Help with reuniting with my birth mother?

Question

I've asked about my birthmother before, I've had some problems with her since I first reunited.

She's becoming more and more demanding of me to call her mom and to cut my parents out of my life.

We (my husband and I) are foster parents, we currently have 2 foster children, in addition to 3 bio children and 1 adopted from foster care. She will aknowledge only our biological children, and completely ignores our other 3 children.

I have laid everything on the line to her, and explained my feelings, but she just doesn't understand. My mother encouraged and helped me search for my birth mom, and she is still encouraging me to forge a relationship with her if I'm comfortable of course, but I'm just not sure anymore. I'm just not feeling that mother-daughter connection, I don't know if it's just her behaviour or not. Part of me feels that I should just move away from having her in my life, it's frankly becoming more trouble than it's worth. What can I do?

Answer 1

I was raised in foster care,and I searched for my mother for

15 years,and never found her.I am glad you found yours.My point being.she is your mom only because she birthed you.You owe her nothing more than what your heart can deliver.If your heart isnt feeling it..Dont force it.You know who your parents are.She has no rights at all..Remember she gave them rights up a long time ago.Im glad you found her for your own mental state.But you owe her nothing.She was not mom before

as you already have a mom and dad! It is your right to close that door now.You have your own family to raise.

Answer 2

well if this is putting more sorrow than joy in your life than you should back away.

but its easy for me to say that thou i don't know you personally

s i think if this is still important too you than continue in the mending but if not back away and leave it alone.

the only thing you may leave it alone and wonder what if.

Answer 3

Kinda gotta agree with Answerer 2...

Ypur biological mom had her reasons, which she may have explained to you.

But your adoptive mom, has cared,loved and protected you, the way a mother should. And not a lot of adoptive parents would encourage their child to find their real parents..you have a great support network from your adoptive parents.

As for you bio.mom only acceptiong your real kids, you should mention to her that, you were once one of thost fostered/adopted children, and had it not been for your adoptove parents, you may have a had a really tough foster life.

She gave you up, she at least owes it to you to understand you. But, like i said above, i'm sure she had reasons.

Good Luck

x

Answer 4

Wow! When i reunited with my birth mother..i met her once when i was 13. My dad had relatives in the state we left and we were going back for a visit. So anyway, my adoptive parents asked me if i want to meet my birth mother. I said yes at the time. So that was my first meeting with her. We did write back and forth, we never called each other because i was not ready for that. I always called her by her first name, because the name mom belonged to the woman who raised me. The woman who made me chicken noodle soup when i was sick, we let me cry on her shoulder when a boy broke my heart. When i was 19 years old i met her again, she was on her death bed, and even then i called her by her first name. I feel bad that your biological mom will only acknowledge three kids, that in itself is wrong. You do not have to call her mom, if you do not want to. She shouldn't be demanding you to do that. You may have to set some boundaries on your relationship with her. Your adoptive mom sounds like mine, wanting me to respect my birth mother, wanting me to meet her and things. But our adoptive moms are who we called mom and still do. Your birth mother should respect your feelings and not be so demanding.

Answer 5

Could you afford to give her a weekend of your time, to try to work things through?

If you are willing to spend a couple of days with her I know Joe Soll runs counselling weekends for reuinited adoptees and mothers.  If you are both willing and open enough to put just a small amount of time into this I am confident that this is something that would resolve the difficult situation you are facing

Email Joe at Adoption Crossroads - just enquiring can't hurt, right?  http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org/healin...

Best of luck to you both

Answer 6

I think you should move on with your life.  She may have given birth to you, but she did not raise you to be the woman you are today.  Your mother and father who raised you...don't leave them out, no matter what your bio-mom demands!

Answer 7

talk talk talk!!!!!

Answer 8

Depending on the year of her surrender ( possibly forced surrender if it was in the BSE .. baby scoop era ) she may have alot of unresolved feelings from losing you. It sounds to me, of course I have only read your above two paragraphs so I may be far off base, but it sounds like she didn't want to let you go. That she wasn't in favor of the adoption. I don't know your age.....you have 5 children so I'm guessing you could be in your twenties to thirties which could put you into being born in the baby scoop era. If it applies to you, in order to better understand where your mother may very well be going through and have been living through, it would probably be beneficial to read " the girls who went away" by ann fessler. ( i think thats the authors name )

for any mother, losing a child to death, adoption, custody courts etc. can't be a walk in the park. I know if anyone ever took MY children and started calling themselves "mom" to them, i'd have a pretty hard time accepting it.

At the same time, you're not responsible for healing your mothers pain. You shouldn't have to play by her rules in reunion ie...her demanding you call her mom and cut your aparents out of your life. Thats pretty extreme and I feel its unfair of her to request to you. These are the people who raised you against her will or not, it happened, and if you love them, you have every right to.

