night time. Potty training is a learned behavior and will not be solved over night.

Answer 10

No 7 year old is going to be doing this on purpose.

Punishing the child is going to cause him more anxiety and stress and make the problem worse.

The poor little mite needs encouragement, not beating.  He might have a medical problem, an infection, a weak bladder or anything.

My friends son still wets the bed and he is nearly 11.  He lacks the chemical that develops around the age of three that stops us needing to pee at night by stopping the bladder filling so quickly.  The same boy also has to go to the toilet every hour or so at home and his school know so he is allowed out of lessons whenever he needs to 'go'.

Support him, keep reminding him to visit the bathroom and get him to the doctors to check if its medical.

Answer 11

WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM THE 7 YEAR OLD NEED LOTS OF MENTAL HELP NOT ABUSE

SPANKING AND GROUNDING HIM ARE JUST GOING TO MAKE HIM SOIL MORE FROMTRAUMA FROM YOUR HUSBAND

YOU NEED TO FIND SOME HELP

NOT PUNSIHING HIM FOR DOING SOMETHING HE CAN'T CONTROL!!!!

Answer 12

Do they have these problems when at their mothers house? If not, then it is an environmental issue at your house.  

But I just have to rant now.  Wow, kid is traumatized from the divorce and dad spanks him because of the symptoms.  Good job, dad.  He needs to read some books on parenting.  Spanking and punishing an otherwise "incredibly well-behaved" seven-year old kid over toilet issues is, to put it bluntly, incredibly f*** stupid.  Whole family needs to be in counselling.  I am not saying that in an "all of you are completely screwed up" way.  I mean that there are some serious issues going on here that need to be addressed.

Answer 13

First of all, do your research.  MANY children wet the bed until they are 10 years old or older!  This is NOT something that they have control of.  There should be NO punishments for bedwetting.  How about rewards of some sort when he wakes up dry?  Even when that happens, it tends to be luck.  I can understand punishment for lying, but in this situation, mabey he is just embarassed by the continual accusations.  What harm will it do to let him wear pull-ups until he gets it under control?  There is a reason, they make them for kids up to 85lbs!  If it bothers you that much, you could speak with his pediatrician who will likely tell you the same information that I have.  Been there, done that....Still buying the Good Nites.  So What!  Small inconvenience in life.  I'm sure it is just as frustrating to him!  Anyhow,  hope all works out for you.  Just remember not to sweat the small stuff.  All kids grow out of it eventually!

Answer 14

your son may have encoprisas wich is a disorder where children get constipated and are unable to have a bowl movement. in the process the nerves go numb and stool isreleased in voulantarly. See your doctor. They will b able to get your son on a treatment plan.

Answer 15

He clearly doesn't like having accidents any more than you like him having them.  And, this wasn't a problem until just recently.  

What I would do is to sit down & talk to him about it.  Ask him how he feels about the accidents & why he thinks they are happening.  Then, help him to figure out ways to solve the problem.  

Maybe he's playing too intently & forgets to go before it's too late.  Maybe he's afraid of something in the bathroom lately.  Maybe his diet has changed & the new foods are making things happen differently in his digestive system.  

If you have to punish for this problem that he's having, at least try to make the punishment work towards a solution to the problem.  If he's playing too intently & forgets to go, then tell him that he can't play that game the next day.  Or that he has to put a 15 minute time limit on it.  

If it's a dietary problem, then set him up on a timer, having him try to go every 30 minutes or so while he's with you.  

If he's afraid, try to help him work past it.  

He's lying because he thinks it will postpone or avoid punishment (and embarrassment) when his mistake is discovered.  He should not only have to suffer the natural consequences of lying (a lack of trust from the person who he lied to), but should also have to resolve the issue that he lied about (helping to clean up, trying to find a way to create new habits to avoid the accident in the first place).

Answer 16

7 years old Oo WOW....Um take him to the doctor...

Answer 17

I would deifinitely encourage dad to use positive reinforcement rather than negative. I realize that this situation must be very frustrating but spanking and punishment will only make him scared and anxious and more likely to have an accident and also to lie about it. Offer rewards for keeping his underwear clean for a certain period of time - daily or weekly.

I'd be more concerned about why he isn't potty trained at this age. He is way too old to be having accidents during the day (night time is a different story). I'd seriously consider taking him to see a psychologist to find out if there is an underlying issue going on.

Answer 18

2nd grade not potty trained it not his fault its yours

Answer 19

It is very hard for young children to articulate what their feelings are in a family enviroment such as yours. It is very obvious the children are very "wise" not to say anything that would cause the adults stress, in what is probably already a very stressful situation, and may be the reason for the bedwetting and accidents.

Isn't it interesting, we don't want others to pre-judge or ridicule us for being overweight, without understanding why,  or what may have caused us to stay overweight, (and we all know there is always some rhyme or reason to weight problems) yet when it comes to things so delicate as our emotions and the health of our emotions, we shrug it off with discipline?

Children are even more delicate. And divorce is harder on children, as their world has changed and without compensation, may I be blunt as to say, you and your husband, in a new marriage and new relationship, and finding "Love" again is good for the two of you, but what does that do inside for the children, hurting emotionally from the breakup of the family unit they once knew?

All of the children need extra love, time, attention, nurturing, and most of all understanding. There are some books that  I love to suggest, along with family therapy, either through your faith, therapist-counselor, or through your health plan.

"It's Not Your Fault KoKo Bear"  by Vicki Lansky

"Dinosaurs Divorce"  by Laurene Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Remember in all things in life a little tenderness and compassion helps through the journey of a way we have never travelled before. And the life of an an extended blended family is a new road for all of you to love and learn your way through. Good luck.