Helping 5 year old cope with death..?

Question

Last night i just got a phone call from my sons' very good friend' mother, who told me he passed away. He was riding his bike and a drunk driver was swirving and went on to the sidewalk where he was killed. My son hasn't got the news yet; due to the fact that last night when the phone call came he was sleeping. He has just asked me to go over there so he can play for a while, but i couldn't and i told him he can invite a friend over, but not him;. What can i do? Should i just tell him? How can i tell him? Never went through this experience before, please help?

Answer 1

Tell him the truth.  

Answer 2

How horrible. I am sorry that this happened. My son was 2 1/2 when his grandpa (My father in law) passed away. We just kept telling him that grandpa was bye-bye when he asked where he was. Finally a couple of weeks later I sat him down and told him that when people are really sick or have a bad accident that God takes them up to Heaven and we can't see them, but we can think about them. This has been over a year ago and he still remembers that Grandpa is in Heaven. Maybe get some pics of his friend from his mom that he can keep, or maybe there was a special toy that they liked to play with that he can take to the funeral to put in the casket with his friend. Are there any pictures of him and his friend together? Make a copy and place one in the casket also. Tell your son that when his friend is in Heaven that he will be able to look at the picture and play with the toy.

Answer 3

All you can do is be honest and age appropriate. I would be very careful of using phrases like "he is watching you" or "he is with you," because, depending on a child's understanding of death, that can be terrifying.

We had a similar dilemma just before Christmas, just before my daughter turned 4 -- a friend of the family passed away suddenly, and it was very difficult to find a way to explain that accomplished all of these things:

1. helped her understand that she would not see this person again (i.e., we avoided lies like "he's taken a trip" which would cause her to wait for him to return;

2. that didn't frighten her -- this person had died of a sudden heart attack, and we chose to tell her that he had gotten sick and died (a heart attack wasn't a concept we could make her understand); but we had to be really careful to make her understand that it wasn't just "regular" sick -- especially in the middle of flu season; you'll have a similar challenge walking the line between explaining what happened, and not leaving him with the feeling that he's going to die at any second...

What worked for us was to use very simple language, to be very honest without providing graphic detail, and (probably most important of all) to let her ask all the questions she needed to (which she still does).

Our experience has been that kids that young might not grieve in ways that we would -- and that they can be very cyclical about it, fine for a while, and then extremely upset weeks later -- be prepared for lots of questions, and try to take the rest as it comes.

Good luck. I can't imagine how difficult this is for your family, and for the family of your son's friend.

Will you be taking him to the funeral/visitation/memorial? (I wouldn't take my daughter, as her temperment would lead to horrible nightmares at this age, but that really depends on the kid. Saying good bye in some way is important.)

Maybe you and your son can build a collage of photos of him and his friend -- talk about the memories he has, and give him something concrete as a reminder. (Maybe not an immediate project, but...)

Good luck. Take care. My heart just breaks for your son.

Answer 4

Tell your son that God has come to your house.  And he has taken away your son's friend to a better place, for a greater purpose.  

Don't try to hold it back.  Your son will get suspicious.  

Answer 5

Just talk to him gently and tell him the truth, with words and explanations which are age-appropriate.

BUT, don't do it now, since you are all upset (from your other question) about being on your way to the abortion clinic where your husband is forcing you to abort your twins. SHEESH! People, read her past questions!

Answer 6

thats a tough one, even my heart was breaking reading your question.

One of my good friends past away 3 years ago and my niece thought the world of her. She was away when paula died and when she got back she came to my house and brought special rocks for her auntie paula. I had no choice but to tell her. I didnt plan it, it just kinda came out. I said that Auntie paula passed away and is gone to heaven. she asked me what heaven was and I said it was a magical  place where you could create your own heaven. I asked her what her favorite things where and she said choclate and dolls. So I said her heaven would be filled wit those things. I said Auntie's heaven would be filled with shoes and shopping. I told her when ever she wanted to talk to her auntie she would be listeniing no matter what even though yuou couldn't see her. My neice was also 5. and she seemed ok wit hmy answers. I let her know it was ok to miss her and cry if she wanted but her auntie would always be with her. In a starnge way it's kind of how I cope with death now as well. I dont know if saying these things are the right thing to do but it helped her and 3 years later my neice still smiles when we talk about her in stead of being sad.