Adoption sucks, it twists so many of us up into tangled messes....it takes alot of time to unravel them.

good luck whatever happens.

Answer 9

I dont really know your situation and what your relationship with her is like. Hypothetically say, If she had no biological relationship to you at all, would  she be someone you would have in your life? Would she be a friend?

If it was me, and i know it is easier said than done, but if she would only acknowledge some of my children, i dont think i would want to be friends with her.

You cant force yourself to like someone, just because they are related.

I think there is something very unsettling about her not accepting your fostered and adopted children, especially since she gave you up for adoption. I would have thought someone in her situation would be very welcoming of all your children.

Answer 10

I hope this helps.  I had kind of the same relationship with my father.  It took me years to realize that just because I opened that door with him to have a relationship didn't mean I couldn't close it again.  I realized that I felt guilty cause even though he had hurt me so much over the years I kept trying and trying.  Then my husband and I adopted our son and I started seeing him treating my son the way he treated me and, that's all it took.  I no longer felt guilty about our relationship I put it on the line.

He either changed and excepted our son as his grandchild or he hit the road.  I closed that door 4 years ago with him and, I never had one regret.  The sorrow and pain he brought into my life was not worth the peace and joy my son brings me.  

I hope this helps.

Answer 11

Toxic people, even when you're blood relation, are still toxic.  

It's a shame your bmom won't acknowledge your other children.  That's not fair to them, nor to you.  If she really won't change, you can't force her.  You need to decide when to step back and take care of yourself and your family.  From what you are saying, maybe now is that time.  

It might be that, down the road, she will want to make things right, and then you'll have to decide whether you want to give her that chance.  But you can't make a decision on that basis.  

It is a tough thing to walk away from a person.  But your description of her treatment of you, her demands of you, and her treatment of your children suggest that you already know what you want to do.  The hard part is doing it.

If I were you (and I'm not, so decide for yourself if this is right for you), I would probably write her a long letter describing how you feel.  Don't accuse or attack.  Stick to how you feel.  If she doesn't respond, then walk away from her.  My concern about sticking around too long would be that it might start affecting my other relationships.

I am sorry you're going through this.  I can only imagine how difficult it must be.  I wish you well.

Answer 12

I admire you for trying to forge a relationship with your birth mother.  I am sure that she is dealing with some intense feelings related to her relinquishment of you and has unresolved issues with your adoption.  However, her issues are not your issues and it is unreasonable for her to ask you to bear the burden of her choice.  Also, also I think that it is harmful for her to ignore your 1 adopted child and your 2 foster children.  I am know that you are aware of the negative message that sends to them.  Her issues are not their issues either.

Sounds like it is time to get tough with her.  While I completely sympathize with the pain that she may be dealing with, she cannot expect you to fix that, you had no choice in her decision.  If she will not respect your family (including the parents who raised you), I think it is time to tell her no visits.  Maybe you could also suggest that she find a support group to help her resolve some issues?

Good luck - sounds like you have a wonderful (adoptive) mom.

Answer 13

Is your biological mother in any kind of support group IRL or online?

I don't know how long you and she have been in contact but I wonder if she is still dealing with the baby she lost instead of the adult daughter that you are. As a mother who lost her son to adoption I know that it took me a while to let go of my baby - again - once I reconnected with my son. I felt the loss all over again. It took a year or so of pretty intense self-education through reading and online support to do that - to face the reality that my baby was gone forever.

If you feel comfortable doing so, point your biological mother to some online support groups where she can learn from other women who are dealing with issues of loss. I can personally recommend these, but there are others out there.

http://www.emptyarms.org

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/SunflowerF...

Heck, have her email me if you want, I'll point her to some resources.

It is not your responsibility to try to fix her issues, nor can you, but pointing her in this direction may help. Just a suggestion.

Maybe with some help she will come around to the understanding that she needs to respect your boundaries. She may need to develop some healthy boundaries for herself.

best of luck.

Answer 14

Define your boundries.  Be clear and frank with your bio Mom.  Your adoptive Mother sounds like a wonderful person to help you in your search.  It had to be hard for her to be supportive in sharing you with your birth mom.  You  obviously have a good heart and care about the welfare of others.  The children you choose to bring into your home biological or otherwise are still your children.  You are a package deal.  A less selfish person would see this and accept all of you as their own.  The cold hard truth is this.  Your birth mom gave up the right to control you a long time ago.  You set the terms of your relationships, you determine how you will let others treat you and your family, you clearly state these terms to your birth mom and make it clear there is no room in your life for this type of behavior from her.  Explain to her how important this is to you.  If she is ever to understand what it is to be a mother, than she must understand that a mother puts her children and their well being FIRST.  It sounds like you have already learned this lesson, now its her turn.