My condolences  

Answer 7

I would tell him in terms he can understand EX: He went to heaven to live with GOD.....He isnt here anymore.....We can't play with him anymore bc he had to go live with angels.....but You really should tell him and he will let you know if he doesnt understand!!  Good luck and God Bless!!!

Answer 8

just sit him down and tell him gently that his friend has gone to heaven and he is watching him all the time, and not to be sad because one day he will see him again. try and take his mind of off it by doing activities with him, such as a long walk or painting together. thats about all i can think of, it must be a bad time for deaths at the moment because in july 3 people i know died, and this is how i told my children. hope i helped.

Answer 9

There are a few paths you can go in a situation like this. One idea is to tell him about his friend's passing and tell him your there for him if he wants to talk. I would hire a consular for the time being so he has someone to talk to if he doesn't want to talk with you. Some tips on how to tell him are,tell him you guys are going to his favorite place to eat. When you guys are both sat down and he's eating something,would be the best time to tell him. Make sure to tell him in a serious tone and tell him your there for him anytime he wants to talk. Even though it may be hard its better for him to find it out from you not from sneaking off to the boy's house.

God Bless,

Shattered Windows    

Answer 10

You have to tell him the truth, exactly what happened to him.  You may be surprised at some of the questions he asks.  My twins were 6 when their infant cousin died due to a heart defect.  I told them that she was sick and that she wasn't strong enough to get better.  I did say that she was now with God in heaven.  They asked if she was still sick and I said "No, you get better when you get to heaven."  They asked "Then why didn't she try to be better down here with us?"  Every  explanation I had, they had a really good question in return.  It was odd having a philosophical and theological discussion with two 6 yr olds.  It really opened my mind up to my own ideas about God, heaven and death.

Good luck and make sure you have your own support system in place.  It will be hard on you as well.

Answer 11

tell him god was lonely and wanted a friend so he chose him and he is living with him now. but he will see him again.

p.s. sorry for your loss

Answer 12

sit him down and tell him his friend won't be able to play with him ever again when he asks why tell him he died tell him he may cry because it i ok to let his feelings out he will still be a big boy even if he cries then give him some alone time

Answer 13

How Horrible! I was tearing up just reading your question. I  gave birth to triplets yesterday, and this question just made me more thankful for them. When we told our four year old son about my husband's grandmother passing, we did it like this.

First we sat him down and said that last night Mimi had died.

We asked him if he knew what that meant. He told us that Mimi had gone to live with God. We told him that Mimi was going to be his special angel. We said that even though Mimi wasn't here anymore, she is always in his heart. We told him he could still talk to her, but it would be in prayer. We said to remember the good times and be happy, because that is what Mimi would want.

He understood it. It didn't make him less sad, but he understood that he could talk to her in prayer. This would be a good way to talk to your son. I'm so sorry to hear about this. God Bless.

Answer 14

I'm very sorry for your sons' loss. Just tell him that he got hurt, the doctors tried to  help him, but he was to hurt and couldn't take it. He's in a better place now. I know he can't understand it, but take your time and explain it. Best of luck.

Our prayers are with you.

Answer 15

Of course you should tell him -- he's going to figure it out eventually and people will be talking but the news should come from you. Sit down with him on the couch so he can reach out for you if he wants or just sit there and absorb the news a moment if he wants to.

"Johnny-- I need to talk to you. We got some bad news.  Honey, Jeffrey died last night. A man driving a car ran into him while he was riding his bike. They took him to the hospital and the doctors tried to help him but he was hurt too bad and he died. I'm so sorry I have to tell you this. I'm sad that Jeffrey's gone and I'm sad for his mom and dad who will miss him."

Then let your son cry or ask questions or whatever he needs to do.

You cannot make this easy for him. There is no way to do so. It's okay to cry together. I'm almost in tears thinking about how I would tell my 5 year old one of his friends died.

My own granddad -- who would be almost 100 years old -- had a friend die of polio when he was about that age and that stayed with him his whole life (and a lot more kids died back then including granddad's own little sister as a baby so you'd think it would be a more familiar experience).

I also think if it is a public funeral or if the prayer service before the funeral is public that you should take your son to it. Death is a part of life and while this is really senseless and tragic and traumatic and hard you can't protect him from it.

Use your best judgment but especially if other children who knew Jeffrey will be at the funeral or the funeral home I think you should take him too.  Explain that it is a special time to say goodbye to Jeffrey and people will be sad but it will also be a time for people who loved Jeffrey to remember the great times they had with him and be thankful that he was their friend or part of their family.

Answer 16

I have no clue im only 14 but that boy his family your son and you are in my prayers. I hope everything turns out well.

Answer 17

i'm so sorry.

tell your son the truth.

avoid saying things like...he went to sleep, or God took him....as he may get a distorted view of God and death.

when my daughter's great grandma died we took her to the funeral. she did really well and asked a lot of questions and we just did our best to answer. i recognize you situation is different as this was a child rather than a person who had lived their whole lives. I would make it clear to your son to ask ANY questions whenever he wants to, and let him know you are available to listen to anything he has to say, and let him know you are very sorry and it's ok to feel sad. also, remember boys and girls express emotions differently and he really may need some good play sessions...physical stuff. is dad involved? if so, i would definately get him in on the conversation. God bless you, sweetie.

Answer 18

thats a tough one, Tell him this story, i told this to my five year old, who loved his fish, There was this little boy that was fishing one day, And he caught a fish, Well that fish , talked, and that fish said to him, ill be your buddy forever if you take me home, and take care of me, and ill talk to you , then a man approach, He looked liked Jesus,  AND TOLD HIM, NO ILL TAKE THE FISH, I LIKE HIM AND ILL MAKE A GOOD HOME FOR HIM, WHERE HE CAN LIVE FOREVER, AND, HE CAN WATCH OVER YOU THE WHOLE ETIRE TIME YOU LIVE, BECAUSE THAT FISH WILL HAVE BINOCULARS AND HE CAN WATCH OVER YOU AND MAKE YOU THE BEST FISHERMAN EVER, SOO THE LITTLE BOY SIGHED AND TOOK THAT LITTLE FISH AND PLACED IT INTO THE MANS HANDS, THE LITTLE BOY , GREW UP TO BE GORDONS FISHERMAN, BECAUSE THE FIHS WATCHED OVER HIM, sOO YOU SEE YOUR FRIEND IS NOW VISISTING THE LITTLE FISH, AND YOUR FRIEND AN THE LITTLE FISH WILL ALWAYS WATCH OVER YOU, BECAUSE YOUR FRIEND IS NOW SAYING, I GOT THE FISH, HAHAHAHA, AND RIGHT NOW WE ARE WATCHING OVER YOU, AND WHEN YOU SEE A CLOUD IN THE SKY, IAM SITTING THERE ON A CLOUD WITH MY BINOCULARS AND THE FISH IS WITH ME,  

Answer 19

bEST THIG TO DO IS TO JUST COME OUT AND TELL HIM.

Answer 20

Tell him the truth. You can't protect him from life. My wife never lost anyone till she was 26 and it screwed her up bad. Tell him what happened and what kind of person did it. He will grow up hating drunk drivers or not liking them and just let him no that his friend was needed in heaven or where ever your religion sends the innocent. He is five. He'll be fine. He won't understand very well, but over time, he'll ask questions  and you will answer them. Sorry. I think you or them might want to start a campaign.